As you may or may not know, diseased badgers may or may not be killing cattle up and down the English countryside, and officials have decided that the only solution to the problem is to cull 5,000 badgers. It is a delightfully English story (unless you are a badger), full of profoundly English details. Here are some of the most English of them:
9. “Meles meles, the European badger, is indigenous to the United Kingdom, lives in an underground labyrinth of tunnels called a sett, and feeds on worms and grubs. There are about 300,000 badgers in England.”
At least 30 of them live in Salamandastron (near Dover), the legendary seat of the Badger Lords and their fighting force of hare-warriors. The Lords of Salamandastron have struck a deal with the Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs and have been promised that their ancestral lands will not be affected by the culling.
8. As the proposed cull drew closer, the controversy widened to include celebrities like Queen guitarist Brian May, who led a protest march in London in June and recorded a song called “Badger Swagger.”
Badger Swagger is to the English what Ylvis the Fox is to Scandinavians. It is the ur-example of Englishness, and it is also terrible.
7. “‘Cull the politicians instead,’ one reader wrote in the Daily Mail. On the other side, a farmer’s wife pointed out that ‘we wouldn’t be having any of this nonsense if this was about culling rats.'”
A fun game I like to play with myself is Guess which Daily Mail comments will be downvoted before looking at the arrows? I always, always lose. There is no rhyme or reason to it. Perfectly sane and reasonable statements will sometimes draw as many as 500 downvotes. Every time I think I have a handle on the general consensus of the Daily Mail‘s readership, I am astounded anew. There is no consistency of belief. It is chaos. I love it.
6. “An anti-culling petition drew hundreds of thousands of signers, and there’s an online threat of a voodoo curse on Environmental Secretary Owen Patterson, a hard-line advocate of the cull.”
An English voodoo curse! Can there possibly be a more toothless variety of curse?
5. “The policy appears to be little more than a sop to [the] farming sector,” the executive director of the Humane Society International/UK wrote in a piece on the website Badgergate.
The tagline of Badgergate is “Bovine TB: Fact, Fantasy & Politics.” There is also an entire section titled, tantalizingly, “Badgerphanelia.” The background fades from a delightful blue to a muted orange as you scroll down the page. There are also multiple badger-themed cartoons. It is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
4. “Plans are to use professional marksmen with rifles and shotguns over a six-week period. Animal rights activists have threatened to disrupt culling activity, though Avon and Somerset Chief Constable Nick Gargan told the BBC his force has been prepared for some time.”
Somerset Chief Constable Nick Gargan sniffed officiously, then placed a thoughtful thumb against his cheek. “What we’ll do, then, boys,” he announced to the room of sullen stable-boys and rat-catachers, “is start at dawn. That’s the thing to do.” He rubbed his hands together in delight. “Catch them before they’re awake, before they know what’s what. Then: BAM. Right between the eyes! Badgers for breakfast.”
Badgers for Breakfast is Daniel Mallory Ortberg’s debut children’s novel, forthcoming from St Martin’s Press in spring 2014. Illustrations by Nick Gargan.
3. “To some extent, it’s a rerun of the fox-hunting debate, a split between town and country,” explained cultural anthropologist Sean Carey, a research fellow at the University of Roehampton’s Department of Social Science. “The townie has a romanticized version of the badger, which has a privileged place in English literature. Mr. Badger in The Wind in the Willows is an outsider but has heroic qualities. The country farmer, on the other hand, prides himself on realism. It’s a case of ‘let’s get rid of the sentiment and get practical.'”
I would like this entire news item presented to me through Wind in the Willows analogies. Who is Mr. Toad? Why does the Mr. Toad ride at Disneyland end in Hell? If I remember correctly, your last stop before exiting is in a very warm room with a ton of flames and little demons cackling at you. Why would you end a child’s ride that way?
2. “Actress Dame Judi Dench…posted a video on YouTube calling for a stop to culling.”
Conversations Between Dame Judi Dench and Dame Judi Dench’s Personal Assistant
“Lord, what a day. What’s on at four?”
“You’re filming a video for YouTube to stop the upcoming badger cullings.”
“I thought that was Thursday.”
“No, on Thursday you’re dressing as an urban fox to protest the City Planning Commission.”
“What was yesterday, then?”
“Yesterday you agreed to co-host Noel Edmonds’ book club.”
“Good Lord. I did that?”
“You did. You even let him pick the first book.”
“Is there any way I can get out of it?”
“‘Fraid not.”
“How drunk was I?”
“Quite drunk.”
“Ah. Well.” *puts on badger costume*
1. “‘It will end up in a mess,’ predicts Chris Cheeseman, a former scientific adviser to the government who has spent 35 years studying badgers.”
“It will end up in a mess,” predicts Chris Cheeseman, who has spent 35 years studying badgers. Chris Cheeseman, who has spent 35 years studying badgers, predicts that this will all “end up in a mess.” Mr. Cheeseman (first name Chris), a former government employee and 35-year-student of the ways of the badger, takes a dim view of things. Chris Cheeseman. Chris Cheeseman. 35 years studying badgers. 35 years. Badgers for the government. Cheeseman. Chris. Badgers.
Thank you and God bless. Please turn the lights out after you leave, as I’m unable to get up at the moment.
[Image via Wikimedia Commons]
