Dad Magazine: March Edition
About Author
by Jaya Saxena and Matt Lubchansky
Jaya Saxena is a New Yorker who writes for lots of things. Uncommon Courtesy , New Amsterdam Mystery Company , and The Toast are some of them. Follow her on Twitter @jayasax . Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company . He's on Twitter , and doesn't expect you to get his name right.
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"Winter's Finally Over–When Will It Be Safe To Wax The Shovel and Drain The Snowblower? A Handy Guide"
"Encouraging Your Kids To Give Flight Numbers–EVERY TIME!"
"100 Ideas To Clear Out Your Basement This Weekend!"
"Your Garage: 629 Ways To Organize So No One Will Ever Find Anything!"
That is the most important aspect of organizing: not letting anything be found. Everything is safer that way.
In the Northeast US right now, it's more like "5 Efficient Ways to Shop-Vac Your @%$#! Flooded Basement this Weekend."
My dad used to keep the spare keys in the garage in a location all of us knew about, but he decided that if you KNOW where the spare keys are that defeats the purpose. I really appreciated that when I tried to come home after a haircut, realized I'd misplaced the keys, and couldn't get a hold of him because he was at church. Later he said he saw I dropped the keys in the driveway (but didn't take that as a cue to NOT HIDE THE DAMN KEYS???).
I realize this is less about organizing than just about not being able to find stuff in a garage, but still.
YES. In college, my dad bought five under-the-car key holders (the magnetic kind) and HID SPARE CAR KEYS all over the underside of my car. If I locked myself out of my car, I had to 1) call him and ask him where on my car the keys were hidden, or 2) crawl under my car like a mechanic in order to find the keys. DADS.
"Why would you ever not give your flight number?" she asked in a heated tone, then stared into the distance and thought about how she'd tried so hard not to become her mother that becoming her father was pretty much inevitable.
Who is NOT providing a flight number?? Asks the woman who used to give her mother a map with the best routes between classes for Back to School night. (My mother was the only one who appreciated my thoroughness. I miss her.)
I think my dad will be writing a letter to the editor detailing the story of how he keeps the damn squirrels out of his bird feeder using strategically placed paper plates.
My dad would be VERY interested in the paper plate strategy, as the squirrel baffle that the bird store sold him does not effectively deter the squirrels.
I spied and excellent dad solution to this through someone's fence the other day. Feeders hung on a line which was threaded through plastic bottles (lengthways). I assume the bottles spin in a hilarious way when the squirrels try to run across them.
My dad used a blade from a circular saw, and the damn' squirrels still managed to get around it…
My dad hung the feeder from a carabiner and then strung wire from a tree branch to the garage. I'm constantly impressed by this.
Did it work, though?
Surprisingly yes! The wire is too thin for the squirrels to hang onto.
My dad thought he had won the annual Squirrel War when he hung the birdfeeder from the top of the sliding glass doors. But they actually shimmied up the glass and then jumped onto it. So then he sprayed the glass with Pam, so they'd shimmie shimmie sliiiiiiiiiiide, shimmie shimmie sliiiiiiiiiiiiiide. It was damn entertaining. But then I made him stop because I didn't want him to help them evolve further and eventually kill us, and we were running out of Pam.
I love this story so much.
Southern hemisphere version of the damn squirrels: dang possums in the roof. What's a dad to do.
for my dad it was cockatoos eating all the plums!!!
Everything wants to eat an antipodean dad's fruit. If it's not the cockatoos, it's the rainbow lorikeets, the corellas, or the goddamn flying foxes!
haha right?! ps I wish I could retweet this ;)
stahp this is so much cuter than my dad getting worked up about the racoons eating the peaches.
Another issue of Dad Magazine, another relevant reason for me to post this gif:
<img src=" http://cdn.gifstache.com/2013/7/8/878408791_1041852330.gif"> ;
My mom is the squirrel-hunter in our family, and when she got one of these she was EXTREMELY excited.
Does it actually work, though? (Gif is inconclusive.)
Damn, that squirrel looks like it is *holding on.* Of course, the next second could be the squirrel getting flung to the far reaches of the yard.
In my experience, it kind of works. Squirrels can't stand on it if it's working, but 1. it sometimes breaks, and 2. if you have any other things hanging near it or tall objects sitting near it, enterprising squirrels can still get at the food.
::watches gif for entire morning, clapping hands in delight all the way through::
If you focus on the spinning squirrel it looks like it's going faster than if you look at the picture as a whole!
DAD GROUPS! Does this mean that you guys went undercover (or not) at the NYC Dads meeting?
Forget the squirrels, my dad wants to know what to do about the damn gophers.
Get a terrier.
My dad needs a comprehensive comparison of live traps vs. not-live-traps, also some strategies for post-live trapping (how far away do you need to drop off the gopher so that it doesn't come back to your yard and terrorize you?)
He used to use traps, but he did not release them, if you know what I mean.
Now he just passive-aggressively fills in the holes and hopes that they get the message that they are not wanted.
There's an excellent educational film about this topic called Caddyshack
(one of my dad's favorite movies)
For us, it's skunks that live under the deck. My very own Dad throws mothballs under here and shines a bright light, because apparently they don't like the smell and who wants a bright light shining on them all the time?
our squirrel method was sitting on the back porch with a bucket full of ice, and we'd throw the ice at te squirrels when they got onto the precious, precious birdfeeders. we also had a trap filled with peanut butter(?) and we'd hike way out into the woods and leave 'em there. These are my only childhood memories.
Genuine question from non-squirrel country: why do birds deserve food more than squirrels? Why not keep the BIRDS out of the SQUIRREL-feeders?
When I briefly lived in the US I covered my whole balcony in a carpet of sunflower seeds and spent hours out of every day watching the squirrels and clapping with delight. Was this an error of judgement?
Maybe birds are more delicate or have a hard time finding things they can eat? Whereas squirrels eat all kinds of garbage and don't need special seeds? I'm with you. TEAM SQUIRREL. Birds are descended from dinosaurs so if you are Team Bird you are basically saying you rooted for the raptors in Jurassic Park.
Smart money is totally on the raptors, though.
Who didn't root for the raptors in Jurassic Park?! I'll take smart super-bitey bipedal reptiles over child actors every day of the week.
Further, squirrels hold the seeds in their little paws and nibble at them. Birds peck ineffectively and fling half the seeds over their heads, which is very frustrating to watch.
of course dads use the winky face with the NOSE.
I use the nose. It adds gravitas.
Am I a dad?
I was not prepared for this amount of soul-searching so early on a Monday.
A few years ago my dad got REALLY into Canadian indie rock and kept telling me to check out "the Arctic Fire." <3 dads.
About three years ago my dad emailed me a YouTube video of CAKE covering "Guitar Man" and asked if I had ever heard of this band, and then got obsessed with them.
My dad suddenly discovered the movie Zoolander last year, and for about a month it was all he wanted to talk about. "Yes, I liked when he said 'Mer-MAN,' too. Yes. Yes, 'a center for ants.' I agree, Dad, it's a very funny movie."
My favourite game when driving long distance with my dad is seeing how much of CBC Radio 3 he can tolerate on Sirius before switching back to the Springsteen station. (not very much.) He went to Folk Fest for the first time last year and had the time of his life, it was adorable.
My dad briefly got into Fleet Foxes. It was a strange time.
My dad gave me a burned copy of a Fleet Foxes album a few years back! I think he occasionally buys current albums if they review well in Rolling Stone, but otherwise it's all Bob Dylan all the time.
What does it say about us when we start asking *them* for their itineraries?
no idea, but my dad is definitely of the "must have itinerary" persuasion so this one hit especially close to home.
"Oh, you're going on a three week camping trip without a phone? That's… that's cool. Where are you going? Oh, you aren't sure. Do you remember when I visited six months ago and I was an hour longer on a hike than you thought I should be and you called the sheriff?"
"You'll Never Guess Where We Found These Tommy Bahama Hawaiian Shirt Knockoffs!"
(Costco.)
"Hey, they have jeans, too! Real good quality. You want me to get you a pair?"
Can you believe I got this much chicken, AND these shelves, at the same place??
When my dad retired, he decided then and there to never wear anything that wasn't a Hawaiian shirt.
My favorite is his self-proclaimed "fancy one" with the palm trees and Santa on his sleigh.
Real talk: my parents got us some new sheets from Costco for Christmas and they're the best sheets I've ever had. It almost makes up for all the Tommy Bahama shirts my stepdad owns.
"If You Can't Buy It At Costco, Do You Really Need It?"
Corollary: "If You Can Buy It At Costco, You Need It"
Hmmm, my dad is into passive aggressive communication and snarking on celebrities. Is there a Passive Aggressive Dad Magazine?
Actual Dad Quote : "It's great that J– is working at the law firm this summer, maybe he'll meet some nice girls there."
"'Soon Be Time To Get the Boat Out': One Dad's Meditation on Recreational Vehicles and the Changing of Seasons."
(July followup: "'Do You Want to Come Up and Go in the Boat?': 10 Strategies for Convincing Your Family That Getting Sunburnt on a Lake is a Good Time!")
My dad has owned his boat for over a year, and we still have not spent a weekend fishing on it with him.
"We're heading out at 4am, it'll be fun!"
I am never, ever going to do that. Also, I don't eat fish.
Oh my god. It *is* coming up on time to clean up the patio boat so we can go tool around on the lake.*
*I just remembered about the drought down in CA and realized that no, probably not too much tooling around on the lake this summer :(
The shouty family across the street from me just parks their boat on the street all summer, so they can avoid the pesky lake part of that. Sometimes they sit out on the boat on the street and drink beer and blast music and shout at each other.
How to Repeatedly Urge Your 34-Year Old Daughter That She Shouldn't Travel Alone to Japan: One Dad's Story.
Are you secretly a whale? Because then I agree he has a point. Swim away! Swim away!
I hate to be That Daughter, but the facts that a) the "March Edition" is dated February and b) the flipped picture makes for backwards lettering in the background are driving me a little OCD-nutso. Please tell me they are intentional because something something humorously dad-related.
"New Shows to Fall Asleep in Front Of"
"How to Get the Most From Your Recliner"
"How to Foist Hardware and Tools Upon Your Unsuspecting Daughter Every Time She Visits"
"Yes! 8 A.M. is a Great Time To Call About This Year's Taxes"
I like that the Dad on this month's cover is happily clutching a tool.
I see the hardware as a price to pay for the tools–without my Dad foisting things on me, my toolbox would be a much sadder place. I do have too many damn screws or whatever though.
It's time to go to THE SHOP: Clothes, shoes and supplies for your great adventure
'I explained this already!' Why your partner and adult child are slow to understand.
"They took away the European sports channel!": One Dad's Struggle In Pursuit Of Televised Bicycle Races
(… I don't know, maybe it's only my dad. He watches them live online at 3 a.m. now.)
I don't know why that's so adorable but it is. (I used the Tour de France as background noise while finishing my master's thesis.)
Replace "bicycle races" with "Premier League Football" and this is my dad too. He finally got his European football channel, but then realized that watching the game live was much too stressful and ended up DVRing the game, watching updates online, and only watching the game (or, more often, the highlights) later if they won. If they lost he would delete it from the DVR and never speak of it again.
I finally convinced him he was not actually watching his expensive European football channel and got him to get rid of the cable last week.
replace "bicycle races" with "premier league football" and that's… me. oh dear.
That's my dad! He got rid of cable and then realised that he has no way to watch the Tour de France now. That's not enough of a motivator to get the cable back, but he did mope for a good few minutes.
I am pretty sure the Tour is the one reason my dad would really never give up cable.
That is my dad-in-law to a T
"I Was Watching That: How to Play FreeCell On The Tablet All Day and Annoy Everyone In The House"
No? Just me?
For me it's my mom, her Samsung Galaxy, and Word Crack.
Yep, my mom too and with some variation of solataire.
My dad got an ipad, and now he really likes to show me the Google Earth view of places near wherever we are, and show me how, "in the warm weather, you can take this tiny road here over to an old mining road, and it'll take you right down to the river, but in the winter you've gotta get over here and take 49 the whole way."
ooooh not to be a creeper but I bet we are from the same area (I also grew up amongst mining roads, a river, and 49 — gold country), and my dad does the exact same thing. When he's not yelling at the Goddamn Deer.
I actually didn't grow up there, but he lives there now, and I love to visit. It's an excellent corner of the world!
Also in that part of the world, my dad insists Murphy's Grade Rd is better than Hwy 4. It always has been, and always will be. There is no reason to use that part of Hwy 4 when Murphy's Grade Rd will do. My dad is really big on which roads are better than which other roads.
Murphy's Grade Rd *is* better than Highway 4, always has been, and always will be.
(I'm from north of there but my dad is a Clamper so we'd go to the Doin's in the Summer and my brother actually got married in Murphy's and lived there for a few years.)
YES
Handy Meal Ideas for the Hunter Gatherer
"Your Mother Wants to Know…"10 Effective Ways To Communicate With Your Children
5 Jokes from Your Law Firm That Will Shock and Horrify Your Daughter
This is perfect for my friends dad. Every time we visit, he says
-"Drop and give me 20!" with the same chuckle.
-He also comes into the living room or the patio every 30 minutes to make sure drinks are on the coasters
-Usually seen without a shirt on -lots of chest hair, a moderate beer belly and sports a handlebar mustache, all grey/silvery
-Will tell me the same story about visiting New York to relate to me
-Used to train animals for the military
-has nicknames for everyone usually ending in -ster or -y or -ie
Does he tell military animal training stories all the time? That would be so interesting! (My dad is constantly telling stories about his service in the Army during Vietnam…where he was stationed in Trenton, New Jersey.)
no =( I don't think he's allowed to =( which is why he can only communicate via bad puns and jokes =(
My dad takes the nicknaming thing a step further (too far?). For instance, Stephanie = The Stephanator and Brittany = Britty Cent (like 'Fitty Cent,' get it? haha!).
I'm at my work desk cackling at the thought of any dad saying Britty Cent. Dat shit CLEVER.
I ran some errands with my Dad last weekend and he spent much of the ride detailing a) where we were b)areas of interest nearby and c) how to get to the highway from where we were.
I am 32 years old, have lived in this area for the vast majority of my life, and drive on the road we were on at least once a week. Also, one of his points of interest was referred to by a name that it hasn't had since probably before I was born.
Oh, dads.
I love Dad Magazine!
I was all like, "Do Dads have a Squirrel Thing? Is that widely acknowledged as fact?" but then I realized that my own generally level-headed apartment-dwelling NYC Dad has been waging a frenzied war on (mostly imaginary) cockroaches since time immemorial and now I'm pretty sure that's just the Urban Dad's sublimation of his natural squirrel-related aggression.
What is that dad holding? Is it a tiny anvil?
Looks like an anvil to me. My highschool Latin teacher used to win bets with students with a small anvil.
How does one win a bet with an anvil?
My dad's taste in music is way better and more avant-garde than mine. He's the one who got me Cibo Matto's CDs when I was in middle school. Weirdo. (She says fondly.)
Yeah, same. Rather than being able to gently mock my dad and his dadisms, I live in the constant shadow of never being as cool as my dad was and continues to be. I'm glad someone else shares this struggle!
That dad looks like Admiral Adama.