Reasons I Would Make An Excellent Valkyrie And You Should Consider Me For The Position
Previously:
Please consider my application to become a Druidess
.
1. I’m reasonably busty and I work out semi-regularly, so I could probably carry a bronze shield or something.
2. I think I would do a very good job of judging men even after they are dead, no training necessary.
3. I have naturally red hair, and bronze and leather (which I am given to understand are the primary components of the Valkyrie uniform) really bring out the ruddy red-gold tones in it, which is a pretty good look for me.
4. I would have no problem being fictional.
5. I feel emotionally and physically prepared for Ragnarok.
6. I would have no objections to watching men kill each other all day or with holding enormous cups of mead.
7. Turning into a swan on occasion would not be an issue for me. I’m a team player.
8. Without a spear, I am merely tall (very nearly 5’8). With a spear, I am statuesque.
9. I rode horses until about the eighth grade. In a ring, obviously, not through the sky, but the principle is the same; I still have a pretty good seat.
10. According to Wikipedia, this sentence accurately describes both me and a Valkyrie, so in some ways it feels like this position was created for me and not the other way around: “The valkyrie considers herself wise, understands the speech of birds, is further described as having a white-throat and sparkling eyes, and she takes no pleasure in men.”
11. I feel confident that I could carry a medium-sized Viking by myself or with the aid of another shieldmaiden.
12. Stirring up disorder, leading men to their deaths, and/or turning into a raven on a moment’s notice are all things I’m willing to learn on the job.
Don't you have to serve the mead to vikings in Valhalla after they come back to life, though? I am not sure Odin lets you just sit by the wall and drink it yourself.
I don't drink, so it would actually be a perfect niche for me.
All right, well, that's settled then. You can submit your application by raven. The pension plan is full vested after 250 years, but you can't retire until after Ragnarok, whenever that is. There's also a defined contribution plan consisting of not less than 10% of all the treasure that you guard or loot. You will be expected to produce your own ring of fire. Good luck!
Odin? Freyja has the other half of the dead warriors + all the shieldmaidens over in Fólkvangr. They get a hall AND a garden, and I hear she's a bit more relaxed about the bar.
i identify with number four so much.
My thoughts exactly. I'm not always convinced I'm not already.
Same. It reminds me of my junior year English teacher explaining that we use present tense to discuss fictional events and characters in our papers because when you open the book it's all still happening and I guess I thought, "yeah, being fictional would be all right."
That is the BEST explanation I have ever heard.
"watching men kill each other all die" …should probably read "day". :)
… OR SHOULD IT.
"watching men kill each other (all die)"
It was a punctuation issue, not spelling
This is where I remind everyone that I was almost named Brunhilde, after the Queen of the Valkyries. Mum vetoed it, luckily. I might be able to carry off the Sneering Warrior Maiden look now, but as a child I'd have been hopeless.
You could have been Hildy like in "On the Town!" But yeah, it's a lot for a little girl.
Some little girls can really pull that off, though. My sister, for example, was born a Sneering Warrior Maiden.
Eventually we figured out that she just needed glasses.
I'm really hoping she regains it when she has children: we will have a queen; not dark but as beautiful and terrible as the mom; all shall love her and despair.
I feel like The Toast comments thread is a safe place to be a huge nerd. Brunhilde is also the name of a 6th century queen who makes Cersei look like an angel. It's thought that she was the basis of the legend that part of Wagner's opera is based on. And the queen that she was fighting with was equally a terrifying bad-ass.
I know of all this because I became obsessed with Valkyries when I was like eleven or something.
See, this kind of thing here is why I always open Wikipedia in a new tab before I start reading Toast comments.
Brunhild and Fredegund! Finally, my interests (and master's degree) are relevant. I may be a bit of a Brunhild fangirl.
Super fascinating, right? Why does anyone mess with the Tudors and the Plantagenets and the Borgias when you can read about the Merovingians?
Probably because the sources aren't exactly in abundance.
I often feel like I've gotten a much cheaper, much more enjoyable, and much more interesting version of grad school after reading Toast comments.
Fun fact – The suffix -hilde on a girl's name means "battle" in Old German. So Brunhilde, Hildegard, Mathilde, Hilda, etc. all mean battle or something + battle.
This fun fact brought to you by A Mom Who Gave Her Daughter One of These Names Because That's What You Need to Get by in This Foresaken Day and Age.
You are an awesome mom.
"Without a spear, I am merely tall (very nearly 5’8). With a spear, I am statuesque."
That is WAY better than vertical stripes.
Spears make everyone look taller and thinner. This is well known.
Except dwarves. That's why they go for axes.
No, dwarves just don't want to be taller and thinner. Dwarves value a low, unmovable center of gravity. The Dwarven Ideal is to someday grow up to be a continent.
Wow, this is also my aspiration. Perhaps I should start carrying an axe and take up mining. New Year's resolutions done!
I am 6'5". I may have considered taking up LARPing solely for the excuse to always be carrying a spear.
6' 5"! I think you probably don't even need to worry about the imprimatur of LARPing, you can just carry a spear around in life. Or a halberd or a warhammer or something, go to town.
A glaive, with its full two meters in length. (Silly halberds, found to be more practical at only 5 feet long.)
I've long been meaning to put together a variation of this costume. And then, undoubtedly, spend months trying to invent social events to wear it to:
<img src=" http://cdn.theatlantic.com/static/infocus/suffrage030113/s01_3b17779u.jpg" ; height=397 width=623>
May I recommend: http://www.kungfudirect.com/prodimages/TDL/TD-Guan-Dao-b.jpg The Guan Dao — glaiviest of glaives!Also that is very good costume, but again, I think with a proper glaive you could just walk around town like that, not even worry about social events. If someone gives you a hard time — GLAIVE.
As someone who is 5'1" and once regularly a carried something close to a spear (military school platoon guidon), I'm thinking 5'6" is the minimum height to not look ridiculous. Shorter than that and you are better off with an ax, one of your smaller bows, or possibly just a large knife. Don't feel bad — nobody expects that sudden ankle attack!
Embrace the hobbitude.
nerdmoment: I played a halfling paladin once. She rode a celestial war pony (YES THIS IS A THING) and smote the kneecaps of evil with a size small longsword. I basically want to be her when I grow up.
Evil so rarely thinks to protect its kneecaps, so this is a sound strategy.
That sounds pretty much like my general philosophy of life. Where do I sign up?
Whenever there's one of those storms where the electricity goes out over large swaths of the city/province, I like to declare that it must be Ragnarok. so far I have been wrong, but one day my truth will come.
Confession: I totally thought last winter in Toronto was actually Ragnarok. I may or may not have burnt down a feasting hall.
I have been known to (occasionally) take pleasure in (some) men. Does this immediately disqualify me for the position?
Does the pleasure come from the noise of battle, the clashing of shield against shield, and the screams of the dying? Or is it the other kind?
My height (or lack thereof) has always gotten in the way of my dreams of becoming a Valkyrie one day. I suppose I can live with being relegated to the Druidess application pool.
Attitude can more than make up for lack of height. I am not tall. But everyone thinks I am. Even people who have known me for years. I like to say I have a tall personality. Stand up straight, chin up, wear a taking-no-shit and giving-no-fucks face, and *be* a Valkyrie.
I love every word of this.
My main takeaway from this is that Mallory and I are roughly the same height.
I have also been contemplating being a Valkyrie for Halloween next year (drinking horn, horned hat, vaguely-armor-y sweater, and my natural Viking/Teutonic/Saxon build)
I was a valkyrie a couple of years ago! I had a very elaborate tinfoil armor situation and giant wings that knocked over everything in the party. I lost the costume contest to another valkyrie, a woman whose *actual name* was Valkyrie. Even though my costume was realistically much more labor intensive (she was basically wearing a fur bikini), I accepted this as fate.
Yeah, I would do wings, but I am thinking that my way is more low-key and commute/work friendly. Of course, Halloween is on a Saturday in 2015, so commute-friendly may be moot.
New Year's Resolution right here.
I hope there is a forthcoming post on fictional character's resolutions. Obviously Dagny's is to become a train.
Just gonna leave this here for anyone who hasn't seen it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eN5dAQLYYrs
(I always figured I would fail as a Valkyrie because I was hopeless at team sports. I am waiting for Mallory to do one about Rusalki, because I have that *taped* (long hair, nice singing voice, likes to swim, wants to be frieeeeeeeeeeeeends).)
Also I hate wearing a bra and have no problem freebagging to bring up my monthly Drowned Man Quotient.
Rusalki forever!! Me and my lush wavy hair and sea-green eyes will be 100% there for that.
THIS VIDEO IS AMAZING; the speaker is amazing, the dress is amazing, the bit about two minutes in where she manipulates FIVE HUNDRED YARDS of TULLE around a piano bench is amazing, the description of the Ring Cycle is comprehensive and amazing.
"Ride of the Mallory" has a nice ring* to it…
Hojotoho! Hojotoho! Heiaha! Heiaha!
Put your stallion next to Ortberg's mare!
Who hangs from your saddle, Ortberg?
Martin Starr, so hands off you guys!
Welcome Nicolldhe, welcome Roxweisse!
Let us ride to kill the wabbit!
*No pun intended! That was not a pun, oh god put the spear down
Delightful!
No pun intended? That's the best of all possible puns!
Oh my god, sign me up. I would be the best Valkyrie.
The other week I went to see the big British Museum Viking exhibit, which had come on tour to Berlin. There were ladies there dressed as Viking women – not part of the exhibit, just regular punters in Viking laydee get-up. As you do.
Definitely applicants for this post. Fer sure.
They were staring really intently at the bones of fallen Viking warriors.
Apparently, they were the pretty boys of the middle ages .
I really enjoy the whole "the Vikings bathe and do their hair up nice so they can steal our women" thing. Stupid Vikings, with their stupid hair and their stupid soap.
ON halloween this year it got unexpectedly snowy very quickly and my (female) Thor costume failed (plaster breastplate didn't dry in time). Since I was expected to take 11 year olds out trick or treating, I literally grabbed broken jewelry out of my closet, along with one of my summer dresses and some scraps just laying around, and had a pretty good viking warrior thing going in 15 minutes. Plus, it was way warmer in that costume than as Thor.It might have been too easy to pull the elements together. Maybe it was a sign I should meet those ladies. We could band together.
I too am almost 5'8, so I should maybe consider an application. Alas, the ginger in my hair changed to dark brown as I grew up.
Sigh, this is what I want more than anything, but I am too blonde and short and peaceful to ever quality to be a Valkyrie. Where can I submit my application to be a forest nymph?
Dunno, but when you find it, let me know. I have wanted to be a Magical Woodland Fairy my entire life.
You're not a Magical Woodland Fairy? I'm disillusioned.
<img src=" http://img.pandawhale.com/108719-you-have-no-idea-how-hard-I-tr-hbHo.gif" ; width="400">
If I'm having a hard time going to sleep, I pretend that I am a forest fairy laying in a big leaf/flower petal house/bed, surrounded by a warm golden light. I live near a waterfall. My wings are kind of furry like moth's wings but they are chameleon, so they change into whatever colors or patterns I want. Real meditation is for suckers. Fairy Meditation for life!
<img src=" http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/clevermanka/1047329/156179/156179_original.gif"> ;
I am TOTALLY trying this tonight.
#12 ALL DAY, please.
So You Want to Lift a Medium-Sized Viking Over Your Head: Valkyriing for Beginners
Mallory you'd actually make an excellent Aiel Maiden but *runs away due to my own nerdiness*
I feel like you would also enjoy being a Red Ajah Aes Sedai, what with destroying the power of men and being feared even among witches being their primary gig.
Highly recommend going as a Valkyrie if you have some sort of mandatory office Halloween dress-up situation.
Warm, cute, and you get to wear a sword into staff meetings which was my primary motivation this year.
Later I wore it out to bars and demanded that the bartenders pour my cocktails into a drinking horn.
10/10 would wear again.
<img src=" http://imgur.com/rZsM0rN"><img src=" http://i.imgur.com/rZsM0rN.png" ; title="source: imgur.com"> <img src=" http://imgur.com/nJm3jq8"><img src=" http://i.imgur.com/nJm3jq8.png" ; title="source: imgur.com">
Whenever there's one of those storms where the electricity goes out over large swaths of the city/province, I like to declare that it must be Ragnarok. so far I have been wrong, but one day my truth will come.