Things are bad in America.

The woman did nothing more to catch Yakov's attention than to stand in the stale morning air, arms folded across her chest. In the crowd of commuters bustling through City Square, she should’ve been invisible, but the sight of her made him stop. He did not think her beautiful. He stared as if he were in one of the city’s churches and she was part of a mural on its wall.

I have one opinion to give you in this life, and it is this: those flimsy little paper toilet seat covers in public bathrooms are for fools and cowards and you are wasting my time and yours if you use them.

Beauty on the N train – m4w (Queens)

I saw you across the N train on Thursday afternoon haphazardly biting the skin off your bottom lip, almost as if you were playing a game with yourself to see how much skin you could pull off in one go. It impressed me. Let’s discuss your tactics over tea and lip balm in public for 20 minutes after which I will never contact you

…

Day I

You open the first window. Now something is open that wasn't before. What else is opening that you don't know about?

Come with me, my darling!

I shall take you to places you’ve never been!

You will be

SO

VERY

ANXIOUS

I will neither explain myself nor apologize (actually I will probably do both in the comments).

Navi, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (WHAT IF EVERY TIME I TRY TO TALK TO SOMEONE ALL THEY HEAR IS THAT NAGGING "LISTEN " BELL)

Immortan Joe, Mad Max: Fury Road

Denethor, The Return of the King

Principal Snyder, Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Carmella is a work of art.

My mother makes latkes using pulverized potatoes, so I always thought pulverized were the way to go. Only in college did I discover that most people shred their potatoes. I fought with my entire college Hillel about this every year, alienating many. In my old age, though, I’ve mellowed out: I realize that taste is subjective. People like what they grew up with -- latkes are, for many Jewish people, inherently linked to childhood holiday memories and…

Without commentary, because what could I add? (She is perfect and I will pay her any amount of money she asks for until the day I die.)

You are an 18 year old girl and in love with a 40 year old man. Everyone thinks this is fine.

Shrill violins do not bother you.

You are a beautiful, demure widow.

If you are a man, you own one of three outfits–a kurta set, wide-shouldered and garishly patterned double breasted suit, or a tight leather jacket under which you are bare chested. Any one is appropriate for

…

MARY YELLAN : my name is Mary and I think being a girl is worse than genocide
JEM : women are terrible but you absolutely have to kiss them
MARY YELLAN : I'd rather be a ship rat or on fire or a pile of greasy rags named Scumface

< APPLAUSE >

Mallory : thank you
I appreciate it
HEY Jaya
SHALL WE TELL THEM?
Jaya : It seems like a good idea!
That I live here now, with you, on The Toast.
Mallory : It's true!
You're joining us as a Staff Writer and I'm SO FLIPPING EXCITED ABOUT IT
Jaya : I am honored that you are excited about it because I too am excited.
Mallory : we're all excited