“I Used to Be Anxious About Flying But Now I Take Xanax When I Travel”

“I’m Glad We Communicate So Effectively Because I Think It Has Really Strengthened This Relationship”

“Here’s A Narrative About Three Seemingly Unconnected Characters Who Feel Sad For A Bit But Then Decide To Go Have A Picnic In The Park Together”

“Santa Baby, Thanks for Not Evaluating Me Based on How Many Fellas I’ve Kissed”

“Mary, Did You Know That You Have 12 Months of Paid Family Leave?”

“O Little Town of Bethlehem, How Many and Affordable Are Thy Health Care Choices for Women”

“All Of My Feelings About The USA Are Uncomplicated And Positive”

“I Have No Need To Refer To The Holy Spirit When Having Sex, Not Even A Little Bit”

“A Package Came For You Today--Is It For My Birthday? :D :D :D”

Riane Konc's previous work for The Toast can be found here.

“Maroon Is An Adjective, So I’m Not Going To Use It Like A Verb, Not Once”

“You Know What I’ve Got Some Thoughts About? The Southwest”

“Let’s All Just Camp Out Around Middle C Where None Of Our Voices Feel Strained”

“Almost Nothing Reminds Me Of My Failed Relationship, Including Those Crows”

…

Previously in this series: Songs from a Bruce Springsteen Album in Which No One Exorcises Their Personal Demons or Takes the New Jersey Turnpike "I Couldn't Be Your Friend Because No One Does That After a Breakup" "My Therapist Says That Seeing You 10-12 Times A Day Is Not The Best Idea And Yours Agrees" "I Want Your Lungs To Function Quite Normally (They Are Also Man Lungs)" "Walking With a Corporeal Human Being…

Previously by Lindsay King-Miller: If Carrie Brownstein Were Your Girlfriend “Teenage Girl Making Empowered, Thoughtful Choices About My Sex Life” “The Woman Who Didn’t Think Very Much About Food” “People Like You Have Consensual Sex With People Like Me Because Our Relationship Is Based On Mutual Desire And Healthy Communication” “(Car Pooling To Yoga Class On The) Pacific Coast Highway” “Jennifer’s Body Does Not Determine Her Value As a Woman” “Plump (Tomatoes From My…

Previously in this series.

“Little Lion Man With A Healthy Outlook"

“I Appreciate Our Time Together and Don’t Feel the Need To Pretend It Was Impossibly Difficult By Writing A Bitter Song About Sex And Christianity”

"This Song Has Some Banjo Playing, But It’s Very Tasteful"

"This Song Is Sincerely About Our Love For Whole Foods And Isn’t An Allegory"

…

Previously by Paula Duhatschek: Everything You Can Buy in a 1977 Archie Comic, in Order of Desirability "I Enjoyed My Teenage Years, But Don’t Think of Them Often" "The Knowledge Economy is Coming and I For One Am Thankful" "The Highway’s Jammed (with Responsible Drivers Who Have Made a Choice to Obey the Recommended Speed Limit)" "The Homecoming King and Queen Enjoyed an Amicable Divorce" "I’m Looking Forward to Revisiting My Hometown, Where the American…

Previously in this very odd series of imaginary albums: The Hold Steady and The Decembrists

"I'm Not Calling You a Liar Because I Genuinely Trust You Implicitly"

"Kiss With a Hug"

"Girl with Two Eyes"

"My Boy Builds Wardrobes (and Assorted End Tables)"

"I'm Going Out (Gonna Drink One Glass of Water for Every Alcoholic Beverage)"

Previously: Songs from a Johnny Cash album where the law is just.

This Ice Cream Truck Driver Sells Only Ice Cream, Not A Sense Of Specifically American Melancholy

Everyone In Line For This Pay Phone Is Calling To Deliver Good News

Previously in this series: An Album from The Hold Steady Where No One Gets Wasted or Shows Questionable Judgement. "I Slept Fine Last Night Because I Know My Wife is Faithful" "Riding Trains is Preferable to Robbing Them" "A Ballad I Wrote Myself and Which Was Definitely Not Given to Me by an Inmate" "My Moral Compass is Stronger than My Fear of Losing You" "Our Relationship is Based on More than Fleeting Passion"…

"The Jazzman Had Nothing To Say"

"A Relatively Subdued Horn Line"

"No One Was Out For A Walk On Greene Street"

"A Quiet Game Of Cards"

"Two Men Go Driving With A Specific Destination In Mind And Arrive There Promptly"

Previously in this series: Songs from a Decemberists Album Where Nobody Gets Murdered "Your Aloof But Intriguing Friend Really Puts Herself Together Well, Maybe I Should Give Her My Number" "The $20 We Just Found Will Be Used To Pay Down Some Credit Card Debt" "Minnesota Provides An Excellent Backdrop For A Healthy, Well-Rounded Adolescence" "I Remember It All So Clearly, The Time I Courted That Girl I Spent A Long Time Getting to Know…

"Let's Talk About A Holiday That's Not Christmas Or About A Minor Polish Civic Hero"

"Colorado, Now That's An Interesting State"

"A Guitar, A Bass, And A Drum, That's All The Instruments I Need On This Song"

"The Gender Of The Person I'm Singing About Isn't Ambiguous At All"

"No Biblical References Here"

"Let's Have A Party, Not A Crisis Of Faith"