This post is brought to you by MyEvilTwin, and is spiritually dedicated to the eternal majesty of the late Edward Gorey and also how much we don't like Elf on a Shelf.

A is for Ann skewered on a holly stake

B is for Brighton who ate the fruitcake

C is for Clio dismembered by cat

D is for Dylan by dinos stomped flat

E is for Ella by…