You are poor now. So very poor. You have left London and can now only afford a large house in the countryside, a rambling garden, and three (yes, only three) servants. Understandably, the degradation of this crushing poverty is very difficult for your dear Mother, but she bears it nobly. You have between two and four English siblings with whom you get into jolly and/or dreadful scrapes. They all love eating buns. Like seriously you…

Megan and Jessica last brought you Alternative Mother's Day Cards.

My Dad, the vegetarian cyclist who looks good in coral

It’s okay that broiling mammals isn’t your specialty, the grill not your domain

That you wave your hand in front of your nose at the roar of a diesel engine

That your fastball is a travesty

That your favorite shirt is the

…

My Mother, Who Did Her Best You picked me up when I was down (on the floor, with a busted knee, after playing slip-n-slide in the hallway while you were screwing with the DVR) You knew what was best for me (especially if I was whiny and we were in the car, driving past a McDonald’s) You supported me in all my endeavors (except for that one v-ball game you…