1. Enrolled in the Head Start Program

2. Wore invisible spandex to discourage opponents from riding in their slipstream

3. Funded mountaintop removal mining

4. Neglected to hand signal before turning

5. Failed to declare winnings on tax returns

6. Competed via hologram from a SoulCycle studio

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Jen See's previous (sportif) work for The Toast can be found here.

July means long days at the beach and ice cream in the shade. It also means bike racing. For three weeks each July, the Tour de France hurtles through the countryside in a blur of kaleidoscopic color. There are sunflowers and rainstorms and massive mountain passes. The riders’ deeply etched muscles shift and twist under leathered skin. Their legs tell

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