Hi, Three Dog Night. How’s it going? Want some — no, sorry. Sorry. I forgot. Look, I’ve heard you’ve been talking a lot lately about the party last Saturday and I’m really sorry to hear that you didn’t have a good time. I really am. I just wish you’d come to me about it, okay? I mean…I don’t want to tell you how to define your own experience, but it feels like some of your expectations were a little unreasonable. You know?

Want some whiskey in your water?
Sugar in your tea?
What’s all these crazy questions they’re askin’ me?

It’s a perfectly harmless question. You come to a party at my house, I offer you a drink. You didn’t want a cocktail, so I made you some tea. I just didn’t know if you took sugar in it or not. Some people take sugar, some people take milk and sugar, some people like lemon…it’s a party, you know? This is ridiculous. I shouldn’t have to defend this. I was just offering you a drink. You don’t have to have anything if you don’t want to.

This is the craziest party that could ever be
Don’t turn on the lights ’cause I don’t wanna see

I — I’m really sorry, but that was an unreasonable request, and I can’t apologize for refusing to accommodate you. People needed to see. Charlie was in the bathroom when you did that. He was really freaked out. It was a little weird that you turned them off to begin with.

Open up the window, let some air into this room
I think I’m almost chokin’ from the smell of stale perfume
And that cigarette you’re smokin’ ’bout to scare me half to death
Open up the window, sucker, let me catch my breath

You can open a window. That’s fine. That’s fine. I’ll tell Tonya to smoke outside. I can’t — I don’t know what to tell you about the perfume. I don’t know what makes perfume stale, and I’m not going to go around asking everyone if they’re wearing any. Open the window if you want to; it’s fine.

Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
That ain’t the way to have fun, son
That ain’t the way to have fun

So don’t come. Just don’t come. Don’t come to my party and start sniffing all the girls and loudly accusing them of wearing old perfume. That’s fucking rude. Don’t scream at me to stop “asking those crazy questions” when I offer you a cup of tea. And don’t let your girlfriend throw up all over my brand-new floor rug. (She could have at least offered to have it cleaned.) Stay home, with your mom.

The radio is blastin’, someone’s knockin’ at the door
I’m lookin’ at my girlfriend – she’s passed out on the floor
I seen so many things I ain’t never seen before
Don’t know what it is – I don’t wanna see no more

Okay, look, Three Dog, I’m trying really hard to be reasonable, but you know what? Fucking yeah the radio is blasting, BECAUSE THIS IS A PARTY THAT WE ARE HAVING. It’s a party, and there is music. And that was Sophia at the door. She was knocking so someone would let her in. That’s how homes work, Three Dog. You have a door and people knock at it when they want to come inside and then someone opens it. She was just a little late and you started screaming and screaming instead of letting her in. It was really weird.

I’m sorry about your girlfriend. I really am. But honestly, man? You guys showed up at eleven-thirty and she was already gone. I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen someone that drunk. Maybe college? That’s why I offered you tea — sorry, asked you a bunch of CRAZY QUESTIONS about tea. Then you knocked the cigarette out of Tonya’s hand and started screaming about how bad this party was and turned all the lights off. So I really feel like the responsible thing for you to have done would be to take her home.

I’m worried that your girlfriend has a drinking problem. We’re all worried. I’m having another party next week, and frankly, I — we — think it would be best if you didn’t attend.

Maybe another time, Three Dog. Thanks for listening.