Minor 30 Rock Characters, Ranked

Dr. Spaceman, Grizz, and Dot Com are not minor characters, shut your mouth.

26. Howard Jorgensen

“I was a lot like you. I dressed poorly, had bad posture, walked around with lettuce in my hair. And I cursed like a sailor. But Jack saw potential in me. He changed my life.”

Howard is the Liz-who-might-have-been, the Liz who took Jack’s advice instead of resisting him every step of the way. She lives with Gretchen Thomas on a Connecticut farm (they’re redoing the kitchen) and has finally learned how to knit.

25. Jeffrey Weinerslav

“It’s pronounced Wiener-slave.”

I would watch a spin-off that’s just Jeffrey and Lutz hugging each other and doing crafts together in quiet contentment. It would be deeply soothing.

24. Cooter Burger (James Riley)

“They’re written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water… But now you’re here. You’re here and everything’s gonna be better. Now we’ve got pens. Glorious pens!” No one telegraphs quiet desperation like Matthew Broderick.

23. The entire cast of Black Frasier

“That’s not the only thing around here that’s fruity and precocious!” Excellent, nuanced Frasier burn.

22. The actual Frasier

I would watch any of the following: the fake one-man Lincoln show Kelsey Grammar puts on to distract the 30 Rock crew, or a remake of The Sting with Kelsey Grammar as Paul Newman’s character and Jane Krakowski as Robert Redford’s.

21. Simon Behrens

“Yeah. I’ve seen a bra or two.”

It’s a dead heat between him and Josh Girard’s agent from Season One (“I’ve got a real bad sex addiction…This is going to be one serious negosh. We are not smiles times, my friend.”)

20. Donald (Tracy’s fake son)

“Well. We’ll see who’s still in business 200 years from now.”

Donald may be the creepiest minor character on a show that produced creepy minor characters at terrifying speed. Creepier even than the fanged and finned Leap Day Williams, his slow, haunting smile still keeps me up at night. No one can imbue “Hello, Daddy” with quite the same sense of drawling horror.

19. The creepy little blue dude Tracy sees when he goes off his meds in “Tracy Does Conan,” and who Liz also sees after she can’t finish her blood cookie

18. Jerum

Who among us does not love Jerum? Who among us would not stuff our mouths full of cheese and learn all of the dance moves in order to impress him? It’s not that much cheese, but it’s a start.

17. Pennsylvania coal miners who hate living exactly halfway between DC and New York City

“God, I wish this town weren’t exactly halfway between DC and New York.”

16. Liz Lemon’s lesbian gym teacher

“Lemon, don’t let these girls give you a hard time about who you are.” I want to set her up with the lesbian gym teacher from Clueless and get breakfast together on the weekends.

15. Sasha

Sasha may forget us (“And your name is probably something like…Me-liss-ahhh”), but we will never forget him, nor his glorious hair.

14. Moonvest

We would give you our fingernails, Mr. Moonvest. All you have to do is ask.

13. The Hair

Liz should have married him. Cousin or no, she should have married him. He had an elevator that went just to his apartment, and he shared her love of arguing with convenience-store clerks.

12. Virginia Jordan

Calling Liz on her shit.

11. Not Hazel.

We love Kristen Schaal, but good God, not Hazel.

10. The host of “Homonym”

30 Rock has a glorious history of coming up with fake game shows (Are You Stronger Than A Dog?, Gold Case), but something about this host’s impish glee in stymying his contestants makes him stand out. “Nope! Sorry; it’s the other one.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HKWUfA37Owc

9. Lenny Wosniak

The world’s saddest private investigator. If you sign up for his gym, he gets a free hat.

8. Deborah from MILF Island

One of the editors of The Toast owns a MILF Island T-shirt. Guess which one.

7. The terrifying, mysterious bald man who wakes Liz Lemon up with a kiss each day

WHO IS HE.

6. Whoopi Goldberg

Why isn’t she doing the same workout routine as her backup dancers? Because she’s Whoopi Goldberg, and if she wants to do a weighted shrug, she’ll do a weighted shrug.

5. Bob (“my favorite move is the shoulder shake”) and Joyce (“63 years young”) from the Timeless Torches

“My name is Bob, I’m 61 years old, my favorite move is the shoulder shake.”

“My name is Joyce, I’m 63 years young, and my favorite move is the Dougie.”

“My name is Liz, I’m 39 years old (for the third time), and my favorite move is Sunset Arms.”

4. The Crabcatchers

“Why do you have a seatbelt tattoo?”

“So I don’t get pulled over when I’m driving topless!”

3. Twofer as Sammy Davis, Jr.

Keith Powell is a damn treasure. “Black, Jewish, one eye, a white wife…It was a big tent back then.”

2. Will Forte as Tomas (Paul was great, but not minor)

Maybe it’s the bowl cut, maybe it’s the way he says “grapes.” The Hapsburg line may have ended, but we always know where we can pick up our gift bags: ze coat check.