Some of the greatest songs in the world all have conditional titles. Anything that starts with “If” is almost certainly going to be good. Here are two of Merle Haggard’s greatest “If” songs, both of which coincidentally happen to be about December and Mondays and are thus particularly relevant to us.

“If We Make It Through December” is a very good song; almost every song that is set at Christmastime but is not cheerful is guaranteed to break my heart. It’s quietly rather than melodramatically sad. Things might get better. If spring comes, if the money holds out, if they can make it to someplace warm, things might get better.

The steel guitars that open “If We’re Not Back In Love By Monday” are like twin steel knives quietly serrating my damn heart. He wants so little: a trip to a cafe with a table by the window, a little room service in a modest hotel, a weekend in Florida without the kids, just to make sure they haven’t fallen out of love altogether.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JxfQH5jqg1I

But if they’re not back in love by Monday, they can go their separate ways. Mrs. Johnson will get paid for watching the kids no matter what they decide, so there’s at least that.

Merle Haggard is the official Toast spokesman for the month of December; if you need me I will be quietly curled up in the corner until it’s spring.

[Image via Flickr]