Last week at SXSW, one forum introduced the latest in wearable technologies.

1. Bracelet that knows all your passwords.

2. Necklace that knows all your secrets.

3. Earrings that whisper affirmations to you before important meetings.

4. Skateboard Feet.

5. Sleeveless Slanket.

6. An engagement ring that shouts “It’s a lab diamond!” anytime someone mentions DeBeers within 100 feet.

7. One of those one-man-band rigs but the knee cymbals have solar panels.

8. A lil venture capitalist bro that fits in your pocket and finances your content buys at the bodega.

9. Wifi suit.

10. Wifi wig.

11. Headphones that are supposed to let you listen to music without bothering those around you but really project a weak version of any song’s bassline to at least half a subway car.

12. Ring watch that actually works.