Previously in this series: If Kal Penn Were Your Boyfriend

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, your wardrobe would magically become whatever slick, powerful, and comfortable means for you.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she’d put a pillow on the floor and tell you to sit so she could scratch your scalp while you watched Coming to America together for the thousandth time. She’d confess she really didn’t like it when Derek Luke and Tyrese were “play-fighting” over her characters Cookie and Yvette but she let it slide so it wouldn’t keep going. She’d fall quiet and you’d touch her ankle, thanking her for combing one of her secrets into your hair.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she’d tell you, “I’m sorry. I can’t talk any more. I’ve been running lines all day.” You’d assure her it was fine and prepare her something healthy but comforting to eat. While you’re at the sink, she’d come up behind you and press her cheek against your back, humming softly.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, you would gather a collection of fine lotions, leaving your skin almost as stunning as hers. Almost.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, your weekends would include randomly stopping by animal shelters to make sure the locations were clean and the pets were being treated humanely. Taraji would fall in love with a different animal each time and you’d fall in love with her all over again.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, you would constantly wonder why HBCUs aren’t lauded more often in the press, especially since Howard University helped shaped someone as awesome as she.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she would have no problem apologizing to you if she was wrong about something, but you’d know better than to be an asshole about the situation and rub the apology in her face, so you’d give her a little time to settle and wait for her to say “Quit playing and come sit next to me” while she was stretched out in front of the fireplace.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, you’d look up one day to find her studying your hair and face. She’d say, “Let me get you a treatment with my folks,” and you wouldn’t be offended because it meant that she trusted you enough to let you in on one of a woman’s most closely guarded relationships — the one between her and her beautification team.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, you would have a safe space to discuss current events without a lot of jargon or political correctness, because Taraji isn’t interested in trying to shut you down or “win” an argument. She wants to walk away with expanded thinking and you could never be mad at that.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she would be okay with the fact that you only watch Empire for her and the live-tweets, but she’d never let you disrespect the hard work of the people involved in the show. In turn, you’d make all your friends run the show from their DVRs, even if on mute, so the +7 ratings come back big, even though you’re not really sure how ratings are calculated.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, you would have whole conversations using only your hands and eyes.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, you would have matching pairs of sunglasses, and when she had to go out of town without you, she’d Instagram a picture of the sunglasses on her hotel pillow with a caption “This pillow is too cool for me.” People would think she was being silly, but you’d know it was a secret message saying how much she missed you.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, you would still play Guitar Hero on a regular basis and she wouldn’t make fun of you because your settings are still on “easy.”

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, your mom might raise an eyebrow but Taraji would charm her with respectful playfulness, letting her borrow one of her faux furs, and soon your mom would start making sure you saved Taraji a plate from Sunday dinners.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she would see you deactivating your Tinder and OkCupid profiles and give you a big wink and a slow smile over her glass of wine.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she would let you have all of her phone numbers, and that’s how you would know it was real.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she would not gossip about other celebrities, but she’d read the rumors that come across your timeline and blink once for true, twice for false.

If Taraji P. Henson were your girlfriend, she would recognize that you’re watching House Party again because you’d had a bad day, so she’d quietly order pizza and put a Coke in the freezer so it would be right at the point of slushiness by the time pizza arrived. She’d curl her feet under your thigh so she could be close but you’d still have space. By the time the infamous dance scene started, you’d feel much better, and Taraji would do the Kid’n Play with you.