Pretty much the best part about England is that they have divided their vocabulary up into U- and non-U aspects of speech, with the net result being that pretty much whatever word you choose to employ in a given situation, you sound like a grasping middle-class grasper and people talk about your graspiness in horrified tones the moment you leave the room. There’s a wrong way to refer to the bathroom over there! Imagine that. Asking to use the bathroom, and in the meanwhile exposing yourself as a grasping piece of garbage whose parents live in an apartment. What a country!
| U | Non-U |
|---|---|
| Ankle waterfall | Bicycle |
| Binky-punt wrap | Dress suit |
| That’s Jeffrey | Jack (cards) |
| In-The-Ground whatsits | Greens |
| Isn’t-a-bit-of | Ice cream |
| Nose ghosts | Perfume |
| Tarquin stick rally. | They have (got) a lovely home. |
| Oh, rather not (in bed) | Sick (in bed) |
| Had a mouth-whoopsie at sea. | I was ill on the boat. |
| Window what’s got faces on | Mirror |
| Fire-chozzle | Mantelpiece |
| A Severn ups-me-downs | Cemetery |
| Austrian ear-gigs | Glasses |
| Mouth jimmies | Dentures |
| Visiting dirt friends in Chesterleigh | Pass on |
| Tree sauce | Preserve |
| Grandma’s hand clim-clams | Serviette |
| Sit-you-down-sirs | Settee or couch |
| Ooh-it’s-the-old-white-cabbage-snatcher | Toilet |
| Full of pocket pebbles | Wealthy |
| Eh wot, Smethelwhyte? | Pardon? |
| Scads’ wenchforth | Cheers |
| Meeting the Duke of York | Dinner (for midday meal) |
| Flip-flop dinnertop | Sweet |
| Homosexual’s tea | Lounge |
| Gimbly-gam | Note-paper |
| Grimbly-guff scrambly-damp | Pleased to meet you |
| Morrissey’s night friend | Radio |
| Daytime Daddy | Teacher |
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.