"Your nap needs are meaningless to me, the dog. EMBRACE ME."

My parents owned a prosperous little movie theatre in a village in southern Ontario; that is, until 1953 when two things happened: television arrived, and the booming post-war economy allowed people to buy cars and drive the short distances to nearby cities where first-run movies played in nice theatres with indoor bathrooms. Overnight our audiences dwindled almost to nothing.

Now – even now – I am clutching my armrest in panic on a flight to Sydney ( what was that sound, it was probably just the landing gear retracting back into the undercarriage of the plane but what if it was death whispering my name with its metal tongue ), and when/if I arrive safely in Australia, please consider coming to see me this week, if you happen to be in Australia.

As a dentist, I vow:

to always keep my patient’s comfort a priority. I will do this by slowly laying out each tool in their peripheral vision and in total silence.

Are you ever intimidated by the academy? Do you ever feel like the single Philosophy 101 course you took in college is an insufficient recommendation for you to hold your own during dinner-party arguments? "Ooh, I don't know any Latin, I probably don't stack up too great compared to scholars of the past." Okay, well, stop feeling inadequately prepared at once.

"I was always telling the same story. For years, I thought its real power might be found in repetition: If I just told it often enough, then maybe, eventually, everyone would see me—my family, my adoption—as 'normal.' I wanted the story that had once convinced me to convince everyone. I wanted to believe I could make the story serve me."

1. It’s so nice to see you! (My Xanax just kicked in.)
2. My hair is different, thank you for noticing. It was time for a change (...back to the way it grows out of my head).
3. I’m very seriously considering grad school. (Tisch’s MFA program had an open reception at the MoMA one night, and there was an exhibit I really wanted to not pay to see.)

Previously: A guide to flirting with plausible deniability.

The worst thing that could possibly happen to you is thinking someone is making a pass at you when they aren't, full stop. There is no worse outcome.

Where is their buddy cop movie?

1. Set goal: vacuum the living room.
2. Vacuum. Did I say that already? Have you done it? I didn’t think so.
3. Wait—don’t get ahead of yourself! Plug in vacuum cleaner and leave it in center of living room. As a reminder.

He said he would kill for me, and I said, like, for instance who?

Blanket that faintly smells like your ex-boyfriend.

Hi, Emily! Can you tell me a little bit about yourself before we get started?

I grew up Catholic in the Philippines. Loved reading the Bible (mostly for the Old Testament stories though. My favorite book was probably Tobias, but I couldn't tell you why) and I really wanted to be an altar girl until I got in trouble and my mom told me I couldn't do it anymore, which made me sad.

EVERDEEN: My father gave me the book as a gift. When I was young, my dad would buy me these really nice hardcover classics as gifts, and I always felt really regal about it, like it was a tome and I was going to become so much smarter. I loved this book immediately. I’ve always been a big fantasy reader, but this was one of the first books I'd read that had such a relatable…