The tambourine is a percussive instrument with a wooden casing, animal-skin drumhead, and a number of small metal zils. Within its circular frame, it contains an ocean of suffering. No one who has ever held a tambourine has known joy. It is known colloquially among its players as "The Pain Hoop." It is a well-known saying among the mothers of France that it is "better to watch your child die than let her hold a…

1982 Gina whispered, “Things are going to be okay now, they will take us away to a better home or maybe back to our parents!!” as we nodded our heads believing her. I was the youngest at age 10; then there was Patti, who was a year older; and Gina, who was the eldest and also our fearless leader, who tried so hard to keep us safe. Earlier that day, we’d …

Two things:

1. There are plenty of entries in the "fake reality show" category of comedy, some of them (Queen of Jordan, The Joe Schmo Show, Total Drama Island) better than others (Drawn Together*); the Burning Love series tops them all, primarily thanks to Michael Ian Black's hideously accurate portrayal of an inexplicably smug, dead-eyed dating-show host.

I am WILDLY joyful to finally be able to talk about the sweeping Toast redesign that a dream team of geniuses has been working on for several months now, and will launch in early October. If you were one of the many, many readers we reached out to for feedback during this process, thank you so much for your time and energy on our behalf.

The idea of a redesign was

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I am so very, very tired today, Toasties. I was up late helping my husband roll grape leaves for his department potluck today (for whatever reason, every single work potluck he's ever had has been a 'bring traditional family foods' party, which in my own case would mean day-old pizza or a box cake frosted with Cool Whip, but in his invariably means the only Lebanese dish he really knows how to make: grape leaves). We…

"Who thinks it's got any relevance at all?...No one. Okay. Right. So. So we think it's irrelevant, do we?...Ah. Interesting! So we don't think it's relevant...but we don't think it's irrelevant, either? It's in the middle, sort of a gray area. Interesting...Right, so no one agrees with me, but did anyone find that helpful at all?"

Toasties! Did you read that Washington Post article about fruit and vegetable allergies being connected to pollen allergies? This explains EVERYTHING.

Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here. E.T. doesn't give in to Scientology. The teens of Clueless were alive the whole time. The New Yorkers of Do the Right Thing do not surrender to Mussolini's tyranny. None of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park get into college. Sophie chooses not to run for office. She's got enough going on. In Waiting to Exhale, Savannah finally exhales and thus cheats death once…

All heat waves are emotionally devastating as well as physically uncomfortable, especially in Northern California, where there is no central air conditioning ("No central air conditioning? Surely some public establish –" NO CENTRAL AIR CONDITIONING). I can handle the winter, or what we have in the way of it here. I can turn on the heat, or drag my cat onto my lap, or double up on socks. But a heat wave! Friends and lovers, heat waves are spiritually…

Everything about the new H. naledi bones is so fascinating I cannot DEAL with it: Most pressing of all: how to get it out again, and quickly, before some other amateurs found their way into that chamber. (It was clear from the arrangement of the bones that someone had already been there, perhaps decades before.) Tucker and Hunter lacked the skills needed to excavate the fossils, and no scientist Berger knew—certainly not himself—had the…

So you got a super-short haircut! Good for you. You look awesome like that, and your eyes totally pop. But maybe you’ve decided it’s not quite the right look for you after all. Maybe you’re finding yourself inconvenienced by all the queer women, enamored with your bold and patriarchy-defying look, who follow you everywhere. (“Really, ladies, I’m just trying to order a latte,” you plead, but TO NO AVAIL.) Or maybe you’ve just had your hair…

The National Geographic Society and 21st Century Fox announced today that they are expanding their partnership in a venture that will include National Geographic's cable channels, its 127-year-old magazine, digital and social platforms, maps, travel, and other media. Under the $725-million deal, Fox, which currently holds a majority stake in National Geographic's cable channels, will own 73 percent of the new media company, called National Geographic Partners. The National Geographic Society will own 27…

Previously by Jesse Berney: The Other Avengers Are Pretty Busy Right Now No one knows better than I do how cruel society can be to those who choose not to conform to its mores. My wife and I have chosen to live our lives strictly as though it were the year 2012, and we face near constant mocking of our uncompromising lifestyle. The looks I get when people see me using my iPhone 5…

Previously: The Problematic Bible. Exodus 23:22 But if thou shalt indeed obey his voice, and do all that I speak; then I will be an enemy unto thine enemies, and an adversary unto PC culture. 1 Samuel 1:6 And PC culture also provoked her sore, for to make her fret, because the Lord had shut up her womb. 1 Kings 5:4 But now the Lord my God hath given me rest on every side,…