One of the best parts of YouTube (and one that is closely related to "Hour-and-a-half-long documentaries about Atlantis" YouTube) is Alternate History YouTube, and the best part of that is, of course, "What If Carthage Had Won The Punic War" YouTube. The incredibly low stakes, the deeply specific knowledge of battle tactics and contemporary weaponry, and the macho angst unite to create a perfect environment for madness to flourish.

The faces and stories of transgender teen America: People call me a "transtrender." It’s people who pretend to be trans to be popular. It’s because of what I look like and how I’m not taking hormones for my transition, but there are plenty of transgender people who don’t want to go through that process. I like how I look, I really do. It’s up to other people to change their perception of me rather than…

It’s time to face some hard truths.

Let’s Be Real: We’re not Elizabeth. If we’re anybody in this saga, we’re dark-clad Mary, who thinks conversation is better than balls. You know what, Mary? Conversation IS a better way to get to know people and we get you, we totally get you.

I am a person who, like Hercule Poirot, prefers comfort and regular meals to menacing ex-girlfriends and sinister train conductors. It is my belief that Agatha Christie's beloved detective series, while excellent, would have been vastly improved had the bit with the murders been edited out and readers been left with 200 pages of Poirot sitting down to elegant, well-arranged little meals with tidy cutlery arrangements and delightful little dessert carts Presented without further comment:…

Dear Aunt Acid, I'm an undergraduate woman participating in a summer math research program. My project team consists of me and two other students, both men. Both of them curse constantly and casually. As long as they're just swearing, it doesn't bother me enough to make it worth bringing up, but I do object to their misogynistic language -- "what a little bitch," "don't be such a pussy," and so on. (Whether or not these…

Laura Sook Duncombe's previous Literary Ladies Cage Fight columns for The Butter can be found here. Hey, gal-pals! Welcome to Literary Ladies Cage Fight: where women always win! I am Aphrodite, goddess of love, and my sister Artemis and I read tons of books (for YOUR pleasure, dear readers) and celebrate the awesome female protagonists…by pitting them against each other in head-to-head combat. We’re so glad you’re here! It is true. I am Artemis,…

Numbers 16:30 But if the Lord make a new thing, and the earth open her mouth, and swallow them up, with all that appertain unto them, and they go down quick into Squaresville; then ye shall understand that these men have provoked the Lord. Psalm 30:3 O Lord, thou hast brought up my soul from the grave: thou hast kept me alive, that I should not go down to Squaresville. Psalm 139:8 If I ascend…

I’m sitting alone in Girvan, Scotland, on one of the longest days of the year, looking at the late sun and thinking about the women who all of a sudden caught fire. There were a good number of them. Enough, in the 1700s, to constitute a chapter in the medical literature. The most-quoted British case is Grace Pitt, a 60ish female whose charred corpse was discovered one morning in 1744—like “a log of…

"I'm kind of the guy who looks out for all the kitties in the park. Otherwise there'd be nobody to take care of 'em. This cocksucker here, I found him in a storm drain. Fur all messed up, fuckin' names spray-painted on 'im, and bird ox all fuckin' stuck to him. But I cleaned him all up. Look at 'im. That’s one fuckin' nice kitty right there." If you are having a particularly difficult Monday,…

I saw HAMILTON. It was a life-changing, transcendent experience. I wish every single high school student in the nation could see it. I wish you were seeing it right now. No praise is sufficient. It made me feel better about art, and the United States, and I both laughed hysterically and sobbed and it was better than CATS. (That part is a joke. I have good taste in musicals, I promise.) I saw it…

“You are the butter to my bread, and the breath to my life” ― Julia Child

First of course, Roxane breaks the terrible news: The Butter is saying good-bye.

HUGE, teary thanks to all you brilliant Butter writers, so much butter to our bread. It's been a joy to read and publish your work. And to you readers for loving it all as much as we did.

Hi Toasties! Toast Points will be short and sweet this week, because I have to go meet my kids' teachers this afternoon. (oh thank you Lord Jesus the end of the summer is nigh, HIGH-FIVE ME ONE AND ALL) This week, we got to read Texts from H.P. Lovecraft. Our beloved Green Gables got the Great House Therapy treatment. Christienna Fryar wrote about her years as a competitive swimmer and the need for…

When Nicole and Mallory approached me and invited me to contribute to The Toast, was absolutely thrilled. I recognized what an amazing opportunity it was, particularly as a woman of color, to be able to run an online publication where I had editorial freedom and the ability to pay writers. It has been all joy to run The Butter . I was able to publish truly amazing writing filled with wit and heart, humor and intelligence. I worked…

I'm not sure how many of their sketches could be described as "a series of mirrored regressions," but this is probably the best one of the lot.