If LeVar Burton and Yo-Yo Ma were your dads, you would be able to judge a book by its cover. Literally. You’d never waste your time reading books that would only disappoint you.

If LeVar Burton and Yo-Yo Ma were your dads, no one would be permitted to "joke" about arts and humanities majors’ dead-end jobs in your presence. No one would even want to.

I hear your objections already. "But Mallory, I have seventeen mortgages and my job was murdered in the Recession Tornado of Aught-Six." "Mallory, I had to sell my parents in order to pay off my student loans." "Mallory, I'm being chased by jewel thieves." [gesticulates wildly] Pshshshspspshshpsh. Hush. LeVar Burton wants our money, and frankly he deserves it more than we do. Do you remember the episode of Parks and Recreation where Ben asks Pawnee's chief of…