Okay. FIRST OF ALL, I genuinely loved Season One of True D, despite all the things that were wrong about it, and I had one of those “people are being too judgmental of a great show” reactions to the criticism, which I kept to my own damn self, bc it’s not like I could refute it, I just didn’t care about the things that were wrong more than I liked the show, and I watched the whole thing like five times.

So I take it as a personal insult that Nic Pizzolatto took all his worst qualities and interests and jammed them all up in the Season Two premiere, bc I had your back, man! I was rooting for you! I had withheld judgment when I saw the original casting announcement, because, well, maybe it was going to surprise us all, but my heart had started to sink a lil bit, bc I sure do not care for Colin Farrell.

this mofo right here with his wool cap

So, I settled into bed on Monday night with a plate of meatloaf, as is the custom of my people, hoped that the nineteen people who I’ve given my HBO Go login to were not all doing the same thing, and opened my mind and my heart to a new season. Then I pressed play.

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (draws breath) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Let’s dig in, shall we? Also, if you are at work, there are a lot of screengrabs of (admittedly gorgeous) tits after the jump.

“I sometimes think that if I believed everything I heard in rumours, I’d believe in some things that aren’t true at all.” This is my ASMR. It is the most soothing comedy routine I have ever seen.

“Now war and the bloodshed and the sexual frustration is everywhere, so for this reason, the Grand Council of Hot Love, you know, up in space, decide to dispatch three of their finest love commandos – Monique, Trudie, and Ginger – to seek out hate and the evil and sexy problems, right? Now aided only by Sexboy, without whose sex nourishment their sexual energy is incomplete and relying only on their ability to generate sexual horniness in absolutely everybody, this Sex Girl Patrol is out to save the planet.”

John Hawkes, you’ve been around for a long time but are perhaps most well known for your roles in Deadwood and Winter’s Bone. Why didn’t you tell me you were on the episode of Buffy where the teen murder sex ghost possesses her and Angel?

John Hawkes, do you think Spike’s character arc was an interesting chart of slow but progressive redemption, or a waste of a perfectly interesting villain?

John Hawkes, Joss Whedon has reportedly said that “I Only Have Eyes For You” was the episode where he realized David Boreanaz was a strong enough actor to pull off his own series. Why would he say that? Why would anyone ever say that?