1. Eating breakfast helps you lose weight.

2. If you eat breakfast under a sycamore tree, you’ll have good luck all year, and a little child will bring you lead things for your fishing rod whenever you need them.

3. If a rhinoceros serves you English muffins, saying “a tiddle taddle, a tiddle taddle, a tiddle taddle oooo” will convince him to give you peanut butter to go with them. The rhinoceros is very heavy.

4. Smearing jam on your breasts will attract a centaur who likes to hum that song by The Band. He will mount you, but it’ll be worth your while: his penis is human-sized.

5. If a breakfast made with ten pounds of feathers and another breakfast made with ten pounds of bricks is dropped off a cliff, the second breakfast will hit the ground first.

5. Narcissus worried that the Hollandaise sauce was going straight to his hips, so he ordered egg-white omelettes instead until his friends held an intervention for him.

6. The Minotaur will spare you if you smuggle him in some cottage cheese.

7. “You would have seen me as I was when God breathed through my sword and all men feared me, when I was taller than anyone for ten miles in every direction, when I could chase a deer for a week without stopping to eat or drink, then bring its dressed and flayed carcass home, fresh as the dawn.”

8. Guess the waiter’s weight within five pounds, and you’ll get a free raisin scone. Guess it within two pounds, and they’ll remove the raisins for you.

9. The Walrus was Paul, and he worried incessantly that MorningStar Farms’ Maple Flavored Veggie Sausage Patties didn’t really contain 79% less fat than their pork-based cousins.

10. Your morning Red Bull will give you wings. You’ll try to tear them off in chunks, but they’ll grow back thicker and stronger than ever. Your BMI will be altered irreparably.