Never Trust A Man
Elon Green’s previous work for The Toast can be found
here
.
With no vices.
1
With egg on his face.
2
With pinched nostrils and thin lips.
3
With dirty fingernails.
4
With a twisted tooth.
5
On a motorbike.
6
In a horse trade.
7
Over 50 who still has an earring.
8
That cannot laugh.
9
That hides wine in the closet.
10
That don’t hold up and look you in the face.
11
That laughs from his neck up–an honest man laughs from his diaphragm.
12
Who loves animals.
13
Who carries a handkerchief.
14
Who has found Jesus and still drives a Corvette.
15
Who wears sandal and diamond jewellery.
16
Who has not bathed by the light of the Great Bear.
17
Who was Protestant with half his head, and Romanist with the other half.
18
- Daniel Radcliffe interview : ‘Never trust a man with no vices.’” ↩
- “Never Trust A Man (with Egg On His Face),” Adam Ant . ↩
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame , Sonya Levien . ↩
- Doctor Who , Robert Holmes . ↩
- The Works and Life of Walter Savage Landor , Walter Savage Landor . ↩
- Holiday Affair (Entangled Indulgence) , Annie Seaton . ↩
- The Phi Gamma Delta , Volume 7 . ↩
- “Election Eve,” Fox News . ↩
- Christian Nation , Volume 29 . ↩
- It Looked Like for Ever , Mark Harris . ↩
- The Clockmaker, Thomas Chandler Haliburton . ↩
- The Medical Standard , Volume 23 . ↩
- “Passion Plays,” Larissa MacFarquhar . ↩
- Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World , Haruki Murakami . ↩
- Lily Wyatt , Will Aldis . ↩
- Swann , Carol Shields . ↩
- Plays in Prose and Verse , William Butler Yeats . ↩
- The Argosy , Volume 1 . ↩
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About Author
by Elon Green
Elon Green is a freelance writer. He's on Twitter and can be reached at [email protected] .
…with a horse called Nigel, is my favourite. I think it's a Terry Pratchett one but I may be wrong.
With orange eyebrows!
Oh wait, fuck, it was never trust a DOG with orange eyebrows. Ugh. Same thing, I guess. Also, always get the young man's name and address.
Indeed a terrific look there.
Wait, there have to be reasons?
Like, OH these specific kinds of men. I thought the title was just the whole thing.
I just thought, "I appreciate Toast really keeping it short and to the point during the busy holiday season."
To be sure, I appreciate this handy list, for when you have more time and would like to prioritize.
When I was little my dad taught me "never trust a man who says 'trust me'". I would bellow it anytime he (or anyone) said it to me. Now it's engrained and, as an adult, I realize the truth
That hath no music in him, nor is not moved by concord of sweet sounds; he is fit for treason, stratagems, and spoils; the motions of his spirit are dull as night, and his affections dark as Erebus.
<img src=" http://i59.tinypic.com/bh3si.jpg" ; />
See The Merchant of Venice or Vaughn-Williams' "Serenade to Music."
As regards #14:
There is a guy who is sometimes on the freeway with me in the morning who drives a silver Lexus with the vanity plate TTHE1ST, which I assume means Tithe First. There are several other biblical instructions re: poverty and not being a smug passive aggressive asshole that I have plans to paper his car with, should we ever be parked in the same place.
My brain's first attempt to turn TTHE1ST into words resulted in "T, theist." Perhaps he is merely a fellow named T who wanted to advertise one vague aspect of his religious beliefs.
I read it as "The First" misspelled. This is the Rorschach test of vanity plates.
TIT HEIST
Reminds me of this webcomic (NSFW): http://oglaf.com/isle-of-tits/ http://oglaf.com/isle-of-tits/2/
No, no, you've got it all wrong. It obviously means Titty Heist.
"TT HE 1ST" which means he gets to go tee-tee first and everyone else has to wait.
(Also how ironic is it to have something trying to say "the first" and then having to change up the spelling because you were not the first?)
But I sometimes keep wine in my closet! I am a lady though, so this is a completely trustworthy action. Come have wine with me.
I only trust women who keep wine in places where wine is not traditionally kept.
This is a good rule of thumb. I mean, Linda Belcher once kept her wine in a "wine cozy" aka Louise's old science fair, paper mache volcano.
. . . in a blue trenchcoat [Tom Waits].
I especially like that this is posted in "Beauty." Because this is my beauty secret.
"–Who Doesn't Drink." (old-timey-looking sign that Grandpa hung above the bar)
…who makes toys in a land where children are forbidden. (Yes, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is on for at least the third time this week and I am watching it.)