It is a great comedy sketch. It is a great music video. It is a great graduate thesis. It is a great personal manifesto. It is the best life advice any woman could ever receive. Tammy doesn’t spread for no roses, and neither should you.

Do I want love?
Of course I do
But do you think I’m so dumb
That I’d go out with you?

Nah, nah, no, no, never
I’m, I’m, no-ot go-na spread
I’m not gonna spread for no roses!

I’m not gonna spread for you
You gross old man
Your aftershave reeks
You buy your tan

(She’s not gonna peel for no buds, bud)

Nah, nah, no, no, never
I’m, I’m, no-ot go-na spread
I’m not gonna spread for no roses!

(This girl don’t put out for no foliage, friend)

Businessman #1: Call me…soon

Businessman #2: My wife will be out of town for 40 minutes — let’s get together and…talk.

Businessman #3: Hey, there’s lots of bad guys out there; I can point them out to you.

Mark: I run a charity — we collect panties.

Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk soon
Talk talk soon
Talk talk soon

Joan of Arc never did
Laura Secord never did
Gloria Steinem did once
But then she felt sad

I’m not gonna spread for no roses
(Better dead than spread)
I’m not gonna spread for no roses
(Better dead than spread)
I’m not gonna spread for no roses
(Better dead than spread)
I’m not gonna open my legs for no roses
(Better dead than spread)

Do you want love?
Of course you do
But if you want love
Shouldn’t it be your wife you talk to?