1. Crocoite: Slim jims enjoying a nice bubble bath.

2. Malachite: What we have here is the embodiment of the overreaching entitlement of Nice Guys. Somewhere, there is a man in a fedora who does not age. But every year, the mountain of dicks grows. and it yearns. oh, it yearns.

3. Realgar on calcite: This is the rose from Beauty and the Beast. Stop trying to trick us, rocks.

4. Bismuth: This is clearly the throne of a Crystal King, who maybe has an overly excitable interior decorator.

5. Azurite: Portal to an ’80s prog rock cover.

6. Sulfur crystals: This is how you make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

7. Citrine: Sun god dildo.

8. Danburite quartz: Furry sun god dildo.

9. Tourmaline: Amazon review: Looks like candy. Is not candy. 0/10, would not eat again

10. Opal fossil: Dragon egg.

11. Pyrite: Robot poop.

12. Black Lightning Opals: What Loki needs to destroy the world. Don’t give it to him.

13. Scolecite: At least part Tribble.

14. Amethyst geode: A portal leading into the vast vacuum of Space.

15. Pyrite, again: Here we have the earliest ancestor of the rock-’em sock-’em robot.

16. Crystal opal: Dammit, another new party drug? I can’t keep up with them. I’m too old for this shit.