Ancient Grains Archive
This Guy On An Old Harry Potter Forum Says Dumbledore Is A Time-Traveling Ron Weasley And I Want To Hear Him Out
Ancient Grains, Books, Magic
Jan 02, 2014
I do not remember offhand what I was doing for the entirety of 2004; playing a bit of indifferent tennis on the William Fremd frosh/soph high school team, to be sure; carefully nursing a hallway crush that necessitated careful class-navigation strategizing; rollerblading to Subway with my friend Emily a lot, because we
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“Are You There God? It’s Me, MacGyver.”
Ancient Grains, Television
Jan 02, 2014
The dawn stirred and so did MacGyver. His mullet gleamed in the soft light of dawn and he knew it.
“They say the morning is for birds and worms,” he said out loud, feeling for his trusty paperclip.
The cold winter air made his words look serious, like little clouds of gravitas. ...Read More
What Would Lorelai Gilmore Do?
Ancient Grains, Television
Jan 02, 2014
[Please note that this essay consciously ignores certain events that transpired in season 7 because...ugh.]
When I was 15, I thought Lorelai Gilmore was perfect.
Not actually perfect, I wasn't so naive that I couldn't see her flaws, but she was my ideal, the person I most wanted to ...Read More
The Sliding Scale of Wolf Sentience and Morality in Disney Films
Ancient Grains, Animals
Jan 02, 2014
Previously: The Rise and Fall of Fox Civilization in Disney Films.
Generally it is possible to establish a sort of makeshift sliding scale of animal morality and sentience in most Disney films by sorting them into a carniverous/anthropomorphic matrix: animals that eat other animals are likeliest (though not always) to be villains,
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“I Love Your Hair!”: On Being a Model Scout
Ancient Grains, Beauty
Jan 02, 2014
When I was 23, I moved to Portland, Oregon and started a job as an independent model scout for a local agency. When I first heard about the job it seemed perfect. It was glamorous, unusual, freelance, and I have to admit that I was attracted to the prospect of being able
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Watching Deadwood With My Dad
Ancient Grains, Television
Jan 01, 2014
Deadwood saved my relationship with my dad. Then he died.
Like so many of us in the “shows featuring Timothy Olyphant as an angry person with hats and really low-riding jeans” demographic, I love Deadwood. I love its harsh and beautiful language, its complicated female characters, its gut-punching violence, and its Olyphant.
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Today Is Our Birthday
Ancient Grains, Meta
Jan 01, 2014
Mallory: Today is our six-month birthday. The months are "rattling inside us like pennies in a tin Band-Aid box." Where has the time gone? (Into the past, presumably). Nicole, what were you doing last January 1st?
Nicole: Before we go ANY further, I want to make it clear that I will be truly celebrating
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The Final New Year’s Resolutions of Nacho the Miniature Horse
Ancient Grains, Animals
Dec 31, 2013
Nacho, a beloved miniature horse, was so small he was able to walk underneath your table. This was almost unbearably cute. People fainted from the cuteness. They came from all around the world to faint from the cuteness. Sadly, Nacho was attacked, under cover of a
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