I thought I was familiar with every subterranean-race theory; I’ve even read Jennifer Toth’s The Mole People, which is maybe one of the most discredited works of journalism ever published??? (I LOVE IT SO MUCH AND IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, or even just Dark Days, TEXT ME IMMEDIATELY). And yet I was not familiar with the Los Angeles Lizard People, until Christian Brown helpfully caulked that particular gap in my education.
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Celebrities I Have Long Believed Are Enchanted Dogs In Human Form
Animals
Jul 17, 2015
Obviously, Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello. The entire male cast of Magic Mike XXL, really, all wet noses and unbridled enthusiasm and hanging their heads out of car windows and sniffing things for the sheer joy of being alive. If Labrador Retrievers had abs, it would be these men. Fights are quickly dissolved into celebrations of life. They probably eat garbage, and kick their legs in the air if you scratch them in the right place. Life is reaction, and smelling other people’s hair, and moving as quickly as possible, and mating cheerfully, and finding a warm spot by the fire to curl up in.
Today I Learned About The Anti-Vaccinating Dog Movement
Animals
Jul 10, 2015
It’s people who are against vaccinating dogs, I should specify, not dogs who are against vaccinations.
Dog anti-vaxxers, I have learned, hate two things: vaccinations, and taxes.
“If someone goes up to the kennels and I am not with them, the dogs will bark. I will try and get some videos of the dogs on alert, when I get through with my taxes.”
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I’m Off To Utah Today, Please Enjoy This “Ritual Animal Disguise” Category From Wikipedia In My Absence (Don’t Worry, It’s Horrifying)
Animals
Jul 09, 2015
Remember, “this category only covers animal disguises worn as part of a traditional folk custom or seasonal observance.
It does not include catsuits, fursuits or animal costumes worn for promotional, advertising or play purposes, or as mascots at baseball, football or other sporting events, or as part of a theatrical performance.”
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Here Is A Video I Took Of Piglets Racing A Hurdle Course This Weekend
Animals
Jun 29, 2015
This post is sponsored by Adam Kranz, a longtime reader of The Toast who is thrilled to support the site.
The Alameda County Fair, you guys. It’s around for another week. I strongly advise that you do not miss it.
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No One In Medieval Europe Knew What A Deer Looked Like
Animals
Jun 24, 2015
“Oh, but Mallory, aren’t you being sort of deliberately obtuse, calling out a bunch of thirteenth-century illuminating monk dudes for drawing goofy-looking deer, knowing as we do that medieval art was only semi-representational and more concerned with iconography than naturalism?” No. I am not. “Okay, but are you willing to concede that maybe there are more kinds of deer than the, like, one American kind you have only ever seen?” I am unwilling. Let us proceed in mocking of the artistic attempts of the centuries-dead.
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The Desert Is Wide And Full Of Haters
Animals
Jun 16, 2015
Previously: haters of the sea.
The desert is a barren wasteland devoid of all life but haters and trolls. Nothing can grow there; the ground itself is a griefer.
“Oh, sorry, were you trying to grow roots,” the desert says to pretty much every plant. “How about just kill yourself.”
This is why humans invented things like oases; we like to remind haters that no matter how sandy and gritty they get, you can’t keep us from doing things like drinking water and enjoying ourselves near trees.
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