Haters Of The Sea: A Taxonomy
The sea is full of haters.
Light cannot penetrate its depths after a few dozen feet, due to the unusual concentration of haters lurking just below the ocean’s surface.
The first humans crawled out of the sea ages ago because they knew that if they wanted to get anything done like legs or talking, they’d have to get away from the non-stop hating and criticism. So we got out of there pretty fast.
HATERS OF THE SEA: A TAXONOMY
The moon is a hater.
“EVERYBODY MOVE,” yells the moon. “I’m ORBITING. GET OUT OF BED. IF I’M MOVING, YOU’RE MOVING.”
The sea anemone is a hater.
“If I can’t swim, you can’t swim,” the anemone says as it snatches another fish who was just minding its own business. “Fuck swimming.”
Remoras are haters. They won’t even swim for themselves. They wait for a shark to pass by and then suction onto their eyes and face, pretending they just wound up there by accident when really they just didn’t feel like doing any work.
“Oh hey, funny seeing you here,” the bullshit remora says, but the shark knows better. “What a total accident that we happen to be going in the same direction.” Haters can’t even swim.
A squid is not a hater. A squid is just trying to live. Squids do not need your input.
Every single manta ray is a hater. They’re giant sun blockers that like to fuck with everyone swimming below them. “Oh, were you hoping to use your eyes for seeing?” manta rays say before their giant wings blot out what little sunlight trickles down into the sea. “Good fucking luck with that. Sorry, excuse me, I didn’t see you there,” even though they entirely fucking did.
Coral reefs are not haters. Coral reefs are trying their best and you should cut them a fucking break.
A starfish is a goddamn hater. Fuck a starfish. A starfish will cling to something and eat it from the inside out instead of just minding its own damn business. A starfish will not die even if you cut its arms off. A starfish does not need arms to live, because haters live on spite.
A crab is a hater. It carries its own house around on its back because it’s too good to live in a rock like everyone else in the oceans. A crab thinks it is too damn special to lay eggs underwater and has to go lay them on the beach, like it’s a sea turtle or something. Crabs are not sea turtles. Stop trying to be something you’ll never be. Crabs think they are fancy spiders but they’re not. They’re sandy haters.
A dolphin is a hater. Don’t let that smile fool you. They’re laughing about you.
Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company . He’s on Twitter , and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
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Dolphins: the douchebags of the sea.
Seriously. Most of this list is the delightful sort of absurdity we all know and love, but the dolphin part is just too damn literal. Those little dirtbags are just going to be the worst all over you, and then go laugh about it with their friends. (And then probably assault their friends.)
the more I learn about dolphins, the more they just seem like a bunch of sea bros.
SEA BROS
A+
Maaaaan, how are we going to take to the sea if it's full of bros?
We will be upon the sea, while the bros are confined to the watery depths below. We will occasionally reap the bros as food.
Have you ever heard that recording of the dolphin imitating a human voice? What an asshole.
Oh, ballsack, it was a whale. WHO CARES FUCK DOLPHINS
“lol, lol, bruh this is what you sound like, this is how you sound. “neeeeyyyaaaaggghhh” hahaha bro, you're lame as fuck man. “neeeeyaaggggghhh” lolololol.”
Aren't they also very, very rapey? Well, perhaps not very very; Cecil Adams has us covered: http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/articles/46120 …
Many animals are not interested in issues of consent, but dolphins are definitely not the *most* interested.
Oh man I immediately thought of that Nat Geo Wild clip when I read this piece.
I've always wanted to punch a dolphin in its smug face. Take it down a peg or two.
Where are octopi and squid on this list! They know they are smarter than humans AND CAN WALK ON LAND and are just biding their time until they feel like staging a coup and destroying all of human civilization.
You can see it in their beady little eyes.
Yes, but they aren't haters! They will do all of those things joyfully for their own reasons, not out of spite.
Cuttlefish are haters, though. Those things are monsters. "Oh you're an octopus? I'm just like you, except I have an ACTUAL bone. You want to see my bone?"
It is for this very reason that I am filled with glee when I see cuttlefish bones at the pet store (they're sold as chew toys for birds). Take that, cuttlefish! Even useless, ridiculous-looking birds will triumph over you in the end.
Birb was once dinoSORE, what you was; tiny monkey with weird placenta? I THINK IS SO.
Cuddlefishes is weird though; change of color, too many arm.
(Someone white-knuckled it through Christmas with family using importantbirds.com : there may be long-term side effects.)
Aww but they are so cute. Say that to it's face!
<img src=" https://ppcdn.500px.org/72099991/991aaccf7abba84a795e5ab8377440fd1720d53b/4.jpg" ; width="300" height="200" />
"Honey, I think you're growing up in an environment that has some unhealthy attitudes; I want you to be extra careful to be kind and to listen to people who disagree with you."
I believe they do them out of a hatred for the human race (which, I mean, is justified cause we suck).
I endorse this opinion on squids and would apply it to all cephalopods. they do what they will.
Giant cuttlefish can be kind of jerks around mating season.
The sea may be full of haters, but my heart is full of joy.
I would like to purchase a wall-size art of the LOL manta ray, please.
I'll take a wall sized copy of all of them, pls.
The manta ray is really special, but the starfish gave me a true lol. Want them.
That starfish is the best thing i've seen all week.
What of all those hideous multi-legged things that live at the bottom of the ocean? Haters? I know for sure I hate them .
Today was probably always doomed to be a garbage kind of day for basically no reason (I have to be back in the office, which isn't nearly as terrible as it could be, but still, fuck you office) but now I have this and I will simply savor the fact that I AM that starfish all day at least until I get used to the garbage smell.
Starfish out.
I am shocked, shocked , at the cruel and baseless lies being spewed here against manta rays.
<img src=" http://unspokenpictures.com/wp-content/uploads/funny-cute-little-manta-ray.jpg"> ;
Manta rays are little rays (hehehe) of underwater sunshine that literally smile all the time.
<img src=" https://c2.staticflickr.com/8/7090/7310444576_751906781a_z.jpg"> ;
They even come out from their watery homes in order to give people hugs!
<img src=" http://www.funnypics4all.com/pics/3/8/3847.jpg"> ;
In that last picture the manta ray is like, "So, laaaadies. What are we drinking?"
And I am so much hoping that those are the Hey Ladies of the infamous email chain getting so much more than they bargained for on their Hey Ladies winter Caribbean trip.
Yes, I am a starfish.
PLEASE CAN THIS BE SO.
::pushes glasses back up on nose:: Actually, those are pictures of stingrays, which are related to manta rays but are different animals.
That being said, I LOVE stingrays. They are so cute.
Google Image Search has deceived me! |You'd think, though, that stingrays would definitely be haters. I mean it's right in their name that they're going to sting you.
Manta rays have the little flappy things on the front. They used to be called devil rays because people thought they looked like horns. Maybe they just knew they were haters.
Nothing has even given me as much joy as the looks on those girls' faces. Look at them cry. Just look at them, Anakin.
The lady in the blue swimsuit caught the three horrified women snickering silently with each other when she came out of the cabana. She thought she heard the one in the middle whisper something about "saggy ass" and "granny panties" before the snickering started, but she shrugged inwardly and shashayed her confident self right over to the tour boat.
Not that she WOULD have cared because all bodies are beautiful and a reflection of lived experience, but – I tell you what, Gladys – those young bitches got the stingray they deserved.
I love rays, they are the labradors of the sea!
1st pic: Oh, that's cute!
2nd pic: Nope.
3rd pic: Nope nope nope nope nope.
EDIT: just noticed that the 3rd pic has what distinctly looks like man head behind that ray. Methinks that the manta did not actually hop up to give these three an unsolicited and horrifying hug, but rather that dudebro thought it would be lulz to press a large aquatic creature against some women. :(
Aww, damnit.
Those were my exact thoughts on the picture progression although I did not notice the man head until you pointed it out. Now I'm sad for that ray, poor little guy.
Ok, this is very helpful. But I'm not quite clear on how it meshes with the other taxonomy post involving the moon and the sea. Are mermaids haters? I mean, there's the whole letting people drown for amusement thing, but the people in question were men, so I guess it could go either way?
This is actually an example of a mermaid's kindness to her land-bound sisters. She recognizes that, although they have not yet taken to the sea, they still deserve to go through this world unimpeded by men.
Don't even get me started about those humpback whales. They're always cruising around, blasting their so-called "music" at maximum volume when decent people are trying to sleep, and all the lyrics are like, "HWREEEEOOOOUUUNNN." I'm no racist, but it's no wonder that humpback whales can't get a job.
Oh, and I expect they all look the same to you, don't they? You are cetacist, sir or madam, and need to check your privilege.
Hee, fancy spiders.
GET OUT OF BED. IF I’M MOVING, YOU’RE MOVING.
Wait a minute, is my mom the moon??
Yes. Did you not know? Everyone else knew…
Everyone's mom is the moon.
(I'll give you a sec)
It makes so much more sense now, right?
Oh, isn't that nice? That's so nice.
So THAT'S where you got your luminescent complexion.
No, YOU! :3
<blushes>
but how are we supposed to take to the sea if it's full of haters
I thought it would be safe
Stay ON TOP of the sea. Very important. Do not listen to mermaids on the benefits of being WITHIN the sea.
I do not think they are singing to you, anyways.
!!!!
When the sea says "I want you inside me", do NOT listen. It is a trap. A sexy, erotic trap.
what about those damn jelly fishes? they can sting you even after they are dead, their spite lives on and on.
free floating form of pure hatred they are.
Jellies are the 4chan of the sea.
Their ability to overpopulate literally anywhere is also helping snowball the damage we've started in acquatic ecosystems everywhere.
So, yeah, 4chan continues to be right.
I want to believe you know this because 4chan is dead, and their terrible sting live on only for a little while.
Crabs think they are fancy spiders but they’re not.
Oh man I love this one too.