haters Archives - The Toast

The Desert Is Wide And Full Of Haters

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Animals Jun 16, 2015

The desert is a barren wasteland devoid of all life but haters and trolls. Nothing can grow there; the ground itself is a griefer.

“Oh, sorry, were you trying to grow roots,” the desert says to pretty much every plant. “How about just kill yourself.”

This is why humans invented things like oases; we like to remind haters that no matter how sandy and gritty they get, you can’t keep us from doing things like drinking water and enjoying ourselves near trees.

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Haters Of The Sea: A Taxonomy

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Animals Dec 30, 2014

The sea is full of haters.

Light cannot penetrate its depths after a few dozen feet, due to the unusual concentration of haters lurking just below the ocean’s surface.

The first humans crawled out of the sea ages ago because they knew that if they wanted to get anything done like legs or talking, they’d have to get away from the non-stop hating and criticism. So we got out of there pretty fast.

HATERS OF THE SEA: A TAXONOMY

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Bible Verses Where The Word “Philistines” Has Been Replaced With “Haters”

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Religion Nov 17, 2014

Previously: Bible Verses Where The Word “Praying” Has Been Replaced With “Truckin.’”

Genesis 26:14
“He had so many flocks and herds and servants that the haters envied him.”

Genesis 26:15
“So all the wells that his father’s servants had dug in the time of his father Abraham, the haters stopped up, filling them with earth.”

Judges 3:31
“After Ehud came Shamgar son of Anath, who struck down six hundred haters with an oxgoad. He too saved Israel.”

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How To Respond To Criticism

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Advice Jun 12, 2014

Stop doing everything. Don’t say anything or be anything. Get as small as you possibly can without disappearing. Don’t exist. Or keep existing, but differently than before.

Remember: criticism is the same thing as wholesale condemnation and also murder, so react accordingly.

Apologize, but don’t really mean it, and plant a seed of secret resentment so deep in your own heart that years later you can’t even remember that you’re the one who nurtured it and made it grow, it seems that much like a native part of you.

Sink into a hole so deep that no one can ever find you.

No. No. No. No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no NO. NO.

JUST DIE. JUST GET SICK AND DIE AND THEN YOU’LL FEEL TERRIBLE YOU EVER SAID THOSE THINGS BECAUSE I’LL BE DEAD AND YOU’LL BE SO SO SO SORRY AND YOU’LL WISH YOU COULD BRING ME BACK BUT YOU CAN’T.

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The Sixteen Stages of Reading Something Mean Someone Wrote About You In Response To Something You Wrote Online

Claire Zulkey Ancient Grains, Writing Jul 23, 2013

1. Disbelief: Wait, what did I write that these people are mocking me for? Did I actually say that? Was I possibly edited in a weird way? Or am I actually an idiot?

2. Bargaining: Was there a way that I could have written that thing I wrote that would have made me immune to ridicule? Why didn’t I think to write it that way? Maybe I can contact my editor and ask to have it changed?

3. Defensiveness: What do these people have against me?

4. Passive-aggressiveness: Can I say something witty and cutting, or perhaps ironic and humble, thereby shutting them down?

5. Commiseration-seeking: Maybe I can complain about this on a more sympathetic social networking platform and get my friends to say nice things about me.

6. Realism: No. That’s pathetic.

28 Comments