As you know, I spend an immoderate amount of time trawling Wikimedia Commons for old-timey paintings what I can crack jokes on, so I’ve seen my fair share of imperfectly-rendered animals, but this one here has taken the majority of my cakes.
What In The Hell Animal Is This, Please
Artwork
Sep 03, 2015
How To Throw A Party
Artwork
Aug 26, 2015
King Solomon Getting Peer Pressured By His Babely Wives
Artwork
Aug 25, 2015
We’ve talked a bit about the “Power of Women” motif popular in Renaissance-era European art before. It was a glorious time for art, when every neoclassicist Lowlander worth his salt painted women riding classical scholars like ponies and legendary heroes forced to wear beautiful pink dresses. And one of the more popular scenarios under the “Power of Women” umbrella was that of King Solomon being led into idolatry by his wives.
You are, I assume, roughly familiar with the story of Solomon, son of David, third king of Israel, noted for his wisdom and friendly reception to the Queen of Sheba. Something that’s less frequently mentioned about him is that, towards the end of his life, he sort of ditched the contemplation to marry every woman who walked into the room.
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Some People Eating Normally In Paintings, The Way People Eat
Artwork
Aug 21, 2015
so i just hold the beanspoon near my nose and scream, is that right
ah, waiter, another bunch of raw green onions for the table, please
YELLING NEAR BEANS IS WHAT EATING IS
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The Penitence Of Mary Magdalene, In Order Of Penitence
Artwork
Aug 10, 2015
Every Mannerist worth his weight in papal commissions loves painting Mary Magdalene. Wake up, paint Mary Magdalene, repeat, that was the artist’s watchword of the Renaissance. And it’s not a Mary Magdalene painting if she’s not half-dressed and brimming with repentance. If there was one thing Mary Magdalene loved, it was repenting. Wake up, repent of something, repeat, that was her watchword, presumably, if centuries-later paintings are anything to go by.
In the Gospels themselves, Mary Magdalene doesn’t show up much until later on in Jesus’ ministry; he cured her of a number of vague ailments which were described as “the plagues of seven demons,” and she was the first person to visit his tomb after the Crucifixion. (Lovely side note – religious scholars have pointed out that although Jesus’ twelve male disciples fled in the hours following his death, Mary wasted no time in going to see his body. In the Bible, it’s Mary Magdalene who becomes the first to learn and tell others of the Resurrection – which means that in the hours between seeing the risen Christ and reaching the other disciples, Mary Magdalene was the entire church.)
Anyhow! By the time of the European Renaissance, Mary Magdalene was conflated with numerous other Marys in the New Testament, particularly with an unnamed prostitute who coated Jesus’ feet in expensive perfume and her own tears. And, if you have learned nothing else from this occasional series, it is that European Renaissance-era dudes loved nothing more than injecting sexy babes into their Biblical tableaux. So Mary Magdalene is often painted repenting of her numerous sins…sexily.
Sexiness and repentance, by the way, are two very difficult feelings to paint simultaneously in the same person. Guess which of the two usually won out?
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Unique Bachelorette Party Ideas for the “Quirky” Bride!
Resolve the previously contradictory conditions of dream and reality with your ladies!!!!!!
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Diana, Roman Goddess Of The Hunt, You’re Never Going To Find A Boyfriend This Way
Artwork
Jul 14, 2015
Diana!!! Goddess of chastity and the hunt! You’re never going to find a boyfriend if you keep taking long, luxurious baths with all your female friends like this! Get it together!
Diana, how are you going to get a boyfriend if you keep turning all the men who see you into stags and then murder them with arrows?? That is NOT an approved method for keeping your man, Diana!!
Diana, you are missing a prime opportunity to invite some eligible bachelors to your naked all-girl meadow party! SM dang H here, lady! You’re supposed to be a GODDESS, this is Boyfriend 101 stuff!
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