1. “I’d like you to know that I’m particularly smart. Here are some subjects I consider myself to be very smart about. There is no question.”

2. “Can you explain why I didn’t understand this presentation?”

3. “This question has two parts, neither of which have anything to do with the other or the subject at hand. Also, this question has four parts.”

4. “Can you possibly speak to an area that is outside of your expertise but is secretly in mine, so that when you can’t answer it, I can try to hang onto the microphone and answer it for you?”

5. “I’ve written a book. Why hasn’t anyone published it? I will not tell you what this book is about. I have already tried all of the suggestions you are about to offer me, so don’t even try it.”

Editorial Note: I love women and I want you to live. I personally think that good hospitals are the best place to deliver babies (and that the onus is on hospitals to be better places to give birth, a lot of these women are coming off really shitty hospital experiences), but if you do decide to give birth at home, which is 100% your choice, please hire a skilled attendant. In the US, that’s ideally a certified nurse-midwife, and please consider waiting until you’ve had an uncomplicated vaginal delivery in a hospital first. You can bleed out from a postpartum hemorrhage faster than you can imagine. And, PRETTY PLEASE, do not opt for an unassisted childbirth because you’ve risked out of your midwifery practice. That is a terrible idea. Be safe.

*

1. no this is not true, this is completely untrue, get the damn Rhogam shot:

babe
babe
how much do you love me
oh god
are you in prison again?
no
what?
no
lol that was like one time in france
it doesn’t count as prison if you’re in france
anyhow
what are you doing like right now
I’m trying to finish The Importance of Being Earnest
okay well
stop doing that and sue my dad
what?
you should sue my dad
why would I do that?
he’s been telling everyone you’re gay
I am gay
well but he’s being really shitty about it
everyone’s shitty about it
okay
fine
well then just sue him because he sucks and I hate him
that doesn’t seem like much of a basis for a legal case
oh my god
are you going to sue him or not
all I want is a boyfriend who will sue my dad
I really don’t think that’s too much to ask

Kirsten Morry last compared Conrad Black and Barbara Amiel to Disney villains.

Out of all the national flags that could be described as “two coloured stripes surrounding a white section with a plant in the middle,” Canada’s is my favourite (although Lebanon’s is lovely too). Though that sounds like a tepid endorsement, I assure you that my patriotism is no less than is appropriately moderate for a Canadian.

The protagonist of Margaret Atwood’s book Cat’s Eye (Ed. – this is the best book) described the Maple Leaf flag as “looking like a trademark for margarine of the cheaper variety, or an owl-kill in snow.” Yes, Margaret Atwood, Companion of the Order of Canada, wrote that the Canadian flag looks like off-brand oleomargarine packaging. Well, margarine does have an important place in Canadian federalism jurisprudence, so I suppose it could be a compliment of sorts? Please read my forthcoming law journal article, “Hidden Margarine Reference References in Canadian Literature.” As to the “owl-kill in snow,” I suppose the bloody corpse of a mouse on a frozen landscape is, well, a striking image! Good for the owl, anyway, and who doesn’t like owls?