If there’s a consistent theme across the Legend of Zelda franchise, it’s people who underestimate the Hero of Time based on his age, and are pretty damn rude about it, too.

Phantom Ganon

“Hey, kid, you did quite well… It looks like you may be gaining some slight skill… But you have defeated only my phantom… When you fight the real me, it won’t be so easy!”

Mido

“Hey you! ‘Mr. No Fairy!’ What’s your business with the Great Deku Tree? Without a fairy, you’re not even a real man! What? You’ve got a fairy? Say what? The Great Deku Tree actually summoned you? Whaaaaaaat?! Why would he summon you and not the Great Mido? I don’t believe you! You aren’t even fully equipped yet. How do you think you’re going to help the Great Deku Tree without both a sword and a shield ready?”

Malon

“Your clothes, they’re so different. Wait, are you from the forest, fairy boy?”

Somebody you have never met has been nursing a grudge against you for years.

You are tapping a sheaf of papers and looking smug.

You have no trouble balancing your career as a prosecutor with your career as a rock star.

I’m a gamer. I’m really into games. I’m hardcore into tag.

I’m just saying that if a woman wants to play Heads Up Seven Up, she needs to understand Heads Up Seven Up culture.

What are you, some kind of fake Tiddlywinks girl? Get out of this forum.

I got into Pick-Up Sticks because women didn’t want to talk to me, and now they’re just pretending to be into it because it’s cool? I hate these bitches.

Only a SELECT MINORITY of jump ropers are harassing women, please don’t lump us all together.

Hundreds of millions of people play Capture the Flag. Here are 140 links to help you better understand the situation.

Careful readers of this site may have noticed that I bear a particular fondness for The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. My brother and I once spent an entire summer trying to complete the entire game (I was, and remain, a real stickler for side quests) in our recently-flooded basement instead of going outside in the fresh air and sunshine like your sister; I’m serious, go outside. To this day the smell of mildew and the sound of an industrial-strength fan transports me back to the first time I saw Link step out of the Temple of Time to find that seven years had passed and Re-Deads had overrun Hyrule Castle Town.

And if there’s one thing I love as much as Ocarina of Time (besides, I guess, Majora’s Mask), it’s hot queer babes in biker shorts and gender ambiguity. I tend to fall asleep during Very Serious Conversations about Sexism in Video Games™, so I’m pretty much going to focus on the masculine-of-center hotties and trans* readings of genderqueer characters and give all possible Unfortunate Implications (“But why do the Gerudos even need a king and shouldn’t Ruto be more independent and I think Malon lacks agency…”) a miss entirely. It’s such a great game for gays, lesbians and queermoppets of all stripes. Here’s a primer for those of you who might need a little push before picking up your old N64 controller.