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I'm a fan of tradition. I don't particularly care what the tradition is, how long it's existed, or what it represents, I just like things you can look forward to every year because I'm an anxious person who craves stability. I'm also a fan of Secular Christmas, because I don't believe in god but I look great in red. Because of those two, let me present one of my favorite Christmas Traditions, the annual viewing…

Girl you know we've been together / such a long, long time

This is a long-term relationship! He didn't just meet this girl on Tinder yesterday! This is not just an excuse to show her his dick! She knows that dick. She's on that dick all the time! No. This is to demonstrate to this girl that his dick belongs to her, and her alone.

1. Spend your entire childhood and adolescence in Australia reading books from the northern hemisphere. Pretend that you understand the following things: mint jelly; tobogganing; conkers. Dream about snow. Dream about roasted chestnuts. Dream about mince pies. Dream about Christmas tree forests, the heavy scent of pine and cold. Dream about Christmas sweaters, the uglier the better. Dream about opening presents in front of an open fire. Dream of deep, long, dark nights, and the hope

…

VAMPIRES AREN'T SOCIALISTS. I mean, you knew this, obviously, no one is unfamiliar with the aristocro-porn in vampire mythology, BECAUSE VAMPIRES ARE THE UPPER-CLASS RESPONSE TO THE FRENCH REVOLUTION PROBABLY, but still, this is subtext made text, friends! "Oh, wow, Mallory, did you just notice that vampires telegraph wealth and class privilege in literature?"

This is supposed to be the baby's chair. I could kick her out, but she is now 15 pounds, instead of 9 pounds 7oz, and I sense time will take care of this for me (ditto "please don't crawl under the bed.")

Women are expected to do this job out of love or biology. Teaching is seen as “fulfilling” for us; satisfaction the only reward we should need.

A comic about the winter coat you need on this, the last day of autumn.

I. Tradition I always wanted the kind of holidays you see in Publix commercials, ones stuffed with family sitting around a mile-long table that’s covered with dishes all lovingly made. I imagined waking on Thanksgiving to frosted windows and a house already warm from the oven. Aunts and uncles and cousins would stagger in throughout the day, some early enough to watch the parade while the air slowly turned savory; some just in time…

“Santa Baby, Thanks for Not Evaluating Me Based on How Many Fellas I’ve Kissed”

“Mary, Did You Know That You Have 12 Months of Paid Family Leave?”

“O Little Town of Bethlehem, How Many and Affordable Are Thy Health Care Choices for Women”

"Daniel Mallory Ortberg , cofounder of the Toast, sold a currently untitled short story collection to Henry Holt."

THE HOBBIES ISSUE!

Sansa is very snowy, and her ears are beginning to go up. Her dad's ears are floppy, and her mom's ears are straight, so we weren't sure, but right now she's starting to always look like she's listening (she is not always listening.)

WHAT A WEEK.