advice Archives - The Toast

Dear Businesslady: How Do I Do Right By My Coworker?

Businesslady Advice Sep 02, 2015

Dear Businesslady,

I work in a small office (like we-don’t-have-any-HR-department small). My co-worker, who is my age (30), is an alcoholic. He used to be a really intense one — like fucking-up-all-the-time, mystery-sick-days, smelling-like-a-distillery, positively-purple-and-about-to-pass-out-in-meetings kind of intense. Then he was sent on a mandatory leave of absence by the management, for detox. He came back sober, but flash forward a year and he’s back to drinking at work on the regular. He’s not as extreme as he was, but his breath smells like alcohol most days, and sometimes he has hand tremors. The other day I secretly smelled the bottle of juice on his desk — it was mostly vodka.

The other day I spoke to him privately about his continued drinking at work. He seemed to be concerned only by the possibility of being fired. He told me he never sought the recommended post-detox treatment (therapy, AA, anything). I tried to be compassionate while mainly sticking to facts (because that’s what the websites about confronting your alcoholic co-worker all said to do), and encouraged him to seek treatment.

He’s tough to work with in general, due to traits that I suspect are linked to his addiction (sullen, silent, uncooperative, undependable, with a ‘victim’ mentality). I’m also worried he won’t be on the ball for some upcoming work responsibilities (we will shortly have many new people to train, and he’s one of the employees being tasked with training). WTF do I do, Businesslady? Am I enabling his addiction if I don’t say something to management? And what are some other important things for people to know about booze and the workplace?

Dear Worried,

This is obviously a problem on a different order of magnitude than “my coworker is being kind of a pain,” and I don’t blame you at all for being concerned.

31 Comments

Aunt Acid: Advice for Dealing with People You Can’t Stand

Aunt Acid Advice Aug 31, 2015

Dear Aunt Acid,

I’m an undergraduate woman participating in a summer math research program. My project team consists of me and two other students, both men. Both of them curse constantly and casually. As long as they’re just swearing, it doesn’t bother me enough to make it worth bringing up, but I do object to their misogynistic language — “what a little bitch,” “don’t be such a pussy,” and so on. (Whether or not these words can be “reclaimed,” that’s definitely not what’s going on here.)

Today Bob held out his hand, gimme-five style, and said, “Here, touch me.” When Dave reached out, Bob jerked his hand away and said, “Just kidding, FAGGOT!” They clearly don’t think any of this is a big deal, and I don’t know how to call them out without them thinking that I’m an angry feminist. (I am an angry feminist, of course, but I’ve found it’s easier to get men to behave if they don’t know this.) What should I say?

Monica

Monica:

The world is full of injustices and cruelties over which we have no power. We can yell at Republican primary debates on TV, at international news coverage, at local news coverage, at street construction, at August weather; we can go all Howard Beale and stick our heads out the window and scream, “We’re mad as hell and we’re not going to take it anymore!” So often it seems like farting on a subway platform: No one will notice and nothing will change.

Every once in a while, though, life presents you with a problem you can solve. Not just that: a problem you can yell at, where yelling might actually make a difference.

119 Comments

Buttered This Week: Aug 22-28

Melissa Moorer The Butter Aug 28, 2015

“You are the butter to my bread, and the breath to my life” ― Julia Child

First of course, Roxane breaks the terrible news: The Butter is saying good-bye.

HUGE, teary thanks to all you brilliant Butter writers, so much butter to our bread. It’s been a joy to read and publish your work. And to you readers for loving it all as much as we did.

2 Comments

Ask Bear: Be Glad in Love

S. Bear Bergman The Butter Aug 25, 2015

Dear Bear,

So there’s a boy, and I really really like him, and I’ve liked him a while, and he likes me back in a kind of getting married-like way, though we’re not engaged. But we’ve talked about “our life” as though it’s assured going forward. He’s from a family that’s like my family in various ways, and there’s a lot of expectation and positivity. It’s clear that if I marry him I will be showered with all the love and gifts and approval you can imagine (and as I said, I really, really like him).

Then there’s a girl (if it matters, I’m a girl). I have known her less long but I like her a lot too. Differently, and I don’t know if that’s a boy and girl thing or some other kind of thing. I’m different with her than with him. She and I are having a thing that I thought was going to be a fling but isn’t. Besides which she and I are also from pretty similar families and backgrounds. I am not sure how my parents and so on would receive the news that I was breaking up with the boy they’re all so excited about to take up with a girl, but she would be a soothing choice for them.

The boy doesn’t know about her, but she knows about him.

They live in Boston and Chicago, respectively. I live in New York, but I will graduate in December and there will no longer be any reason to boing around like a pinball. I should move to where one of them lives and set up shop there.

I bet you can guess the question. But I have to say one other thing first. It might sound stupid, but I love them both SO MUCH. Just really differently. Like night and day, like sunset and sunrise, like stars and dew. How is it possible that having so much love in my life sucks so bad? That is not what I was promised.

* * *

42 Comments

Can We Guess What You Would Have Died Of In The Early Modern Period Based On Your Zodiac Sign?

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Advice Aug 25, 2015

Aries: It’s a classic Aries move to die in the Fall of Constantinople in 1453. Aries are independent, sometimes moody, generous, and incapable of surviving the onslaught of Sultan Mehmed II’s army once they cross the north side of the Golden Horn. Whether you’re a soldier in Mehmed’s service or a terrified member of the Byzantine royal family cowering in the city’s crumbling defenses, there’s no way you’re making it out of the siege alive.

Taurus: Childbirth.

95 Comments

Buttered This Week: Aug. 15-21

Melissa Moorer The Butter Aug 21, 2015

This week was the full feelings buffet. Remember, you can always come back for more: Celeste Ng called How to Make Yogurt in Manila by Grace Talusan ‘beautiful and moving’ (on the Twitter machine) so you don’t have to take our word for its awesomeness. “Things That Are Meant To Make You Feel Safe And […]

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Ask Bear: How Do I Learn About Happiness?

S. Bear Bergman The Butter Aug 18, 2015

Dear Bear,

How do I move on from thinking life is miserable to actually enjoying the happiness I have found? I spent much of my teens sitting in my room with the company of power ballads like Heart’s Alone, progressing to the angsty grunge of the ’90s and then the lesbian cliche of Indigo Girls. These songs were comforting and confirmed my view that life is lonely and full of sadness. I battled my way out of the closet and found a way to express my female masculinity only to have my heart broken twice. See, I was right all along, I will die alone and unhappy.

In the 15 years since then I have met and married a beautiful woman who shows me the joy in the small stuff. I have studied and worked hard to get a job I love. I have lived in the same city for longer than I have ever lived anywhere in my life and as a result have some amazing true friends. But I still slip back to those miserable tunes, expecting the worst to happen and wearing sorrow like a comforting chunky cardigan. How do I shuck off this jacket of misery and feel the warmth of my life to its fullest?

***

17 Comments