Howard
Howard are you in there?
WHO IS IT
it’s me
how long have you been locked in here?
LONGER THAN TIME
are you planning on coming out anytime soon?
for food or for anything?
I WENT OUTSIDE ONCE
IT WAS TERRIBLE
EVERYONE WAS WALKING DOWN THE STREET BUT THEY WEREN’T DESCENDED FROM THE MAYFLOWER
yes that
that happens sometimes
texts from Archive
Texts From H.P. Lovecraft
Texts From
Aug 24, 2015
Texts From Charles Bukowski
Texts From
Jul 01, 2015
As a young man I could not believe that people could give their lives over to those conditions. As an old man, I still can’t believe it.
what do you mean
like
going to work?
What do they do it for? Sex?
what
no
that’s not why people go to work and you know it
TV?
i mean that’s not the primary reason
An automobile on monthly payments? Or children?
yes
obviously
that is why most people go to their jobs
is to pay their bills and also feed their families
Children who are just going to do the same things that they did?
are you honestly asking me to explain the circle of life to you right now
“Hey, the boss can come in here at any moment and lay all of us off, just like that, don’t you realize that?”
yes
we all realize that
Texts From Hieronymus Bosch
Artwork, Texts From
May 21, 2015
i painted you something
you did?
oh good
I’m glad to hear that you have been keeping busy
do you want to see it
oh
I
what’s the painting of?
just a regular bird
oh okay
I’d like to see that
what do you think
pretty regular huh
Texts From Blanche DuBois
Books
Mar 11, 2015
stella
stella its your sister blanche
your sister from before, with mom and dad
Blanche!
my God
it’s so good to hear from you
it’s been ages
yeah probably
Texts From The Dashwoods
Texts From
Jan 21, 2015
Father is gone, Fanny
he died this morning
not on the good couch?
the what?
the good couch
you know how i feel about relations dying on the good couch
that’s for guests only
no no, my love
he died in bed
whose bed?
his bed
oh
that’s all right then
Texts From F. Scott Fitzgerald
Texts From
Nov 05, 2014
The good folks at Buzzfeed asked me to write a bunch of break-up texts between various literary figures (as this is part of my house of wheel) when I was in the office yesterday, and I have obliged. It was very fun, even though my hand hurt after writing roughly four sentences in pen, because I have lost the skill of writing things out by hand entirely.
ZELDA MY LIGHT
MY LOVE MY OWN
I HAVE FINISHED THE BOOK
I COULD NEVER HAVE DONE IT WITHOUT YOU, MY GENIUS ANGEL
oh i’m so glad you think so
i actually wrote a book too
WHAT
YOU’RE HYSTERICAL
I CAN’T UNDERSTAND A WORD YOU’RE SAYING
Look At Texts From Jane Eyre; Look At It Now
Books
Apr 01, 2014
Here is friend of the Toast and literary person Rachel Fershleiser holding an early copy of Texts From Jane Eyre, the book that I have written with these two hands. Ignore the John Grisham poster in the background; John Grisham is a distraction. John Grisham, like all men, is the past. I and my kind are the future. We will ascend on the backs of male humorists and scryers and wordsmiths and culture critics into some kind of super-heaven, like Coin Heaven in Super Mario.
Should you care to pre-order it (the book comes out in November), you may do so here. Should you care to briefly look at the description and decide the book is not for you, you may also do that. “I do not need another bathroom book making jokes about telephones,” you may decide, and that decision is right for you. “I can read Buzzfeed lists for that.”
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“Texts From,” The Book
Ancient Grains, Texts From
Dec 02, 2013
Would you like to read a book with your best friends William Carlos Williams and Emily Dickinson and Lord Byron and William Blake and T.S. Eliot? How fortunate for you that this dream will soon become a reality. Thanks to the combined and industrious efforts of Kate McKean (agent of self) and Allison Adler (editor of self) at Holt, the day is not too far off that you will be able to hold assorted, fictional text messages from literary characters who do not in fact exist in your hot little hands.
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