Previously in the series: Autumnal Shower

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To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!! 

Can you believe it’s November already? I feel like just yesterday we were picking apples and feeling like we had the world at our fingertips. This holiday season is crazy already, between all the travel, galas, and regattas. I just wanted to write to my ~girls~ and tell you how much your friendship and support has meant to be this year. I am thankful for each and every one of you! Even Katie, although she is the worst at liking my instagrams ;) As Alanis said, “thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you, thank you silence.” I am most thankful this year for how well Jake Gyllenhaal has aged and also for my friendships, which I plan to cultivate much more in the New Year.

I am focused on clean and holistic living for the rest of 2014, but if anyone wants to do some pre-Thanksgiving vacay mani/pedi/Brazilian (blowouts/waxes) before Wednesday let me know! I’m just really looking forward to some R&R. But also I might be hitting up some bar the night before Thanksgiving and might be running into someone from high school that I heard is recently divorced, so I am planning a revenge fantasy of making Jeff want me, then brutally rejecting him, then going back home for clean living and gluten-free Thanksgiving. Anywho, let me know if anyone’s down!

Xo! Ali

“I clench his hands to the point of pain. “Stay with me.”
His pupils contract to pinpoints, dilate again rapidly, and then return to something resembling normalcy. “Always,” he murmurs.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

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Author’s Note: We wanted to thank EVERYONE who came out to Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works Books back in June and everyone who watched it on Livestream! It was an amazing success and we can’t wait to (hopefully) do another one!

The following brand new Hey Ladies email thread was read out loud at the live event. Past installments can be found here.

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To: Ali, Katie, Morgan, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Jen

Subject: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Hey ladies. I struggled a lot while deciding whether I should type this out and send it off.

But like, I don’t know. I feel like I am coming to the end of my rope. Marriage is hard. Like really fucking hard. Like sometimes I literally….want to MURDER brad. And then I feel bad about it. And he’s like why are you crying and I’m like because sometimes I just want to kill you. Like he makes me so mad.

I JUST don’t think it’s hard to like, do a dish or like, turn off the lights, or surprise me a few times a week with a nice dinner or a gift!!!!!! Or a vacation!! Or a new car or like, a new blender or ANYTHING. Like you can’t get lazy on me now, Brad, we have til death do us part to make this work and, as Fergie says, I just don’t feel like he’s meeting me halfway.

I feel like I can move out like I can get divorced. I can do this and start over and like meet someone else, someone who will do dishes and not annoy me.I know you guys aren’t married, seriously none of you are even close, and I’m sure to YOU Brad always seemed like he was the perfect man but like, IDK what to do. I really don’t.

Ladies what do I do. I am so like, low. And Lexapro isn’t even helping. I’m pretty sure my shrink has me on placebos. xo jen

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To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Morgan

Subject: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

OMG Jen, I am so glad you reached out to us!!!! We are here for you bebe!! I’ve been telling everyone on gchat for months that I think your relationship is fucked. What kind of husband has a business trip on New Year’s? A woman always knows.

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Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Love is in the Air. The ladies waived their fee as a Saint Patrick’s Day gift to The Toast. We are very grateful…we think?

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: March 4, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

Hey ladies,

I’ve taken myself to theme out the next holiday (St. Patty’s!) for our crew. I just realized with the exception of Jen, all of us are single and nowhere near getting married (but also, you never know!), so why not use this time in our lives to go big and never go home.

Mingling in March = our St. Patty’s. It’ll be like college again except the guys we end up sleeping with may actually be able to afford to take us out for brunch in the morning.

I want to #tbt this entire holiday so that means partying like it’s 2002!

Places we can go:

- Hoboken (NJ but cute meathead guys)

- Murray Hill (no explanation needed)

- UES (younger dudes just out of college, hot)

Acceptable outfits:

- Anything green

- Cute makeup

- HAIR

- Shamrock stickers?

- Wristlets (coach???)

I think it will be so fun. Ugh, you girls keep me so young LOL.

ALSO did we want to talk about doing a weekend at Jen’s husband’s parent’s beach house in Boca??? Jen is that still an option??? Let me know if you want me to text your in-laws. What are their names again?

xx,

katie <3

“I know who I am. And after all these years, there’s a victory in that.”  – True Detective

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Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Book Club.

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Ali
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies!!!!

SO as everyone knows New Years Eve is my signature event!!! In years past, I would have been sending out save-the-dates in the early spring. But I actually have some news!

Mike & I broke up. It was 10000% mutual. I was doing a combo The Art of War/Why Men Love Bitches/October Cosmo’s “How To Keep A Man Interested Using These 40 BJ Tips,” but none of it worked. I’m just dealing with a lot of wrecking balls coming at me right now.

But like I said when I got mono while playing Mimi in Rent at Stagedoor Manor, the show must go on!!!!!

I’d like to do something supes low-key this year. Sometimes before we can YOLO we need to CHOLO (Concealing Heart Outrage (through) Laid-Back Outings). Think we need to stay local. Ja feel?

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