women in western art history Archives

Women Dropping Polite Hints In Western Art History

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Artwork May 11, 2015

baby i love you but reading is not a group activity

OH, GOOD
ANOTHER DIRGE

wonderful news, Tess
this gentleman is here to describe our own globe to us

42 Comments

Women Trying To Politely End Conversations With Men In Western Art History

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Artwork May 05, 2015

mm yes
this anecdote is so much more interesting than my needlework, thank you
i hope someone beats you to death with your own walking stick
please go on

that’s very interesting
oh, that’s very interesting
THAT’S very interesting
that’s VERY interesting
that’s very INteresting
THAT’s VEry INteresting

i can’t reach my book without having to talk to him

no, please, drink
your mouth must be so thirsty from telling all these dour stories
it’s
it’s bad for your health to tell so many stories out of your mouth without putting something back in your mouth in exchange
so you should drink quietly for at least as long as you were talking to me
for your health
for your mouth health

114 Comments

Women Praying Furiously In Western Art History

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Artwork Apr 06, 2015

ok before we start this prayer
everyone remember
you hate god
you hate food
you hate everyone in this room

hello, God
bet you didn’t expect to hear from me again
did you, fucko

73 Comments

Women Feigning Interest During Polite Conversation In Western Art History

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Artwork Mar 19, 2015

keep smiling, girls
keep him looking in that direction and i’ll keep signaling for help

78 Comments

Too Many Men

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Artwork Mar 16, 2015

I do a lot of complicated cracking wise about Western art here at the old Toast network, but this one is nice and simple: There are too many men. The title of each of these paintings is clearly “Too Many Men.” The problem is too many men. Enjoy your day.

66 Comments

Women Being Inexpertly Groped In Western Art History

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Artwork Feb 10, 2015

how about this
is this good
yes
im just going to tonelessly stare into the middle distance for a while
but this is good though right
yes
when a woman starts staring into the middle distance that’s how you know you’re doing it right

THIS WOMAN APPEARS TO HAVE NO NIPPLES
HOW CAN YOU PARTY AT A TIME LIKE THIS

buddy why would you touch it like that though
like you’re trying to snip my areola clean off

the title of this painting is “Woman Selling Vegetables”
breasts are not a vegetable, friend

111 Comments

Women Listening To Men Play Music At Them In Western Art History

Daniel Mallory Ortberg Artwork Jan 12, 2015

John, you’ll conduct
Percy, you’ll be on violin
what’s my instrument, Papa?
your instrument is listening, Mary
the greatest instrument of all

you don’t have to point that so close to me
well you keep backing away, silly
how are you supposed to really hear it if you keep backing away into corners
oh
i manage

keep playing, i’m still looking
dont you mean listening
sure

i don’t think you really need me for this
of course we need you
you’re the page turner
but there’s only one page of music
yes but soon we’ll be able to play more than one sheet
we’ll need you to be ready then
also you’re not looking at the page
i really need you to be looking at the page right now