How To Spot A Witch
Any woman who has made more money than her father for a two-month period or longer, is a witch.
Any woman who has seen at least one full season of Gilmore Girls , is a witch.
Any woman who owns a wristwatch or is taller than a man, is a witch.
Any woman who was born during a storm or has laid eyes on Erykah Badu, is a witch.
Strangely enough, Kate Bush is not a witch.
Any woman who has ever worked in retail and told someone in a dressing room that they are “Kelly if you need me,” then chuckled dully and tonelessly when the customer changing therein said, “And who are you if I don’t need you?” is a witch.
Any woman who has ever owned the Cucumber Melon body spray from Bath & Body Works, even if it was only a Christmas gift when she was thirteen and she hardly ever used it, is a witch.
Any woman who suspects that another woman may be a witch, is a witch.
Any woman who loses her wedding ring immediately becomes a witch, even if she finds it again.
Any woman who has ever paid for her own movie ticket or eaten a meal alone in a restaurant, is a witch.
Any woman who has ever said, “You know what? Let’s just leave the dishes for the morning,” as if she were suggesting something naughty and delicious, is a witch.
Any woman who has talked about the work/life balance, even in passing, even on Facebook, is a witch.
Any woman whose library fines exceed thirteen dollars (or their international equivalent), is a witch.
Any woman who has been inside of a cave for longer than an hour, is a witch.
Any woman who has ever taken food she knew did not belong to her in a communal fridge, then lied about it, is a witch.
Any woman who owns more than four candles or has spent at least one (1) sleepless night consumed by jealousy, is a witch.
Any woman who has struck a deer with her car or called into work sick when she was not, in fact, sick, is a witch.
Every woman in Maine and Colorado is a witch.
Any woman who has ever flown on a plane while menstruating, is a witch.
Any woman who has ever thought she could be a really good artist if it weren’t for the fact that she has a lot of trouble drawing hands, is a witch.
I live in Maine, and I promise you: not every woman here is a witch.
I mean, me , sure. But not evvvvveryone.
I know one other person who lives in Maine and she is definitely a witch, and I'm pretty sure the population of Maine is ~2, so. That's both of you.
Or perhaps I am she, in one of our many guises. CACKLE.
All women in Maine who are not witches are ghosts.
That's why our capital is Aughooooooooosta.
I've been fantasizing for years about moving to Maine and this isn't doing anything to change my mind.
Any woman who lives in Maine and doesn't own vaguely butch 'hiking shoes' that she falls into then wearing even in the complete absence of any terrain that would merit the term 'hiking,' is a witch.
This is very apropos, as I have just begun reading The Enemy Within: Two Thousand Years of Witch-Hunting in the Western World , and also I am a witch.
I live in Colorado, and I promise: every woman here is definitely a witch.
I'm SUCH a witch.
but hands are really hard you guys.
If you want I can model for you, because according to a man who once cornered me (I was 17) in a dark place at the public library I worked at, I would be a great hand model. He proved this by placing my hand over his to compare.
Coincidentally, I never had library fines exceeding $13 while working there
because I erased them all.
women (and girls) accosted by strange men in libraries (this has happened to me way more times than would be random): witches
YES (why?? why, strange men?) Me too, I am a witch.
FYI, the last strange man to hit on my at the public library asked me my nationality. I'm pretty sure he was trying to do the whole "You're so exotic" thing. ::eyeball rolls:: I told him I was American.
ugh, the WORST. The last man to approach me in the library was in the german section (many witches speak german) and he resembled Milton from Office Space but, no joke, had CONDOMS spilling out of his breast pocket. He asked if I knew german and when I said yes he said, in german, "I'd like to take your underwear off" SO NOT COOL
I am pretty sure being approached by a man with an efflorescence of condoms makes you a third-degree witch automatically. Understanding the German for "I'd like to take your underwear off" makes you a third-degree witch of the high unholy order. And if you didn't allow him to immediately remove your undergarments, you have probably only escaped burning at the stake because your crones in the Supreme Witch Council intervened.
Also. "So not cool" gets my vote for understatement of the week.
this is true. Reading what I wrote I am horrified I didn't report him, but if my crones have my back, that ass will get his. I think mostly I was so flustered and enraged that I didn't trust my translation, and I didn't want him to have any out. I flashed him the look of flaming skulls in my eyes and told him he was out of line and floated away.
OMG I certainly hope you took him up on this enticing opportunity.
No? You didn't? … WITCH.
Wait, was the guy Joey Tribbiani?
I would have been significantly less creeped out if it had been. And not just because it would have been nice if the guy were decent-looking, at least.
Plus then we could've made so much money! Hand twins!
Actually no the guy's hands were gigantic, and mine, I'd like to point out, are short and stubby and not at all attractive.
There's a trick to it. If you can draw a slightly curved, flattish box and cylinders (plus a few other minor considerations) you can draw a human hand.
This is my witching song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FBaP5HdwPLA
Thank you the Bird and the Bee for making one of my favorite songs ever!
I was born during a snowstorm. Does that count? Am I an ice witch?
The Ice Witch is Ang Lee's next movie, in which a disaffected young teen from New Canaan gains supernatural powers after being electrocuted during an ice storm.
The Ice Witch will be the title of my next story, regardless of whether it has anything tp do with ice or witches
I was born shortly after midnight, causing my mom to write the wrong date on half my birth announcements. I also sent her into labor just as she sat down to watch Cleopatra with Elizabeth Taylor. Does that count?
Witch
also, women who talk to the woman in the next stall, without obtaining prior consent/agreement that this is an acceptable thing for humans to do* are for sure witches.
*it is not.
Yeesh, I barely want a stranger to talk to me at the sink/mirror…
… and not just because I am using most of my concentration keeping up the illusion that I have a normal human reflection. Yeah, mostly, but not just .
I only do this with my closest friends, and it usually goes something like "TEEHEE WE'RE PEEING RIGHT NOW AND TALKING. TEEHEE." Still a witch?
No sorry demoted to fairy.
I find it acceptable for continuing a conversation I am having with a close friend or my mom, generally only if the restroom is otherwise empty. INITIATING conversation from a stall is no go (unless there is some amazing graffiti or something you absolutely HAVE to tell the other person about, maybe.)
Actually what you are describing are trolls, not witches.
I'm such a witch…
HOW MUCH OF A WITCH ARE YOU?
… When I fly on a plane, evvvvvvvvery passenger menstruates.
EVEN THE MEN *CACKLES MANIACALLY*
Especcccccially the men.
*raises eyebrow, which causes conical hat to tilt rakishly*
I want there to be points associated with these qualifiers that add up to different level of witchery taxonomy. Please and thank you.
I propose the rank of "what a total witch" for your proposed witch hierarchy.
also, "witch, please"
witches be triflin'
yessssss
Witches also be chocolate fudge brownieing and tiramisuing, because witches appreciate a variety of sweet moments in this life of service to forces beyond mere mortal comprehension.
WITCH TAXONOMY. Can this be a thing? I need a chart, and a field guide.
"Any woman whose library fines exceed thirteen dollars (or their international equivalent), is a witch."
Therefore all librarians are witches. Just an fyi.
I'm a librarian and I've only ever paid one library fine in my life!
But I'm still a witch.
What if my local library (happily) doesn't charge overdue fines? Am I a witch if I totally abuse this privilege because I'm too busy/lazy… and because I can ?
I currently have over 100 dollars in library fines! (…which is why I now just buy ebooks, because it is cheaper :/ )
Eleven of these apply to me. Does that make me some sort of SUPER WITCH? And if so, how can I use this to my advantage?
…I suppose I would already know the answer to that if I was, in fact, a SUPER WITCH.
:(
I just want to know what happens if multiple ones apply multiple times. SUPER SUPER WITCH? Can SUPER SUPER WITCHES get free movie tickets? Because seriously, I'm tired of paying for mine.
I think they're cumulative. I AM TEN WITCHES.
Not Kate Bush, and also not Margaret Atwood.
I feel like Atwood is probably witch-friendly though. She hosts witch teas and stuff I bet.
BUT ATWOOD GREW UP IN THE WOODS. THE WOODS PPL.
Yeah, Atwood is totally a witch. Maybe even the Head Witch.
Seriously. Margaret Atwood is an avid birder, which must mean she has Animal Familiars at her beck and call at all times.
Finding yourself nodding along to questions of 'are you a witch?' means yes, indeed, you are a witch.
Going by "strega" of your own choosing means yes, indeed, you are an Italian witch.
shhhhhhhhh
Let's also not mention how my bff will frequently point at me and yell "witttttttttch" because I'm sure that says nothing at all concerning this issue. nothing.
One of the great moments of my marriage: walking into The Fella's place of work just as he, facing away from the entrance, said "I'm pretty sure she's a witch!*" to a co-worker. Inches away, I murmured "I know."
He's generally pretty unflappable, but he jumped satisfyingly high.
*He was telling a mutual friend about yet another in my uncannily long string of predicting long-arc television plot twists (really just the side-effect of watching and dissecting far too much TV), which he attributes variously to genius, witchcraft, or an unspecified psychic power.
I wore so much Cucumber Melon spray in 8th grade I am pretty sure I STILL smell like it. Where does the line start for the witch burnings?
I was …. sad when it was discontinued. *hangs head*
I have a feeling Cucumber Melon Spray would make a great flame accelerant.
Once when I was tending my community garden plot and two possibly drunk men asked me what I was doing, I explained to them that I was growing oats. "For cereal? like oatmeal?"
"Same plant," I explained, "but I'm growing it for medicine."
"MEDICINE?? Are you a doctor?" When I said no, their next question was, "OH, are you a witch??"
Nailed it.
Oh, please tell me that you didn't verbally respond, simply looked over your shoulder and gave them a hard stare. Because I think there needs to be at least 2-3 witches per community garden plot.
Hard stare for sure. And I mentally calibrated that in the long run, herbalist/midwife/witch are all pretty synonymous, no? Now I have my own yard, and I can grow all my medicine in spooky peace. My milky oats are almost ready to harvest!
Out of curiosity, what does this contribute to medicine? As in, what is it used to combat?
Oats are a balm for the nervous system. I make a tincture that I use for stress, anxiety, insomnia, pms. They are gentle, soothing friends. One of my favorite (?) parts of having chickenpox was taking oatmeal baths.
Oh yes! The oatmeal baths for chicken pox is ringing a bell now.
Not that I did that, no, are you crazy, I am laughing at the thought of my mom putting that together. But I'd heard rumors.
Where do you put the tincture?
10-20 drops in a glass of water. You can get milky oat tincture at WF or most health food stores, if you don't have your own personal witch to make it for you. It's the shit. all women (witches) should be taking it!
Awesome, thanks for sharing! I'm going to look into this. I operate on way too high a frequency lately, and therefore don't get enough sleep, which makes me even crazier, and so on…
How To Spot A Witch in the Post-Modern World:
Does the wifi clabber when she's around? She's a witch.
Can you see her third nipple through her clothing? No? How about her first and second nipples? Yes? She's a witch.
Can you not see her nipples through her clothing despite trying (and wanting) to? No? She's a witch.
Does she wish, whether purposefully or wistfully, for equal pay for equal work? She's a witch.
Does she have a greenish cast to her skin? Warts? A bumpy complexion? Any blemishes or flaws that betray a less-than-perfect obsession with skin care, to the exclusion of all other concerns? WITCH.
Has she ever participated in a Take Back The Night march? Obvs a witch, TAKE BACK THE NIGHT, C'MON.
Does she own a "This is what a feminist looks like" t-shirt? She's ensorcelled you with a mis-perception spell; it actually reads "This is what a femi-witch looks like."
Is she a proponent or practitioner of intersectional feminism? InterSECTional. WAKE UP, SHE'S TOTES A WITCH.
You are to ensorcelling what mosquitoes are to Blackbird Pond.
"No respectable woman could stay afloat like that!"
I must have copied the cover drawing on WoBBP a hundred times when I was a little girl*.
*and by "girl" I mean "witchling."
So, since we're talking about witches, say the name of some books about witches that aren't Mists of Avalon (though <3 u, Mists of Avalon). I need to read something where the townsfolk are alarmed. SO ALARMED.
Ooh! I liked Daughters of the Witching Hill . Also We Have Always Lived in the Castle , ofc.
Yesssssss. I was rummaging my memory trying to recall if there is actually, technically a witch in We Have Always Lived in the Castle before deciding "Whatever, recommend it anyway!" Everyone should have the pleasure —- the slippery, rough, odd pleasure — of reading it.
When my book club read it we spent a good chunk of time discussing whether Merricat was actually supposed to be a witch and I recall being surprised that anyone thought she wasn't a witch.
We Have Always Lived in the Castle yes yes of course always.
Oooh, I just looked it up and there is an audiobook version of We Have Always LIved in the Castle ! I have read it in print but I am on an audiobook kick right now and I bet it would be extra creepy as an audiobook. I am going to get it and listen to it in October when it starts to get dark early enough that I can walk home at dusk, but not so early that the cemetery I cut through is closed by that time.
So excited.
INNOCENCE by Jane Mendelsohn. Not quite witches. Super alarming.
It's a kid's book, but The Witch of Blackbird Pond is a perennial favorite in my family, and only partly because it was written by a friend of my mother's.
The Anns Petry and Rinaldi wrote a couple of Salem Witch Trial novels that I loved as a kid: Tituba of Salem Village and A Break With Charity .
For Blackbird Pond fans, there is also Witch Child by Celia Rees.
I still have the paperback from a school fair. MEMOOOOOOOORIEEEEEEEES!
Whaaaaaat Elizabeth George Speare was a mortal human who was friends with people's moms?! That is great news. Reading The Witch of Blackbird Pond many, many times was an important activity in my childhood. I revisited it last year and was so pleased to see it held up.
wait, you have a connection to Elizabeth George Speare?? That is so cool!! (I loved Witch of Blackbird Pond and Calico Captive when I was a kid.)
CALICO CAPTIVE YES.
That was my favorite book to read when I was growing up!!!
Ooooh, read "The Perilous Gard," a children's book about with a spunky Renaissance-era heroine who gets menaced by malevolent fairy folk. It's great.
Also a kid's book, but the Juniper series was fun witching times.
The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane, Witches of East End (+ sequels), The Third Witch.
Terry Pratchett's Discworld books!! The witches sub-series in order of publication: "Equal Rites" (1987), "Wyrd Sisters" (1988), "Witches Abroad" (1991), "Lords and Ladies" (1992), "Maskerade" (1995), and "Carpe Jugulum" (1998).
There's also a Young Adult spinoff that I haven't read yet, with young witch Tiffany Aching and featuring Granny Weatherwax: "The Wee Free Men" (2003); "A Hat Full of Sky" (2004); and "Wintersmith" (2006).
I just remembered that I forgot to contribute to this subthread when I was going to suggest "doyenne" as a witch level. I learned the word "doyenne" from reading Wyrd Sisters in high school.
Yes, the books with the witches were always my favorite Discworld books!
I just reread the OP's request for witch books where the townfolk are alarmed. I'm not sure if the Discworld witches count, but at least most people in Lancre are intimidated by Granny Weatherwax?
So I guess I'm basically Anjelica Huston in The Witches, then. KNEEL. KNEEL BEFORE YOUR GRAND HIGH WITCH, ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR.
So is this the Melis Maleficarum ?
Hahahaha, also, the last time I was babysitting (for my roommate's 7 yr old) I was just about to turn out the lights, and I saw one of those opalescent flattened glass marbles on her nightstand. I grabbed it, held it up for her to see, and said, "I'm putting this under your pillow so you will have good dreams" She breathlessly asked me, "how do you know?"
"Because I'm a witch!" when she looked a little concerned I clarified, "You know, a GOOD witch" and the furrow on her brow disappeared and she smiled and fell promptly to sleep
If I leave the dishes for a week, does that make me a SORCERESS!? (I am OK with this, they have better clothes, and usually hair).
I locked myself out of the house on Halloween last year. I figured I'd wile away the time before my husband came home by going for a walk with my cat. (He likes going for walks with me. Or he likes it when I go to new parts of the neighborhood with him and keep a watchful eye out while he scopes out perches and tunnels and escape routes.)
So I was in a black dress, talking to my black cat as if he could understand me about things which are of interest only to cats. A little boy and his mom were out early trick or treating – and as they passed he whispered to her "Look Mommy, a real witch!"
This is as good as "Things Todd Aiken Believes to be true about the Uterus"
My favorite part is the mix of things real woman do like "own a wrist watch." And things that make you a juice box like "eating things in communal fridges when they don't belong to you."
I'm a witch a thousand times over, aparently, but I don't get how hitting a deer with your car and fake-calling-in-sick are combined here. MYSTERY.
I was born in a city in the Black Forest of Germany during an October full moon. Definitely a witch. Or some sort of changeling.
Hands are hard