Texts From Moby Dick
HROOOOOOOARRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOGH
good God in heaven
what is this?
HROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRRRRRGGGGGHHHOOOOOORROOOOOHHH
it is the whale
it is the whale!
Bellow all you like
this boat never sheers off from anything that wears the shape of a whale
LOLLLLLL no
it’s just me
Jesu Christ
Ahab?
lol you should have seen the look on your face
my face?
are you here?
are you in my cabin?
lol
maybe
my God
I thought the old white bull was upon us at last
Ishmael
hey Ishmael
have i ever told you how to make soap out of whale oil
Captain, if you do not need me, I must go back to sleep
I shall need my rest for tomorrow’s hunt
did u know u can make margarine out of whale oil
I did not
margarine!
who would have guessed
I do not know, Captain
so for starters
you actually have to hydrogenate it
which I know sounds crazy but that’s how you get rid of that fish smell
I see
you know that fish smell I mean
like what everything smells like right now
do you realize we could be back on Martha’s Vineyard in like six hours?
maybe eight
in less than a day we could be having dinner on Martha’s Vineyard
after we have slain the whale?
ugh
yes
whatever
we could be there in eight hours, is all I’m saying
after you have burst the hot heart of the mighty whale
with spears and with knives and harpoons
and we bear its carcass triumphantly back to shore
uuugh
it’s like always harpoons with you Ishmael
hey what are you doing
like right now
i am shrouded in blackness
in ten times black
i am tending to the oil vats and stripping the fat
awesome
awesome
that sounds awesome
Do you need something from me, Captain?
not really
I guess not
are you with Queequeg right now
he is in his bunk
recovering from his brush with death
cool cool
will you tell him I say hi?
I
certainly
great
it’s not a big deal or anything
you can make it sound casual
ask him what he’s doing for dinner
if he wants to have dinner in the captain’s quarters
with me obviously
haha
like obviously I wouldn’t ask him to just have dinner by himself in a weird new part of the ship all alone
Is there any other message I should give him?
hmm?
About the hunt tomorrow?
hunt tomorrow
For the whale
For the white whale
for the white whale, or the devil
yesss oh yes definitely
yes for sure that is still on
whales whales whales
I am super prepared for whales
tomorrow
I will tell him
Would you like me to ask him if he will attend the hunt, then?
oh my God
why so many Queequeg questions
Captain?
you’re just
asking a lot of questions about him is all
it’s kind of like you’re obsessed with him or something
do you ever worry
that the whale is like
a metaphor
a metaphor?
yeah
sometimes
me too
me too
do you wanna nail stuff to the mast?
yeah
ok
be there in five
Sir, the crew begs that you leave off your mad pursuit
We are sick from it, we are sick to the point of perishing
We must return to port
oh
yes
terribly mad
I’m just mad for
revenge and so on
all types of revenge for my legs, and whatnot
Sir?
leg
just the leg
he only took the one leg right
Captain, I do not know what the whale took from you
oh I’m just
furious about it
the legs, I mean
and the whale
Please
Did you know that the digestive organs of the whale are so inscrutably constructed that it is quite impossible for him to completely digest even a man’s arm?
I didn’t
well it’s true
think about that
think about that the next time you’re thinking about whales
"do you ever worry
that the whale is like
a metaphor
a metaphor?
yeah
sometimes
me too
me too"
BWAAHAHAHAHAHA! This is the best.
yes for sure that is still on
whales whales whales
I am super prepared for whales
tomorrow
That was my favorite bit.
I read the 2nd line as "whalies whalies whalies" accidentally and that made it even better.
uuugh
it’s like always harpoons with you Ishmael
fuckiti'mkillingherandforgingawillbequeathingthisfeaturetome
I find murders go better when you don't announce your plans, myself.
Source: Not telling you, I've learned THAT lesson
<3
*I have never actually read Moby Dick*
I tried! I really did! I like to think of myself as well-read and good with the more difficult works of classic literature. I was raised reading out of my age range!
But moby dick
<img src=" http://media2.giphy.com/media/ZDlwIJvNdE9Ww/original.gif"> ;
I read the comic book version.
I've watched Wrath of Khan , which also provided me with everything I need to know about A Tale of Two Cities .
I'm reading it right now, and so far it's clipping along nicely…
… or it was until two days ago, when I got to the catalog of various whale types. Now it's sitting there with a bookmark in it, taunting me.
Do you think I can safely skip that chapter
oh golly i don't even…
… well, now that you suggest it, YES YES I SAID YES LET US SKIP IT OH YES LET US SKIP IT.
At least, I might flip ahead and see how close I am to the end of the cetology catalog.
If someone had asked me going into this, "Hey, are you interested in the different kinds of whales?" I would have piped up, "Oh, yes! Of course!" but now that I am slogged down in it…
…LISTEN ISHMAEL THERE IS A LIMIT YO.
And LAMPS. And ROPE.
The "we made him an apron/cassock out of whale dong skin and then give him a very sharp knife and demand that he,slice the fat as thin as pages of the bible as he stands above us like a priest" scene is pretty awesomely surreal though.
I'd forgotten about the lamps and rope since my last youthful reading, but I've also studied historical & maritime archaeology since then, so I might be utterly rapt by Chapter 72: The Monkey-Rope and Chapter 97: The Lamp .
No! Don't skip it! You'll miss Ishmael's snide comments on manatees.
That's the exact same spot I stopped at, as did an ex of mine. Nobody is as into types of whales as Melville was, apparently.
It will be worth it once you get to the over the top homoeroticism of the squeezing sperm oil chapter!
"let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness."
… SQUEEEEEEEEZE.
Whatever kind of whale it is, right wale, short whale, dolphin, I insist that it is a fish! And not a sea-going cousin of we two-legged men! (Except Ahab, who is of course one-legged.)
Um… I really liked Moby Dick when I finally got around to it.
The Big Read read it last year and I liked it even better as an audiobook!
It's a great book for a reason: so sad and funny and heartbreaking and frustrating. And I read it aloud because the cadence of the text gets intoxicating.
And maybe this time, I'll force myself to read through the kinds-of-whales, because I want to wring out ever glistening bit of the book's essence (like so much, um, sperm) but golly that chapter is some hard going.
I read it in undergrad and was struggling through it. The only way I made it through parts was to read it aloud with a classmate. It works!
One of those things I'm glad I read and I think about weirdly a lot but I'm not sure I would do again.
OMG AHAB IS A FISH. You have cracked this text wide open.
Well, he cannot be a man, for he has been dis-masted!
Neither have I, but I think I get the "actually grew up on Martha's Vineyard" dispensation.
I listened to part of it on audiobook. Do not listen to Moby Dick if you are trying to stay awake for an overnight drive. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I just love the mental image of Ahab sitting there, thinking hard about how to write the sound of an angry whale, and tittering to himself as he types "HROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOARRRRRRGGGGGHHHOOOOOORROOOOOHHH" and sends it to Ishmael.
Enough texting. CALL ME, Ishmael.
TOO SOON
Never mind how long, precisely…
Mallory, will you be offended if I appropriate "Think about that the next time you're thinking about whales" as an all-purpose send-off?
I plan on employing 'why so many Queequeg questions' as often as humanly possible, myself.
I'm partial to "I am super prepared for whales" the next time someone asks me if I'm ready for something.
I love these so much.
Do "Texts from Underground" next
(I imagine the protagonist as a sulky Redditor/PUA type. "I'm just an asshole because chicks don't like nice guys, OK?" "I can't get a job because it interferes with my <del>art</del> revolutionary activities")
hey Apollon
Apollon, are you awake
Um, yes sir
What's the matter?
I need, like, ten rubles
for a new frock coat
Sir, I mended your old one last night
I know, but I need a fancy one
To demonstrate my moral and intellectual superiority to my fancy frock coat wearing acquaintances
I hate them all
Well, I'm afraid I can't lend you the rubles until I've been paid my wages
OH MY GOD
again with the wages
I can't pay you because I don't have any money either, OK?
You are the worst
…..
You insult me! Torturer!
Ha, ha
I just hooted out "Or Crime and Punishment! Crime and Punishment! " to an empty apartment.
hey what are you doing
like right now
i am shrouded in blackness
in ten times black
i am tending to the oil vats and stripping the fat
LIKE YOU DO. keiko help me i love these so much.
Please switch out that adorable beluga for a terrifying sperm whale stat
Yes this please.
And now all of the sudden I kind of want to give Ahab a hug. But not really because of the fish smell.
Considering they're trapped on a boat, I'm surprised not ONE was a sext.
u wanna see MY moby dick lololol
The margarine thing is almost a sext.
I am just really obsessed with sexting, guys.
Looks like that will be the director's cut bonus feature, "texts to Queequeg."
Husbandly! Soooo husbandly.
I really wish I wasn't at work, so I could satisfy my sudden, overwhelming need to find Ahab/Queequeg fanfic. Because you know it's out there.
The original text baaaaaarely needs embellishing, really. So husbandly.
For sexts, we should be reading Ishmael's texts to Queequeg, obvs.
Also, pretty much the entirety of Ch. 94, A Squeeze of the Hand .
Lest you think I'm kidding: "Squeeze! squeeze! squeeze! all the morning long; I squeezed that sperm till I myself almost melted into it; I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me; and I found myself unwittingly squeezing my co-laborers’ hands in it, mistaking their hands for the gentle globules. Such an abounding, affectionate, friendly, loving feeling did this avocation beget; that at last I was continually squeezing their hands, and looking up into their eyes sentimentally; as much as to say,- Oh! my dear fellow beings, why should we longer cherish any social acerbities, or know the slightest ill-humor or envy! Come; let us squeeze hands all round; nay, let us all squeeze ourselves into each other; let us squeeze ourselves universally into the very milk and sperm of kindness." OH YES LET US.
"Let us all squeeze ourselves into each other" great description of an orgy, or THE GREATEST description of an orgy?
Wow. So I guess it IS worth reading on past the "Here's all the different types of whales, in excruciating detail" portion of the book.
This is also where my Don't Fall Asleep strategy of reading cumbersome prose aloud really pays off.
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT
Yes! I should have specified that I'm re-reading it… which is to say, even though I knew what promising chapters lay* ahead, I still got swamped down in the cetology catalog.
*YSWIDT.
Pun: achieved
http://31.media.tumblr.com/75822568802d0957e41473 …
It was a fluke! [Ahahahaohgodimturningintomydad]
holy shit, if I had known about this, maybe I would have actually read this book.
I am guessing that Queequeg texts consist entirely of emojis.
Queequeg! Remember you the time we spent side-by-side in a bed, warm though the night sparkled with frost?
<img src=" http://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&docid=OcjnE1Mjt7A7SM&tbnid=gX0JATaWkfEuGM:&ved=&url=http%3A%2F%2Ficleer.com%2Fen%2F31300-emoticon-&ei=5Tn5UfH6BsL84AP2u4HoBw&bvm=bv.49967636,d.dmg&psig=AFQjCNG4288TRQKy3EW3YcmpzcE2ppJwrQ&ust=1375374170255237"><img src=" https://github.com/asianmack/emoji-cheat-sheet.com/diff_blob/614008661418def2cf182b049213279ae464d6c3/public/graphics/emojis/sparkling_heart.png?raw=true"> ;
What are you doing later?
<img src=" http://pix.iemoji.com/superbigmoji/0525.png"><img src=" http://pix.iemoji.com/superbigmoji/0450.png"><img src=" http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/126/58162777.png"> ;
this website is broken, it won't allow me to thumbs up your comment more than once.
STOP BEING SO FUNNY Y'ALL, I have better things to do today than sit around talking about Ahab and Queequeg and squeezing, squeezing, squeezing the sperm…
… jk, I don't have anything better to do than that, which should be obvious because there is nothing better to do than that.
So good. I'm grinning stupidly, and the people in the coffee shop are staring at me now. I'm reading a funny thing people in the coffee shop! Stop staring!
You KILL me!
I love you people. I love you all.
IKR? I want to roll around in this thread like so much glistening whale sp—
NO. I'm not going to say that.
I have only read this version of Moby Dick:
<img src=" http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/51v6TYfFSUL._BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA300_SH20_OU01_.jpg"> ;
I might have to read the original…
Billy Budd anyone?
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