BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: Okay, so I think we’re pretty much set here. There’s not a lot of space, it’s single-occupancy, we’ve got a sink, a toilet, a blow dryer, a trash can –

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Full length mirror.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: What?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Full. Length. Mirror.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: What about it?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: We need a full length mirror.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: Where?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Hanging on the inside of the bathroom door, directly facing the toilet, such that whoever uses is it forced to make eye contact with herself as she uses the facilities.

BATHROOM DESIGNER #1: Why would she…what purpose would that serve?

BATHROOM DESIGNER #2: Honesty.

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Previously: Men about to get murdered in Patek Philippe ads.

If you have ever leafed through an issue of The Economist or any other glossy magazine meant for the upwardly mobile as they wait in first-class airport lounges, you have seen a Patek Philippe ad: a blond father and son, usually on a boat, are laughing sternly at the sea, while the tagline reminds you that “You never actually own a Patek Philippe. You merely look after it for the next generation.”

And yet the first generation is so rarely prepared to hand over its prize. A Patek Philippe is not relinquished that easily. A Patek Philippe is a $60,000 watch, for in case you need to know what time it is while you’re spending $60,000.

The hyper-wealthy do not look after their children; each generation of the transcendentally rich is convinced it will be the first to discover the secrets of immortality that render childbearing and childrearing irrelevant. How can the passage of time apply to money? How could a jam-smeared child take your beautiful watch, your beautiful youth, your beautiful place?

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1. Bracelet that knows all your passwords.
2. Necklace that knows all your secrets.

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Previously in What Your ____ Says About You: Posters and cats. 

Sugar Cookie: It is deeply important to you that you be thought of as a welcoming person. You have been known to refer to your house as a “refuge,” and sometimes hope that others say the same thing about it when you are not around.

“Odor Remover”: You are not messy because you do not care about cleanliness; you are messy because the thought that you are responsible for your own environment has literally never occurred to you. It makes no difference to you. Periodically you find yourself attached to someone who takes it upon herself to clean up after you, and you are cheerfully willing to let her do so. You did not ask her to do it, but she will expect you to be grateful, although she may not say so. It will also never occur to you to thank her, or to acknowledge her, or to inquire what compels her to pick up what you leave behind. “Just don’t worry about it” is the only advice you know how to give. After she is gone, you are equally cheerful about doing nothing at all. You are never angry at anyone, but there is always someone who is angry at you, although you do not know it.

Sandalwood/Ylang-Ylang: You own an old record player that is still in excellent working condition and have nothing but disdain for people who own record players with iPhone docks.

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