hey ladies Archives

Hey Ladies: Baby Shower!

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Humor May 06, 2015

Previously in this series: Friendsgiving

Note: Through a vortex and also quantum physics and a wrinkle in the space-time continuum, the Ladies are all now around 30 years old, but it’s still like, 2015.

***

To: Katie, Nicole, Ash, Morgan, Jen
From: Ali
Subject: eating for two!!

Hey Ladies!!

Where has the time gone, seriously? This has been such an amazing winter. Sorry I’ve been so MIA, I’ve just been hanging out with some new girls I met. They are just so laid back yet really driven, and are so spiritually inspiring since they’ve embraced a really Eastern (Long Island) mentality. But you all are my #1 baes, and that is why I am so excited to see you all at our friends first….BABY SHOWER!!!!!!!

Congrats, Jen!!!! Are you feeling morning sickness yet?? Jen swore me to secrecy since she is still in the first trimester, but baby shower brunch places tend to book up, so we really don’t have a sec to lose, so I guess the cat is out of the bag!!!

The baby is due in November, right? I am super booked up, but I think I can make a baby shower work at the end of Q2. Everyone please reserve every open weekend in May and June until I let you know what works best with my work sched!

I am so excited!!!! Jen, can you please text me the SECOND you find out the gender?? Or just facetime me into your gyn appointments. Showers are sooo much cuter if we can reinforce traditional gender roles and do something in the key of pink or blue.

Also, was this an on purpose pregnancy or accidental?? It’s such a miracle either way!!! But if it was accidental, can you please tell me what birth control method you were using so I can avoid it??

Can everyone please send me ideas for shower themes? Also Jen can you please try to limit your weight gain to the bump area only for the instagrams??

Love!!

“Auntie” Ali!

—

“Don’t believe me, just watch” – Mark Ronson ft. Bruno Mars, “Uptown Funk”

*

175 Comments

Hey Ladies: Friendsgiving

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Humor Dec 08, 2014

Previously in the series: Autumnal Shower

***

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!!

Can you believe it’s November already? I feel like just yesterday we were picking apples and feeling like we had the world at our fingertips. This holiday season is crazy already, between all the travel, galas, and regattas. I just wanted to write to my ~girls~ and tell you how much your friendship and support has meant to be this year. I am thankful for each and every one of you! Even Katie, although she is the worst at liking my instagrams ;) As Alanis said, “thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you, thank you silence.” I am most thankful this year for how well Jake Gyllenhaal has aged and also for my friendships, which I plan to cultivate much more in the New Year.

I am focused on clean and holistic living for the rest of 2014, but if anyone wants to do some pre-Thanksgiving vacay mani/pedi/Brazilian (blowouts/waxes) before Wednesday let me know! I’m just really looking forward to some R&R. But also I might be hitting up some bar the night before Thanksgiving and might be running into someone from high school that I heard is recently divorced, so I am planning a revenge fantasy of making Jeff want me, then brutally rejecting him, then going back home for clean living and gluten-free Thanksgiving. Anywho, let me know if anyone’s down!

Xo! Ali

“I clench his hands to the point of pain. “Stay with me.”
His pupils contract to pinpoints, dilate again rapidly, and then return to something resembling normalcy. “Always,” he murmurs.”
― Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

146 Comments

Hey Ladies: Autumnal Shower

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Humor Oct 16, 2014

Previously in this horrible series: Happily Ever After

***

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey Ladies,

Can you believe it’s October already??! I’m basically addicted to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, it’s redic. I know what you’re thinking: this is our annual group Halloween costume call to arms email, LOL. Wrong! I’m like 99% sure I’ll end up doing a couples costume with Tyler. He’s perfect. He’s in advertising so we’ll probably co-host a Mad Men series finale party together. Anyway. We’ve been on two dates. How long should I wait before bringing up couples costumes?? I feel like it’s this unspoken subtext between all our interactions now, and he’s probably waiting for me to bring it up anyway, right? Anyway, that’s neither here nor there BECAUSE…

STACY IS GETTING MARRIED AND WE SHOULD PLAN HER SHOWER!!!!!!! Technically, her mom and sister are planning her bridal shower, SNOOZE. I’m sure they’re not even aware of the latest technology in the mason jar pinterest scene. But I think we should all plan her ~personal shower~ which is muuuuch more fun and all the rage in the 2014 DIY rustic chic wedding culture. LAUREN CONRAD HAD ONE!!!!

Basically, it’s just like a bridal shower, but we get her fun gifts that are just for her since wedding planning is sooo stressful! Lingerie, spa days, hair extensions (??), stuff like that! Also, I really think Stacy needs an upper lip wax, but what’s a nice, sensitive way to bring that up??! I’ll google yahoo answers. I’ll be putting together a google doc of what everyone should get for her! YAY I LOVE PLANNING!

~LOGISTICS~

Theme: Autumnal Romance! Something in the key of GOURDS

Food: Morgan, you’ll be in charge of cute apps! I read that George and Amal had reallllly cute apps, and I think we should aim for that too!

211 Comments

Hey Ladies: Happily Ever After

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Humor Aug 14, 2014

Author’s Note: We wanted to thank EVERYONE who came out to Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works Books back in June and everyone who watched it on Livestream! It was an amazing success and we can’t wait to (hopefully) do another one!

The following brand new Hey Ladies email thread was read out loud at the live event. Past installments can be found here.

***

To: Ali, Katie, Morgan, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Jen

Subject: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

Hey ladies. I struggled a lot while deciding whether I should type this out and send it off.

But like, I don’t know. I feel like I am coming to the end of my rope. Marriage is hard. Like really fucking hard. Like sometimes I literally….want to MURDER brad. And then I feel bad about it. And he’s like why are you crying and I’m like because sometimes I just want to kill you. Like he makes me so mad.

I JUST don’t think it’s hard to like, do a dish or like, turn off the lights, or surprise me a few times a week with a nice dinner or a gift!!!!!! Or a vacation!! Or a new car or like, a new blender or ANYTHING. Like you can’t get lazy on me now, Brad, we have til death do us part to make this work and, as Fergie says, I just don’t feel like he’s meeting me halfway.

I feel like I can move out like I can get divorced. I can do this and start over and like meet someone else, someone who will do dishes and not annoy me.I know you guys aren’t married, seriously none of you are even close, and I’m sure to YOU Brad always seemed like he was the perfect man but like, IDK what to do. I really don’t.

Ladies what do I do. I am so like, low. And Lexapro isn’t even helping. I’m pretty sure my shrink has me on placebos. xo jen

*

To: Ali, Katie, Jen, Nicole, Ash, Caitlin

From: Morgan

Subject: RE: This is a CRISIS open this email wherever you are and I don’t care what you’re doing

OMG Jen, I am so glad you reached out to us!!!! We are here for you bebe!! I’ve been telling everyone on gchat for months that I think your relationship is fucked. What kind of husband has a business trip on New Year’s? A woman always knows.

102 Comments

Hey Ladies: The May Edition

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Humor May 22, 2014

Past installments can be found here.

Special note: Hey (Ladies)! If you’re in New York, we’ll be doing Hey Ladies: Live! at Housing Works on June 25th. Come! We’ll be giving away prizes and sharing reader stories! It will also be livestreamed as well!

***

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: May 8, 2014
Subject: Summertime, summertime sadness

Hey Ladies!!!!

Happy May!!! (Sorry about that whole Cinco de Drinko fiasco, I swear I thought I knew the doorman LOL)

Ok, this may be the most important email I send all year, so PLEASE RESPOND RIGHT AWAY. We need to figure out our summer weekend plans ASAP!!!! We’re closing in on our mid-twenties and I think this is gonna be the summer we all meet our potential first husbands, so location is EVERYTHING!!! Plus Sex and the City. Let’s take a vote!

#KILLIN’ITSUMMER2K14

Amagansett:

Pros: Talkhouse

Cons: I think Mike’s parents have a place there, and Judy and I aren’t on the best terms, and she knows why

Montauk:

Pros: YES PLEASE. Sloppy Tuna/Milkbar/Surf Lodge, chill bros

Cons: Gwyneth has a place here, and even though she’s a cougar, I feel like we attract the same kinds of dudes, and I don’t want to compete sexually with her

123 Comments

Hey Ladies: St. Patrick’s Day Edition

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Humor Mar 17, 2014

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Love is in the Air. The ladies waived their fee as a Saint Patrick’s Day gift to The Toast. We are very grateful…we think?

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: March 4, 2014
Subject: Going Hard On Saint Patrick’s Day Is The New Black!

Hey ladies,

I’ve taken myself to theme out the next holiday (St. Patty’s!) for our crew. I just realized with the exception of Jen, all of us are single and nowhere near getting married (but also, you never know!), so why not use this time in our lives to go big and never go home.

Mingling in March = our St. Patty’s. It’ll be like college again except the guys we end up sleeping with may actually be able to afford to take us out for brunch in the morning.

I want to #tbt this entire holiday so that means partying like it’s 2002!

Places we can go:

– Hoboken (NJ but cute meathead guys)

– Murray Hill (no explanation needed)

– UES (younger dudes just out of college, hot)

Acceptable outfits:

– Anything green

– Cute makeup

– HAIR

– Shamrock stickers?

– Wristlets (coach???)

I think it will be so fun. Ugh, you girls keep me so young LOL.

ALSO did we want to talk about doing a weekend at Jen’s husband’s parent’s beach house in Boca??? Jen is that still an option??? Let me know if you want me to text your in-laws. What are their names again?

xx,

katie <3

“I know who I am. And after all these years, there’s a victory in that.” – True Detective

—

131 Comments

Hey Ladies: Love Is in the Air

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Humor Feb 13, 2014

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: New Year’s Fallout.

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: January 24, 2014
Subject: LOVE IS IN THE AIR LADIES

Hey, Ladies!

Okay so Valentine’s day is right around the corner and as we all know, usually I am TGFHOWMGACHH (totally game for hanging out with my girls and cursing Hallmark holidays) but I am afraid I may be on FEMALE HIATUS for the first time IN MY LIFE this Valentine’s day and that is because….I have met….an amazing man.

Okay remember when I told you all about the guy from Tinder who was like an “analyst” (boring) but also like he knew three of my camp friends so we had mutuals and both voted for Obama according to our similar interests? Not him.

THIS GUY is, okay. Apologies to anyone who I may have already told this to (Katie, Charlotte, Morgan, Ash (??) (Ash did I tell you??), but his name is TYLER and he’s literally amazing and I didn’t even meet him on Tinder!

I met him on OkCupid and he’s 6’2 (minimal height I allow), a Scorpio (most sexual sign) and loves dogs, his family, his friends and his job (he’s a teacher! I’m dead).

145 Comments

Hey Ladies: New Year’s Eve Fallout

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss Ancient Grains, Humor Jan 21, 2014

Most recently in this series of unspeakable torments: Book Club.

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole S; Morgan L.; Jen; Gracie (work)
From: Ali
Date: December 7, 2013
Subject: 2014 BITCHES!!!!!

Ladies!!!!

SO as everyone knows New Years Eve is my signature event!!! In years past, I would have been sending out save-the-dates in the early spring. But I actually have some news!

Mike & I broke up. It was 10000% mutual. I was doing a combo The Art of War/Why Men Love Bitches/October Cosmo’s “How To Keep A Man Interested Using These 40 BJ Tips,” but none of it worked. I’m just dealing with a lot of wrecking balls coming at me right now.

But like I said when I got mono while playing Mimi in Rent at Stagedoor Manor, the show must go on!!!!!

I’d like to do something supes low-key this year. Sometimes before we can YOLO we need to CHOLO (Concealing Heart Outrage (through) Laid-Back Outings). Think we need to stay local. Ja feel?

124 Comments