Everything Is Better With Goths
Concept and text by Daniel Mallory Ortberg. Images by Matt Lubchansky, who makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Tags: dirty dancing, dogs, everything is better with goths, everything is bullshit, goths, mallory and matt are going to work together forever, matt and mallory, matt lubchansky, the phantom tollbooth
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I went through a goth phase. I never really gave it up. I mean, I wear more colour and less makeup now, (I sometimes even wear brown! Mainly because of steampunk. Which is what happens when older goths discover brown.) but when I dress up it's still all black lace and ridiculous boots and too much eyeliner.
Goths certainly do make life better. It sure as hell made my final-year school photographs way more amusing. (picture skinny white girl with her mouse-brown hair plaited into about twelve stubby plaits, wearing thick black eyeliner… and a bottle-green school blazer)
My goth phase coincided with my passport photo being taken. I have to get it renewed this year and I'm almost sad to be losing that picture.
My parents did NOT purchase the picture of me where I dressed like that. They preferred the other goth-stage pictures, like the ones where I actually wore stuff that looked good and stopped applying my eye makeup as if someone had poked me in the eye with a coal-scuttle
OMG Goth Jerry Orbach. <3
"mallory and matt are going to work together forever"
YAYYYYYYYYY
I APPROVE OF THIS UNION
GOTH MILO
My dog could not look goth if she tried; that basset hound has it going on, though.
Dogs okay for goth:
bassets
corgis
german shepherds
mutts
akitas
huskies
beagles
shar peis
mastiffs
pomeranians
greyhounds
Dogs not okay for goth, they can't pull it off no matter what the collar:
afghan hounds
shiba inus
golden retrievers
bulldogs
scotties
irish setters
pitties
bearded collies
st. bernards
shelties
A greyhound might be able to pull it off, but my Italian greyhound could never– he is waaay to prancy for that.
My pittie is a furry superball, so she's off the list. No eyeliner could conquer that. She could be debate team president and on the varsity field hockey team, she's that kinda girlie.
Googled "goth dog," found this, HAD TO POST:
<img src="http://cdn.styleforum.net/3/3b/3b5e4f92_PFW-AW13-43.jpeg">
Prancy yet stylish as fuck.
Yours??
The sleepiest gothiest!
http://instagram.com/p/VkyaP9P65e/
Yep, that is mine! I put that outfit on him pretty much ironically though :)
speaking of goth greyhounds
<img src="http://www.akcreations.co.uk/pictures/gallery%20photos/olga.jpg">
add to not ok for goth: chow chows! (too fluffy). My late mini schnauzer would have made a good goth dog, I think, his eyebrows gave him a sulky air.
Idunno, I could see a goth bulldog happening. Also possibly a goth French bulldog.
The thought of a goth Golden Retriever is totally laughable, though (Labradors, too)
Our now-deceased Jack Russell would've made a great goth dog, especially in her later years, when she gave zero shits about most things.
gonna need photographic evidence of the goth bulldog
(google image is disappointing me right now)
<img src="http://i.ebayimg.com/t/Cats-Suck-Bulldog-Tee-by-Liquid-Blue-USA-Goth-Tribal-Tattoo-Biker-Metal-/00/s/MTYwMFgxNjAw/z/cjQAAOxyshFRdujw/$T2eC16VHJHoE9n3Ke5FvBRdujv10pQ~~60_35.JPG">
I mean, it's slightly more biker bulldog than goth, but picture it with EYELINER.
Goth corgi? GIRL PLEASE.
i slap you with my glove; pistols at dawn
this corgi is so over the couch, remembering the bitter smoker's lung on the corner of the meanest street, wondering if cvs even sells black enough eyeliner anymore
<img src="http://ornamental.typepad.com/.a/6a00d8345173f569e2016766b7b173970b-500wi">
where did i put my anarchy starred black pleather collar
I STAND CORRECTED
Totally with you. My corgi has perfect Goth eyeliner, but she'll never ever master "I don't give a shit."
Most corgis (at least, ones with red and white markings on their heads) have great natural eyeliner. Mine even has that line that extends outwards from the corner of the eyes.
Sometimes mine is emo, but I don't know that he'll ever be goth, even if we do like to characterize him as a petulant teenager a lot.
goth golden retriever is trying SO HARD to be goth and will never understand that trying hard is the opposite of goth.
all cats are goth.
+1
not convinced my cat has the wherewithal to be goth. he's too much of a hyperactive diva.
psh. your inability to understand him just makes him MORE GOTH.
he is a cybergoth or possibly a graver.
Do you keep finding little wraps of speed and tiny UV-sensitive pieces of jewelery?
he DOES love his balls of tinfoil!
Googled "Goth golden retriever" and this was the closest thing I could find:
<img src="http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7034/6392704281_ebe88b20e1_z.jpg">
Which seems, y'know, right.
THIS IS FLAWLESS BEAUTIFUL PERFECTION
LOOK THEY'RE EVEN TOO CHEERY TO BE AMERICAN GOTHIC
MY HEART IS MELTED
My cats are definitely goth. They always have their "bitch, please" faces on. It's hard to tell if they are happy or not (other than the constant purring).
Damn I love basset hounds.
GOTH DOG. GOTH DOG FOREVER.
Also GOTH JERRY ORBACH.
I WANT A GOTH DOGGGGG
I imagine you slouching around with your goth cat observing from a fire escape and a goth husky attached to your wallet chain by a piece of dirty clothesline, too goth to do anything besides a fang baring lip curl and eye the chain link fence surrounding the porn shop's parking lot.
i could fucking scale that
like a motherfucking druid bitch i'd scale that in a second
but what even is the point
<img src="http://farm6.static.flickr.com/5321/8809555952_4d6624eb86_m.jpg">
<img src="http://31.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2hh8wsV711qddeogo1_500.jpg">
Goth intern first. Priorities.
The only way Maria disappoints us is her failure to be more goth.
One of the young goths in my city has a pet raven. It looks pretty cool until you see his back. He is covered in raven poo.
I still want a pet raven.
Goth Dog Goes to (Goth) Camp
Goth Dog Scared Stupid
Goth Dog and the Search for Goth Curley's Gold
Goth Dog's Big Adventure
I just want to do more "Phantom Tollbooth" style things. Goth Hobbit. Goth Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler. Goth Bridge to Teribithia (the bridge is goth).
Just thinking about Goth Mrs. Basil is making my heart sing.
Toast mashup potential – Jaya Goth-Catches Up: Goth Secret Garden (Mary and Colin aren't too much of a stretch but Goth Dickon would be something).
"Fuck your garden, the birds are the only ones that understand me. The birds and the weeds. All that's inside me are worms, and all the grows around me is chaos." – Goth Dickon
Don't mind me, I'm just quietly dying at the thought of Goth Phantom Tollbooth. (Phantom Tollgoth?)
Goth Mathemagician!
If you see the word goth enough times in a post or in comments, it starts looking and sounding REALLY WEIRD.
Fact.
Gothic or go home.
"Goth Patrick Swayze has trouble with lifts due to severe anemia and a pack-a-day habit."
Of course. Of course he does.
goth jennifer grey can get it
I went to a goth festival in my town this summer it was pretty great.
When I was in middle school, I dressed up as a goth for halloween. Regrettably, I went around telling everyone I was a necrophiliac–I'd looked at the roots of the word and figured it meant someone who loved or was obsessed with death.
This image is no longer available, and my heart can't bear to miss out on the joke. Any way it can get reposted?
They're, like, the antigoths!
<img src="http://www.pbh2.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/underwater-bulldog-picture.jpg">
this dude is trying, but failing, because AWW
<img src="http://englishbulldog.name/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/English_Bulldog_Mythology.jpg">