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Babysitting Instructions

on October 31, 2013 in Advice, Ancient Grains 61 Comments
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Julie: Thanks so much for watching little Lucy for us! Her big brother is sleeping over at a friend's house, so you won't have to worry about him! :) It's a creaky old house, but I know you can handle it! Branches scraping at the windows, floorboards that groan, doors that shut behind you...you know how old houses are, lol.  I  know basements are pretty creepy when you're home alone, so I've already brought up some Diet Cokes and ice cream (Rocky Road!!) for you if you want them. No worries about those spiders! And there's microwave popcorn in the cabinet. You can have all the Halloween candy you want from the blue bowl-but  don't touch  the green bowl. We're saving that for the kids! I'm leaving the key to the attic on the kitchen table in case you need it, but I'm sure you won't. The noise up there is just the bats that sometimes get in--they won't bother you! There's no reason for you to go up there at all.  And don't go into the master bedroom-I don't want you to see how messy we are! Who knows what kind of dust bunnies are under the bed!! Definitely do not look under there. Oh, and there's a leak in the master bath, so if you see water dripping through the ceiling in the den, don't worry about that. I know it kind of looks like blood, but it's just rust from the pipes. Sometimes it runs down the walls, too! It's so funny how freaked out people get about that! I mean, what make more sense-voices moaning in the walls, or just the pipes groaning? I know you're a lot more level-headed than that.  I trust you, so it goes without saying not to have any friends over while we're gone-I know you wouldn't! (You don't have a boyfriend, do you? Ever?) We've got a great home theater setup so you'll have plenty of scaaaary movies to watch! It needs to be just you there. Just you.  Sometimes the power goes out, just for a minute, so we keep candles on the side table. But don't light the red candles. IT IS NOT TIME TO LIGHT THE RED CANDLES.  Oh, and the cat's been gone a few days. He should come back pretty soon. He'll come in through the pet door. He always comes back. If someone's at the door, don't answer it. Our neighbors are so terrible, always trying to poach our babysitters! >:( And Lucy shouldn't be any trouble at all-just leave her in the crib with Talking Elmo and she'll be fine. (The dolls stay in the den with you, though.) And she loves the big clown statue-it really is supposed to be there! Ha ha! Don't worry about the stars on the walls, we'll clean that up later (she's our little artist!).  Just keep all the curtains closed and don't answer the landline, and I'm sure everything will go just great. :) :) :)  Rosemary
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Screen Shot 2013-10-31 at 10.54.49 AM

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Cleo recaps when she is least expected. Like a drifter, she was born to walk alone, on Livejournal, out of pure cussedness.

Latest Comments
  1. roxythroatpunch

    A+

  2. lyetteann

    This is exactly why the first thing I used to do while babysitting was find the biggest knife in the kitchen and keep it on my lap all night.

    • ArsenioB_Ham

      Even while the kids were awake? Because I bet that would be a genius way to keep the children from disobeying you.

      • lyetteann

        I mostly babysat for people who were on vacation, so often they put the kids to sleep before I came over. Then it was just me, effectively alone in an unfamiliar house in an isolated area. The knife made perfect sense, honestly.

  3. JocastaCarr

    THE DOLLS STAY IN THE DEN WITH YOU, THOUGH. *Shudders*

    • daisymap

      That's the worst one.

      • cleolinda

        Talking Elmo's pretty bad though.

        • bloodcoveredgirl

          That's why you leave Talking Elmo with the kid.

        • Count_01

          At least it isn't a Furby.

  4. llamaj

    This was the bessssssssssstttt.

  5. bustedsneakers

    IT IS NOT TIME TO LIGHT THE RED CANDLES j/k that's 'cause they're for Christmas! SO festive, right?
    LIGHT THE BLACK ONES INSTEAD.

  6. DelectableDetriment

    I used to babysit to make extra cash and not once did the walls ever drip NOT BLOOD IT'S RUSTY WATER

    I feel cheated.

  7. Arin Arcady

    Ooh, when I worked for this social service agency, there was a woman who came in complaining that her landlord wouldn't do anything about the blood running down her walls, which was especially unfair because she was a descendant of Cleopatra. Oh dear.

    But it turned out she did have rust-colored water running down her walls that did look quite a bit like blood. Never got a fix on the Cleopatra thing, though.

  8. bgprincipessa

    I just watched Scream last night and it made me so happy. And so does this.

    • roxythroatpunch

      Scream is just basically the best thing.

  9. HeyThatsMyBike

    WHAT IS UNDER THEIR BED?!?!?!?!

    • Fluffernutter

      Someone telling me not to look under the bed is the best way to ensure I will look under the bed. Perhaps some reverse psychology on the part of ol' Wanda?

    • EPWordsnatcher

      dolls

      or the cat, i can't decide which one I'm more afraid of.

    • LeastBittern

      Extra clown statues.

  10. MyEvilTwin

    NICE!

  11. Scandyhoovian

    IT IS NOT YET TIME TO LIGHT THE RED CANDLES.

    But when is the time?

    • NicoleCliffe

      I deliberately left the red squiggle from the word processor in hopes it might be…BLOOD.

    • Yavosaur

      A full moon on Halloween. But only a virgin can do it.

  12. EPWordsnatcher

    I can't decide whether my favorite part is the "Ever?" about the boyfriend or the neighbors poaching the babysitters. Or the baby (Lucy is short for Lucifer, right? It has to be.) drawing pentagrams on the walls.

    Cleo, this is brilliant. More more more.

    • bgprincipessa

      The clown statue really got to me.

      • EPWordsnatcher

        I am very pointedly not thinking about it, because I watched Poltergeist at a very young age and it traumatized me.

        • Sharone@zizzivivizz

          ME TOO. Well, is 11 young? I was still traumatized. What can I say? I was a sheltered child.

        • Amphora

          The last time my family went to stay together in a cabin in a remote location, my sister brought Poltergeist I, II, and III on DVD. It was the most fun we'd had since Monty Python night at the campground (no TV, just singing).

      • Elsajeni

        Me too! I know that's basically the silliest and least plausible "urban legend"-type story out there, but for some reason it's the one that creeps me out the most.

        • cleolinda

          I kind of love the "clown statue" urban legend just because I'm not sure "oh, it's just a clown STATUE" is in any way "better."

          • Elsajeni

            Right? Like, the premise is that the babysitter thinks, "Gosh, it's super weird that this family I'm sitting for has a hyper-realistic life-sized clown statue!" YEAH, IT IS SUPER WEIRD. LIKE SERIAL-KILLER WEIRD. LEAVE THE HOUSE.

    • Battle_Swine

      Ohh, pentagrams. That makes much more sense. I was thinking of those stick-on stars that glow in the dark, arranged artfully on the wall, and I wondered what was scary about that.

      • EPWordsnatcher

        I mean, it's a guess, but I think it makes some level of terrifying sense?

        • Battle_Swine

          Oh, totally. The Lucy = Lucifer interpretation is also delightfully creepy.

        • cleolinda

          That's what they are! We decided to go with the more subtle version, I wasn't sure if "pentagrams" was just too over-the-top at that point.

    • cleolinda

      Lucy is definitely meant to make you think of Lucifer. I decided not to say what her brother's name was since it was the very first paragraph…

      (Thank you!)

      • EPWordsnatcher

        DAMIEN.

        • bustedsneakers

          They're the Fern family, what, it's a perfectly usual last name.

      • rosalineee

        I loved that the mom's name was Rosemary!

  13. czargasm

    ROCKY ROAD!!! The marshmallows are people. (Everything is people.)

    • cleolinda

      Well, they are made with gelatin…

  14. Battle_Swine

    He'll come in through the pet door. He always comes back.

    *screams*

    • meetapossum

      Churrrrrch!

    • EPWordsnatcher

      JULIE, SALT THE FUCKING WINDOWS AND DOORS.

  15. trinityclare

    Q: do these screenshots have alt text so screenreaders can read them?

    • NicoleCliffe

      I have never understood or used alt-text! Is that what it's for? I'M HAPPY TO!

      • NicoleCliffe

        K, I've put the text of the letter in the alt-text for the first screenshot, but if anyone wants to email me more about screenreaders out of the good of their hearts, it's nicole at the hyphen toast dot net

      • trinityclare

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alt_attribute

        Screenreading software (often used by visually impaired people) can't read text embedded in images, so to make the image text accessible you can code the image like this:

        [img src="image.png" alt="content of the image text"]

        (ETA: this is different from title-text, which is what pops up when you mouseover an image on xkcd, for example.)

  16. dakimel

    I am in love with how creepy this is.

  17. uldihaa

    The dolls (shiver) stay in the den… the same den with the blood running down the walls. And the moaning from those same walls.

    I get the heebie-jeebies just imagining it!

  18. NicoleCliffe

    There's been a small, yet exciting change! The version Cleolinda sent me cut-off the signature in my gmail, so I just made up "Wanda" and stuck it in, but it has been updated to reflect the perfect ROSEMARY of her original thinking!

    • cleolinda

      IT IS THE TRUTH THEY DID NOT WANT YOU TO KNOW

  19. Sharone@zizzivivizz

    BEST. BEST BEST BEST.

    Now I want to call up all my friends tonight and be all "HAVE YOU CHECKED THE CHILDREN??"

  20. StarlightArcher

    Sure it's tempting fate, but what the hell kind of candy is in the green bowl?

    • bustedsneakers

      Ever and always, miscellaneous brown lumps in black-and-orange wrapping.

      Also, ladyfingers.

  21. shahea

    I have so much love for this.
    Also, so very many shudders.

  22. honey cowl

    AHHHHHHHHHHH nope nope nope nope nope

  23. sandwichharlot

    Wonderful!