How to Tell If a Canadian is Mad At You
Previously in Canadian anthropological studies: Facts About Thanksgiving.
1. Guess. It’s as good a strategy as any.
2. They are behaving towards you exactly as they always have, yet you somehow feel strangely guilty.
3. Something has changed in the wind.
4. You mention them in a Tweet, and they do not “favorite” it. Instead, they “favourite” it on Secret Canadian Twitter where you cannot see it and experience the associated sense of goodwill.
5. Your weekly batch of homemade cookies only came with chocolate chips, instead of both chocolate and butterscotch, like normal.
6. They apologize to you for something unrelated.
7. They do not make sure your hearts line up when you hug.
8. They do not email to remind you about your parents’ wedding anniversary. They merely bcc: you on their own congratulatory email to your parents.
9. They reply to your emails with only one smiley face.
10. They smile politely and say “It’s certainly possible” or worse, “I can see that.”
11. Tells you less frequently, perhaps only on a daily basis, how much your friendship means to them.
12. The Canadian originally types ‘this is disappointing,’ then wakes up at three am to change it to ‘this is disappointing! Oh, well.’
13. They share an article on Facebook by someone they know you do not like.
14. When you mention a book you loved as a child but could never remember the title of offhandedly in a conversation, they do not track it down and buy it for you, but merely tell you the name.
15. They burn down the White House.
Tags: advice, canada, nicole and mallory, nicole has done literally all of these things to mallory, passive aggression, something something canada
Secret Canadian Twitter
Secret Canadian Twitter is just like Twitter circa 2007 when "Good Morning" and "Goodnight" trended every day.
<3 u Canadians, you gave me Degrassi Junior High (Original Flavor) and for that I will always love you.
And Degrassi: What IS This Flavor I LOVE IT! Which gave us AUBREY DRAKE GRAHAM. THANK YOU CANADA
Sorry, but you've misspelled Flavour.
Kids of Degrassi Street is the TRUE original flavour Degrassi. So much more Degrassi than you ever knew.
<img src="http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/0lHxugvam5M/hqdefault.jpg" alt="exhibit a">
#15: wow, someone was
madmildly incensed about the US trying to steal York/Toronto, huh?eta: a brief reading on wikipedia informs me that we not only tried to capture York, we succeeded and burned it. Mea culpa, Canada. Mea culpa.
You do know why the White House is white, don't you?
No need for your mea culpa …. we burnt down the White House which was a much more significant piece of real estate than York!!_
"this is disappointing. Oh, well!" – every email I've ever written upset.
I recently sent an extremely pointed, factual email to my boss's boss about a raise (that they seem to have reneged on THE FUCKERS) and ended it "thank you!"
All the time! "Thanks! Hope to hear from you soon!" (you rage-inducing, raise-reneging jackasses).
I sometimes I end those with "thanks for your time" as if to say "thank you for taking the time to absorb my (un)MITIGATED RAGE"
"NO I DON'T NEED YOU TO WRITE THAT CODE I WILL WRITE IT MYSELF THANKS"
trying to maintain a polite facade over my seething rage at one of my coworkers has been a battle today.
#16: Uses fiendish weather engineering to shove polar vortex from Nunavut down to Chicago.
Yesterday I finally got my Canadian husband to admit that "it's pretty cold out." Both of our offices in the Loop were closed for the day.
The burn marks are still there on the White House.
#10 is entirely accurate.
… well also #15, but we called it the pink house, because it was pink at the time.
PEDANTISSSMMMMMM
Someone's not getting butterscotch chips in their cookies this week.
You offer them a coffee and they say "Yes please, with cream" after the first time you ask.
OMG I can't believe you guys just outed Secret Canadian Twitter.
Not just the Secret Canadian Twitter, but also the Secret Canadian Time Travellling Machine (a 1918 McLaughlin) which Nicole evidently drove back to 1814.
I've … I've said too much.
Unless, of course, Mallory was referring to that rib joint in Winnipeg, the White House on Grant.
World famous in Canada, yo'.
Far too much. Consider yourself bcc'd on my anniversary e-mail to your parents, Sir and/or Madam.
A Canadian, Ms. Carr, would never be so rude as to even speculate as to another person's sex and/or gender. How ever politely the speculation is expressed (ie "Sir and/or Madam").
A Canadian, Ms. Carr, would either employ the first name or have resort to the impersonality of the second person pronoun ('you') or the third person ('they') until specifically informed by the person with whom they are conversing.
As it happens, in my particular case, "Sir and/or Madam" is actually the correct form of address as I am a fit little butch. Nevertheless, the above statements stand.
My apologies for having to speak to you so directly on this matter. I hope that you will not be offended.
PLEASE keep this fight going on forever.
Not offended in the slightest, HeyHandsome. You have revealed the truth about me – I am, alas, not Canadian. My use of "Sir and/or Madam" was meant to be inclusive of multiple gender identities, rather than an impolite speculation on your sex and/or gender, but clearly my American rudeness (and cishet privilege) undermined my intentions. Sincere apologies.
Just teasing!
Canadian humour.
6, 9 and 10 D:
I mean :D
"The Canadian originally types ‘this is disappointing,’ then wakes up at three am to change it to ‘this is disappointing! Oh, well.’"
Haha, using punctuation and alternate phrasing to soften the impact of my emotions, whaaat that's silly.
:(
They say "I'm sorry" but it's in an decidedly insincere tone.
They say "I'm sorry" but do not follow it up with "are you okay? I didn't mean to bump into you just now! Is there anything I can do?"
Ahh, The War of 1812. The original War of Northern Aggression! Have a song about it!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7jlFZhprU4
This is without a doubt my favourite song about my favourite war.
There's also a hilarious memorial in Toronto.
speaking of Canadians, ROSE COUSINS. Dreamboat of all dreamboats. This one is my favorite
Rose Cousins! I love love love her latest album, so good.
it is one of the loveliest records I've ever heard. I hate myself for missing her the last time she was in Atlanta. NEVER AGAIN.
You guys! I have met Rose Cousins in the flesh and I stood next to her once and she wore a hoodie and she's really tall and strapping and and she asks people to join her onstage and and and….!!!!
*Laughs uncomfortably at having this light shined on my behavior. Goes into corner and starts humming Joni Mitchell's "Both Sides Now."*
I find concerning your American spelling of behaviour as a Canadian.
I love Ellen in Slimgs and Arrows for this–she's just Canadian enough to apologize constantly and insincerely. "Sorry, everyone. Sorry for caring.".
We just started watching this, and that's my favorite (favourite?) thing. If I were a diva, I would be that type of diva. And I'm not even Canadian!
The most perfect introduction to a character EVER. Because of course Ellen Fanshawe would say something like, "Sorry, everyone. Sorry for caring."
I am halfway through Slings and Arrows and does ANYONE EVER call her out for this or would that be horrible anti-Canadian behaviour?
The first Dutch who moved to Canada after WWII must have been so confused by everything.
Being Dutch means never having to say you're sorry.
I love them but man they can be so rude and so proud of that fact. And yet there has been lots of Dutch immigration to Canada! Everyone seems to have Canadian cousins somewhere. One of those opposites-attract sort of things, I guess.
I feel that Flemings are really the Canadians to Dutch people's Americans. We love to apologize and avoid conflict. (This is in private life. The politics are another story.)
I've frequently referred to Belgium as the Netherlands' Canada, although not when Belgians are around. (Well, maybe Jean-Luc, he makes fun of Americans a lot.)
I am Dutch-Canadian. It is a life of contradictions, my friend.
BUTTERSCOTCH AND CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.
When I freeze to death attempting to get to the grocery store this evening, this will be why.
oh girl it's gonna change your life
Punctuation appears in typically unpunctuated casual correspondence (texts, chats).
"thanks for the link." vs. "thanks for the link" and "lol." vs. "lol"
:) :) :) :D :) :D :D ;) :D :)
I got dumped by a Canadian on Saturday and this article is both hilarious and uncomfortably accurate in places.
You're suffering from PCSD. We're sorry a fellow Canadian did that to you. That's disappointing for sure. Oh well, here, have a cookie.
True Canadian story: in my house we have an "apology jar" in the manner of swear jars, in which I must deposit a loonie for every unnecessary "sorry." Even if I pronounce it like an American, "saw-ry." My roommates and boyfriend buy me wine with the proceeds.
I would be broke in a week.
I get rolls of loonies from the bank. I wish I was making this up.
Fiona, can you email a pic of this to me?
Yes! I will do it this weekend for you!
For some reason I feel like "It's certainly possible" is worse than "I can see that." Maybe the former sounds more condescending and the latter seems more straight forward. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION.
A keen observation, Whizzdumb. They are different. But whether one is more terrible than the other is debatable.
"I can see that" is used by Canadians to convey disappointment. Its subtly is two fold.
On the one hand, it asserts our reasonableness and humility, our inherent nobility as Canadians, in recognizing that other people* may have different views and/or opinions than a Canadian regarding matters which are in contention.
On the other hand, 'I can see that' is meant to crush and devastate the other party through the act of imparting to that other person the acute realization and profound appreciation of the disappointment they have occasioned to us particularly in light of our obvious reasonableness and humility.
'I can see that,' is the rebuke personal.
'It's certainly possible,' is the rebuke impersonal.
Typically said with eyes downcast and lips scrolled into a tight line, 'It's certainly possible,' is the merest polite concession by a Canadian that something asserted by a non-Canadian is possible in theory.
'Possible' in theory, but entirely improbable in reality. Our inherent nobility as Canadians, our reasonableness and humility, isn't in it.
"It's certainly possible" is a Canadian calling a non-Canadian a damned liar. In the politest possible way.
*Other people including most especially Amurcans, and often on the topic of the 'u' in neighbour and honour and humour.
Your guys' passive aggression is nuanced and complicated, compared to Californian's. In Chicago we usually either say, "that's bullshit" to disagree/be contentious or "I'm not so sure about that" with a side-eye when calling an outsider a liar. They're kind-of interchangeable though.
Hmmm. I thought "it's certainly possible" was condescending, whereas "I can see that" was patronizing. In it's worst form, both have a silent "…you stupid idiot" appended. Followed by the traditional "I'm sorry" that may also be silent if a Canadian is highly annoyed.
Of course, you're forgetting about the nuclear option: "I'm afraid I don't see that at all," said by a young woman in line at a coffeeshop to this horrible old man who was shouting at us. He was too old/not Canadian to get it, but the rest of the room visibly recoiled.
When my mom is mad at me (see #2), I ask why she is mad. She says she's "not mad," and she doesn't even say it in a baiting way. She really thinks that I might end the conversation there. She will confess her true feelings only if I correctly guess the adjective that best describes her negative emotion – perturbed? frustrated? hurt? Emotion-guessing is such a delightful Canadian pastime! Haha but don't worry about me – I'm not mad!
I do "I'm not mad! I'm just a little sad…" and inevitably end up sobbing silently into a towel in the bathroom under the pretense of a bubble bath. Except they are, in fact, tears of rage which cannot be expressed. "It just makes me a little sad when you play video games while I frantically clean the apartment in advance of your mother's imminent visit, of which you neglected to inform me until an hour ago. But I'm not mad! Just kind of sad."
I'm silently shaking in my Grad School Class in an effort to not hurt the professor's feelings now.
16. They show up five minutes late instead of exactly right on time and apologize profusely on arrival.
17. They insist you take the front seat but with less warmth than normal.
YOU WILL FEEL THE FIRES OF OUR WRATH. Sorry.
#8 is coooooooooooooooold.
“9. They reply to your emails with only one smiley face.”
Not only in their case.
Your comments have been going to spam because they always have weird hidden lines of code in them. Why do they have weird hidden lines of code in them? If you fix that, I’ll let them through. Sometimes I just edit them to remove the code, but I thought I’d just ask so we can sort this out.
#15 is my favorite
My father was Canadian, my mother Sicilian. You have not SEEN passive-aggressive guilt-mongering until you've seen Canadian vs. Sicilian.If you ever called and visted that is. We don't mind. We only baked this because you said you liked it. Your father was disappointed that you didn't call. Did your mother tell you what the heart doctor said? Oh, no, we wouldn't dream of disturbing you.
Oh wow…alot of this applies, but I'm not Canadian. My grandmother came from a Finnish camp in the far reaches of the Upper Peninsula of MI, though. Maybe that's close enough….=) =)
they forgot #16 Drops gloves, pulls your jersey over your head and punches the crap out of you until the linesmen pull you apart
That's not angry, that's just playing :)
How did I end up being so Canadian? Wow. #7 is great.
This is eerily accurate, and also disappointing.
Oh well
I'm sorry. We have passive-aggressed our way into owning half of a continent.
#6 is bad news. If you get #6 you have done some thing really horrible.
This is soooo true, and as always, I double heart you guys.
There is no way of telling if a canadian is mad at you. You just go home and then feel like the world is suddenly a very very boring place.
Truth be known, we didn't burn your white house to the ground. We only singed it bad enough that it took multiple coats of white paint to cover up all the charred wood. If it hadn't been for that little marshmallow roast, you would have had to find another name for your presidents' official residence. Today we are glad we didn't burn it down completely – it gives us something to snicker up our sleeves about. Looking back two hundred years, the War of 1812 was all in good fun even though there was no obvious winner.
Well, there was obviously a winner, otherwise we'd be eating freedom fries instead of poutine!
When I read things like this, I think that maybe we PacNW folks are really just Canadians that ended up on the wrong side of the border.
I have a friend who always jokes that I'm Canadian, because I hail from Wisconsin. And I feel like perhaps we caught some of this in Wisconsin, because you seem to have encapsulated me in a list. If slightly diluted; I only offer monthly cupcakes in place of weekly cookies. I blame Wisconsin.
He's going to laugh at me forever, is the point of that first sentence.