Ancient Grains Archive

The Best Outfit You Ever Had

The other night, I was wearing my favourite pair of underwear. They're from 2009 and they have a Guinness logo on them and pink edging and I bought them in order to have a truly authentic souvenir of the time I went to Ireland for ten days with my mom's parish (close ...Read More

Toasties Talk Sports

"I imagine I scared both men and women both with the intensity of my workouts, but more likely with the determined look of self-loathing on my face. But today, a year and a bit later, I can proudly say that I've never been happier with my body or my life. The reason ...Read More

Five Stories About Football in Cleveland, Titled After Subheadings on the Cleveland Browns Wikipedia Entry

1. Bernie Kosar and the Broncos rivalry (1985-90)

The year I was born, Cleveland played against Denver in the 1987 AFC Championship game. My father and his childhood best friends, boys who had grown up slinking down to the banks of Lake Erie with their jacket pockets full of clinking Little Kings, ...Read More

Par Par Bogey Bogey Par Par

As a teenager and young adult, I often wondered if my family had a way of communicating on a soul-level through sports that I didn’t understand. Granted, it wasn’t entirely my family’s fault. They tried. I hadn’t followed my grandmother’s advice to read the entire sports page in the paper every morning, ...Read More

Title X

Title IX was only the beginning. Title X is upon us, and its terrifying and glorious reign shall last ten thousand years. The student captains of all major high school sports teams will be required to have gay sex with one another at least twice a year: ...Read More

Lane/Vale/Watson/Etc

superhero_breakup_01

He left me where he found me: the balcony of my mother’s apartment with the smell of adobo wafting in from the windows above, my sneakered feet dangling off the edge. His cape fluttered in the breeze and disappeared over the apartment ...Read More

If I Were Built: I’d Own Guns

If I were built, I'd own guns. I'd be a hunter. I'd own a partially wooded acreage in the country. The woods would be full of animals and I'd shoot them, I'd shoot those animals with my guns for pleasure. Deer, raccoon, owl—you name it. I'd shoot anything that moved on my ...Read More

Friday Night Blights

My mother will cheat to beat me at checkers. My father and uncles never let me take an uncontested lay-up. My grandfather once asked me to stay in the clubhouse so the rest of the men in the family would have a better chance of winning the father-son tournament. I come from a ...Read More