Ancient Grains Archive

Official Toast Stances: Volume Four

If you do not like the things we approve of, we suggest you revisit your stance. You are still allowed to like and/or engage in the things we dis-approve of, you are just wrong. Previous installments can be found here. – Eds. The Toast Approves of the Following Things: 1. ...Read More

Shirley Jackson Reviews Bed & Breakfasts

We Have Always Stayed At The Sandcastle Inn "I could live there all alone. Behind the winding garden path to the small blue front door with, perfectly, a white cat on the step. No one would ever find me there, either, behind all those roses, and just to make sure I would plant ...Read More

Shouty Wisdom

One of my best friends and I both have mind-numbing desk jobs. In order to survive said desk jobs, we spend most of our days Facebook chatting with each other. We use all-caps far more than is probably necessary. Our conversations very often veer into highly bizarre territory. Sometimes it's fiction, sometimes it's commentary, and ...Read More

Turning Poetry Into Math: T.S. Eliot’s “The Wasteland” Translated Into Symbolic Logic

What are the roots that clutch, what branches grow Out of this stony rubbish? Son of man, You cannot say, or guess, for you know only A heap of broken images, where the sun beats, And the dead tree gives no shelter, the cricket no relief, And the dry stone no sound of water. Only There is shadow ...Read More

Tim Meadows Is An Underrated Genius And I Love Him

Exhibit the first: all of his drug scenes from Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. ...Read More

The First Six Sherlock Episodes, Ranked

Positions #6-4 were a doddle. And then...it became necessary to enter my mind palace. Obviously, there are going to be spoilers. ...Read More

Falling Without Getting Hurt: Adventures in Disability

I just fell, hard. I was halfway home from a friend’s house when I realized I had left my phone there; ten minutes later, I was jumping out of my car in front of their house. I started to jog inside when my foot slipped on something, and I was down for ...Read More

Scientists Have Learned Nothing From Jurassic Park, Have Damned Us All

The most important part of yesterday's story about the brand new cold-loving cockroaches of New York City is the discovery that scientists have learned nothing from Jurassic Park and will damn us all with their hubris and lack of foresight.
The likelihood that the new species will mate with ...Read More